[Cat Kalina]

This is my first post and like a lot of people I am just looking for feedback so THANK YOU…
In my mind this has a hard rock feel to it with a fairly simple 3 chord structure in the key of G…. G>D>C>D
Apologies for it not being better formatted. It is way past my bedtime ;-)
 
>>>>>The devil and the reaper<<<<<
 
Struggle with my demons
They are all locked up inside
 
My head keeps on screamin’
I just cannot wait to die
 
Just another pill and I’ll be fine
And another glass of wine
 
It’ll wake them up or shut me down
Or take me back in time
 
My past keeps haunting me
No one else can see what I see
 
<chorus>
If the liquor don’t do it
The pills sure will
Can’t live in this hell no more
 
The devil and the reaper
Keep on knockin
Knockin at my door
 
If I could only let them in
But then again it would be a sin
 
God help me……….
God help me……….
God help me……….
God help me……….
</chorus>
 
Keep looking in the mirror
wondering who I am
 
The gun and the razors are oh so close
And the Bible on my night stand
 
Just a slit of the wrist or a shot to the head
Or just take the pills and die
 
Stick a needle in my arm it started out as fun
Now I can’t even get high (you fool)
 
The more I take the more I need
These demons keep on haunting me
 
<chorus>
If the liquor don’t do it
The pills sure will
Can’t live in this hell no more
 
The devil and the reaper
Keep on knockin
Knockin at my door
 
If I could only let them in
But then again it would be a sin
 
God help me……….
God help me……….
God help me……….
God help me……….
</chorus>
 
God help me……….
God help me……….
God help me……….
God help me……….
</song>

[Mike67]

Hi.  This all scans  well, and it's pretty full on and direct - nothing wrong with that at all.  Someone posted some really good advice on the forum in the last couple of days, which was always make sure that each verse brings with it a new idea or develops the story. I think that your two verses as written don't really do that.  My advice would be to use the second verse to say more about the protagonist's past; why does s/he want to die? What happened to him or her? I'd like to know.

Very strong start, but I think the idea needs some development.

Mike

[JonDavies]

Very full on - not necessarily a bad thing. I only have two suggestions:

"I just cannot wait to die" the word "just" is unnecessary. If you need an extra syllabal maybe the word "oh" at the start of the line would be better?

"Or just take the pills and die" - a little too in your face in my opinion, perhaps "or just ten too many pills" or something like that?

Good write, look forward to hearing it
 

[finestrat]

Or maybe just can't wait to die

[diademgrove]

Hi Cat,

welcome to the forum, hope you stay and enjoy our community.

I like most of your lyrics and have a couple of suggestions. I don't hear a traditional chorus when I play your words through in my head. Although I do hear a repeating section which may be a refrain or a tag.

I'd remove the first part of the chorus from "If the liquor" to "no more". It doesn't really add anything to what has come before.

I like the devil and the reaper lines but I'm not keen on the letting them in lines. The God help me lines work but you may like to consider postponing their introduction until the second devil and reaper chorus, refrain, tag. It allows the song to build up first and will be a surprise to the listener.

I'd start the second verse (?) with the lines about the drugs followed by looking in the mirror and the thoughts of suicide. Then into the final devil and reaper and the outro with God help me.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Hope you stick around and post some more lyrics and comments on other people's work as well.

Keith