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Mike67

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« on: February 22, 2017, 05:19:29 PM »
This is one I penned last night and this morning, so still lots of tightening to do. I read something on the internet about the Everglades, and the fact that it's a popular place to conceal bodies, due its size, remoteness and alligators. A bit grim.  Anyhow, the song tells the tale of a jilted lover, who gets tired of waiting for her to return, so kills her and leaves her body to the glades.


Lost to The Everglades

Spent too long waiting for the rain to fall
She put me down, I don’t know why.
Out of love, or out of spite, I guess.
Made no difference, in the end.

It's the time she stole that I resent the most
The only thing I can’t replace
I'm not to blame; I played a waiting game,
but she took too long. Then it came.

Down came the rain
Down came the rain
Down came the rain

See those eyes; hear those gentle sighs
So tender the kiss.  
No more lies. No more jealous cries.
No purer love, than this.

There's a distant haze out on the everglades
No shelter from the rain
Endless glade conceals the bed I made
No stone to bear her name

I can’t stand the rain
I can’t stand the rain
I can’t stand the rain
« Last Edit: April 01, 2017, 10:29:12 PM by Mike67 »

Wicked Deeds

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« Reply #1 on: February 22, 2017, 05:22:57 PM »
Quirky and well written,  Quality !

Paul

Vintage54

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« Reply #2 on: February 23, 2017, 02:04:38 AM »

   Hey,
     I agree with Paul, this is quality. The only thing i would change is line four, it feels a little awkward, and doesn't flow. But i wouldn't change anything else, i wouldn't dare to try.

                       Excellent
                           Vintage54

Mike67

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« Reply #3 on: February 23, 2017, 04:13:54 AM »
Thanks Vintage and, yet again, I agree. Have a working alternative, but I'll keep at it.

Mike

diademgrove

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« Reply #4 on: February 23, 2017, 09:45:39 AM »
Hi Mike,

without the introduction I wouldn't have guessed you killed her. I have a few observations.

1. Are you going to have the same melody for the down came the rain and I can't stand the rain sections? If you are you are missing a note in the down came the rain section. Rather than change the melody I'd just add another one syllable word before rain. For example blue, spring, hard, soft, clean.

2. If she's dead then the rest of the song should really be in the past tense.

3. The last lines of the first two verses didn't really work for me. They seem too wordy and I'm not keen on the words "in the end". You are reinforcing something that's in the introduction but not in the lyrics. That he was waiting for her to return and get fed up. The lyrics say that she put him down which to me means she left him or bad mouthed him. Something that is different at least for me.

4. I hear the section See those eyes etc" as bridge or middle 8. I'm not keen on the last line, especially the two words "than this". What came to my mind was to replace the last line with "Such bittersweet bliss", with bliss sung over two notes to keep the same syllable count.

5. I like the section "A distant haze etc". It works really well and hints at a possible suicide which gives the lyrics a slightly different feel. My only suggestion would be to change "only" to "the" and find a word to replace galde as you've already used it in the first line of the section.

Overall I think you've produced some really striking images. Most of my suggestions are to do with my personal taste so feel free to take what you want, if anything and ignore the rest.

Keith

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #5 on: February 23, 2017, 05:01:11 PM »
I like it, but will wait until you're done with the tightening to review it.  I'll look back at it in a couple of hours to see if anything jumps out at me which would help with the tightening. 
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

JonDavies

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« Reply #6 on: February 23, 2017, 07:50:38 PM »
Spent some time waiting for the rain to fall
She put me down, I don’t know why.
Out of love, or out of spite, I guess.
Made no difference, in the end.

The time she stole's what I resent the most
The only thing I can’t replace
I'm not to blame; I played a waiting game,
but she took too long. Then it came.

Down came the rain
Down came the rain
Down came the rain

See those eyes; hear those gentle sighs
So tender the kiss. 
No more lies. No more jealous cries.
No purer love, than this.

There's a distant haze on the everglades
No shelter from the rain
Only endless glade conceals the bed I made
No stone to bear her name

I can’t stand the rain
I can’t stand the rain
I can’t stand the rain


I've made some changes, and I also have some further ideas

1. Changed makes to made so the first verse is all past tense
2. This is just a pet peeve of mine so feel free to disregard - adding the word "there's" is a grammatical thing - "a distant haze on the everglades" isn't a complete sentence. Microsoft word would green-squiggle that.
3. Wouldn't you have made the bed seen as you killed her?

I have a bit of a problem with the bridge as well - it's written in the present tense, but the killing is in the past tense. It makes it sound like you've been kissing her corpse.

Feel free to disagree with my suggestions. Some good ideas here, just needs a bit of hammering around the sides

Mike67

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« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2017, 08:34:24 PM »
Thanks Jon,

Good suggestions and all taken on board. The ref to the bed she made refers to making your bed and having to sleep in it, but it def confuses things, and your idea works much better.

Thanks

Mike

Mike67

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« Reply #8 on: February 24, 2017, 08:41:43 AM »
Thanks for all the comments, guys. Worked out a chord sequence last night; it's going to have a grunge feel I think. More or less happy with the lyrics now and thank you for the help - I probably tweak as I go along. Getting a backed up on they lyric front, so need to focus on the recording.

Mike

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #9 on: February 25, 2017, 12:41:29 AM »
I'll look back at it in a couple of hours to see if anything jumps out at me which would help with the tightening. 

Two more fairly thorough listens/reads, and I can't find any part of this that doesn't sing easily.  No advice forthcoming.  If there are minor improvements in the story necessary (and I didn't see any) you'll easily find, and improve them. 
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.