[mikek]

this is a newish song i've been working on for awhile.  i originally penned the idea about a year back, and have performed it at local open-mic-nights here and there maybe 6 or 8 times.  been tweaking the words a bit along the way and think i'm getting close to calling it done, so starting to work on a recording.  i'll be posting it up soon in WIP.

the words

Long hair of bible black
damnation down her back
thrown against a shoulders curve
make the straightest of arrows swerve

but she’s not what she seems
its just a fantasy
she’ll make a good man scream
wait and see
just like me
We’re on our knees
mercy, mercy

her lips will pray for you
god only knows who shes praying to
salvation must repent
partook of her sacrament

this girl has got it all
forget drugs and alcohol
she's like a wrecking ball
Wait and see
We’re on our knees
hear our pleas
mercy, mercy
Mercy

words cast as libelous stones ... @
unfaithful dead mans bones
vultures descend from high
dark angel makes mama cry
oh dark angel, hear my cry

she’s not what she seems
its just a fantasy
She makes a good man scream
wait and see
just like me
hear our plea
mercy, mercy
mercy, mercy

[Mike67]

I like it, and it flows really well.  Looking forward to hearing it to music.  A few thoughts...

Long hair of bible black
damnation down her back What about 'damnation flowing down her back'.  That works better for me, but then I don't know the melody, so it might not scan
thrown against a shoulders curve
make the straightest of arrows swerve

but she’s not what she seems
its just a fantasy
she’ll make a good man scream
wait and see
just like me
We’re on our knees 'You'll be on your knees'? That would work better in my view.
mercy, mercy

her lips will pray for you 'Pray on you'? Suggests seduction and would play to the previous comment
god only knows who shes praying to
salvation must repent
partook of her sacrament

this girl has got it all
forget drugs and alcohol
she's like a wrecking ball
Wait and see
We’re on our knees As before, 'you'll be on your knees' 'we'll hear your pleas'.
hear our pleas
mercy, mercy
Mercy

words cast as libelous stones ... @
unfaithful dead mans bones
vultures descend from high
dark angel makes mama cry really like this verse]

she’s not what she seems
its just a fantasy
She makes a good man scream
wait and see
just like me
We’re on our knees
mercy, mercy
mercy, mercy

[mikek]

this suggestion might work, it's actually so obvious i was blind to it -   'you'll be on your knees'   i'll tinker with it.  


the others not so much.  thanks for the response !

[Paulski]

Great lyrics!
I usually don't like two adjectives ahead of a noun but I found my exception to the rule:

unfaithful dead mans bones

that line is killer.
No suggs from me - sorry - it's well above my critiquing station 

Paul

[Neil C]

really good write, nothing from me to suggest.
Look forward to hearing what you do with it.
 
neil

[Vintage54]

   Howdy,
     This is really good, first verse is a killer. The rest is pretty damn good as well. My only suggestion, in a first class write, is to lose the "Mama" and replace it with "Me"

                           More please
                               Vintage54

[mikek]

   lose the "Mama" and replace it with "Me"
                        

Hey thanks, and that's a great suggestion!

[lillypilly]

"Long hair of bible black
damnation down her back" 

pretty damn fine opening lines, only nit is the use of the word mama it did not fit in for me as it lowered the tone for the whole verse

only my observations of course, but just an excellent write

cheers
Lilly

[mikek]

Just recorded a demo of this... Will post it Saturday when my 2 weeks since last song is up.

I did change the mama line...To..

Oh dark angel hear my cry

And I think it is much stronger

Thanks all

[Wicked Deeds]

Beautifully written first verse. It drew me in immediately. Overall, it's well written but that first verse, is absolute quality!

Paul

[mikek]

Beautifully written first verse. It drew me in immediately. Overall, it's well written but that first verse, is absolute quality!

Paul

thanks!  i wish i could have sustained it throughout, but i knew i wouldn't top the starter.  it fell from the sky.

[Wicked Deeds]

Mike, I love the ideas present in your lyrics.  I couldn't resist taking the beginning and shaping it to a chord structure 'til I came up with:

Mercy

Long hair of bible black
damnation flowing down her back
so soft, her shoulder curve
would make the straightest arrows swerve

but she’s is not what she seems.
A fleeting fantasy; a dream.
She’ll make a good man scream
Wait and see,
you’ll be like me.
There on on your knees,
there for mercy,

mercy

I know your demo/production is imminent so please simply take this as a compliment.  There is great mileage in the concept and the lyrical ideas that you have presented.  I'm looking forward to hearing where you go with this as songs are very personal and I'm sure you will steer this one home in your own way.  I didn't go any further as I was just trying to find out just how easy it would be to take the seeds of a great idea and develop it a little. 

Paul

[mikek]

Paul, cool man, i'm glad the lyrics struck a note with you! 

just to give you an idea, the direction i'm going with this is a sort of Gothic Country thing.  right now its just acoustic guitar, bass guitar and vocal.  i want to add another guitar part but haven't tackled that yet.  i'll share it in its current form on WIP, get some feedback, and then reboot. 

[hardtwistmusic]

A few suggestions: Mostly due to what appear to be lines that seem to break cadence.  If they help, use them.  IF not discard.  Good luck.  Very good lyric in my opinion.  

Long hair of bible black
damnation down her back
thrown against a shoulders curve
make the straightest of arrows swerve

but she’s not what she seems
itShe's just a fantasy
she’ll make a good man scream
wait and see
just like me
We’re on our knees
mercy, mercy mercy, mercy me.

her lips will pray for you
god only knows who's she praying to?
salvation must repent
partook of her sacrament

this girl has got it all
forget like drugs and alcohol
she's like a an emotional wrecking ball
Wait and see
We’re on our knees
hear our pleas
mercy, mercy, mercy, mercy me.
Mercy mercy mercy mercy me.  

words cast as libelous stones ... @
unfaithful dead mans bones
vultures descend from high
dark angel makes mama cry
oh dark angel, hear my me cry

she’s not what she seems
its She's just a fantasy
She makes a good man scream
wait and see
just like me
hear our plea
mercy, mercy, mercy, mercy me.  
mercy, mercy, mercy, mercy me.

[mikek]

Verlon, check out the song with music in WIP

i've read several comments about adding 'flowing' to the damnation down her back line.  i really like it as it stands though.  i'm trying to keep those first 2 lines real tight to open things up.