[Martinswede]

Hi!

I recently posted the lyrics to this song.
Now I have made a first simple recording.
One take. Just some eq to reduce the  bass
from the guitar.
Any inputs on arrangement are welcome!
I'm thinking maybe a guitar part in the middle
and perhaps an organ entering after it.
Also feel free to comment the lyrics, singing and
melody.

https://soundcloud.com/martin-jarnevi/cold-ground

Cold, cold ground

When you lay me down
in the cold, cold ground
when I'm done

Go to rest my soul
rest my bones
they all know
there'll be no more

Will I sleep so deep
with the whole world
out of reach

Will I find my mind
lost in the tides of time

You can't save me now
don't try, we all die
they lie

But so sweet your song
of love when we were young

There's no time
for another crime
there's no place
for another thief

But you stole my heart
I was bound here from the start

[CaliaMoko]

This kind of reminds me of the way Gordon Lightfoot sometimes put songs together. Or Leonard Cohen. The "through-composed" style of folk story song, if you know what I mean. I think it's very effective for this song--a melancholy melody line for a melancholy lyric. You did a really good job of making the music fit the flow of the phrases. Except in one spot, which is a little less smooth, compared to the rest. This spot:

Will I sleep so deep
with the whole world
out of reach

Specifically, the middle line. I recommend doing it more like this: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/will-i-sleep/s-mHdeM (I hope it's understandable....)

When I first read the words in lyrics, I really was unable to imagine how it might go to music. What you've done is very effective and suits the lyric very well. Nice job.

Vicki

[mikek]

a good start.  i'd like to hear a refrain in there at some point... something that gives the listener a change from the verse musically, perhaps utilizing the 'cold cold ground' phrase. 

[Martinswede]

Hi!

Thanks!
You've got a beautiful vibrato there Vicki. I think I
hear the difference. When I listen to it now I hear
some tension in my voice. I was waiting for a phone call
while recording so I was a bit distracted.

Yes, maybe a chorus but they are not my strong side.
It either feels like stating the obvious or adding a new
unnecessary part to the song. Mostly 'catchy' is a word
I dislike when it comes to music. The melody to me is the
thing that supports the words. And at the end of the day
making something memorable out of things we use all day
is to me far greater than to just borrow from a realm of
eternal beauty.

All the best,
- Martin

[CaliaMoko]

Hey Martin, Thanks for the compliment...but I want to make sure you know that's not what I was demonstrating. I only wanted you to notice the rhythm I used--how I changed the timing to place the emphasis on the stronger word "world" in that line. I believe it smooths out the line and makes it flow better.

I like your voice fine, just as it is...the only recommendation I would make about your singing voice is to enunciate the words a little more clearly. Like, making sure the endings can be heard, for instance. I think your voice suits the song very well.

Vicki

[mikek]

It either feels like stating the obvious or adding a new
unnecessary part to the song. Mostly 'catchy' is a word
I dislike when it comes to music. The melody to me is the
thing that supports the words. And at the end of the day
making something memorable out of things we use all day
is to me far greater than to just borrow from a realm of
eternal beauty.

All the best,
- Martin

interesting viewpoint.  what artists have you encountered that utilize a similar approach?

[Martinswede]

Hi! 

Face to face I've only met a handful of recording musicians.
None of them were so keen on the idea. They sort of argued
for the opposite. Among artists in general (and media) I did some brief
research and the same goes for them.
http://www.nme.com/list/50-most-explosive-choruses-1379
A song seems to be a vehicle for rubbing in some short sentiment.
That does not agree with my view upon music.
At the moment I'm listening to Cohens 'Suzanne'. It has no conventional
chorus (if one at all) instead every part is as important.
I'm not saying I hold any truth. Nor that I know a whole bunch of things
about song writing. I just write what matters at the moment and use
the melodies that come to mind. Sometimes there is a part so full
of meaning that I use it as a chorus. Mostly I strive to convey a feeling
instead of telling a story. And feelings often need a few words to be defined.

A long answer to a short question.

Cheers,
- Martin

[Mike67]

Martin,

This is so atmospheric, and I love it.  I don't have a problem with the 'whole world' line, and I actually like the emphasis on you place on the word, 'whole'.  The structure of the song is right, in my view; you could add a short simple instrumental piece, but nothing more than a few guitar notes.

Inspiring.

Mike

[Wicked Deeds]

I enjoyed this in the lyrics section.  Nice fingerpicking hint it could be such a big track if you go on to make a full production.  It's crying out to be a very big, epic track in my opinion.  That might mean rewrite, encompassing a big chorus.  Fine vocals here enjoyed hearing this Steve to music.

Well done.

Paul

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

You definitely need something. It all sounds great but as it stands it doesn't have enough to enthrall the listener....this is only my opinion of course....and make them want to come back and hear it again and again. I listened three times and while I enjoyed listening and appreciated the nice melody you've got and the lyrics, I'm struggling to remember any of it now really.

I do agree that you don't have to have a BIG chorus in every song. But a repeated refrain, as suggested by Mikek, could be useful here. I do think that a song should have a structure which includes a point, a landmark of some sort, at which the song arrives at, and then departs from again. This is what the listener fixes on and remembers, knows is coming, and looks forward to. This is how it works I think.

Suzanne may not have a chorus as such but it does have a repeated lyrical part 'you want to travel etc' which though it isn't exactly the same each time creates these points in the song.

Without something like that a song just goes from start to finish.

You could break it up with some instrumental passages which would help but I still think it would benefit from some sort of refrain.

[Martinswede]

Hi everyone!

Thanks for your input.
I've always aimed towards simplicity ever since the day I realized it's easier.
When I read your replies I came to understand that this song indeed
needs something more. I was about to start recording it today with
just adding an instrumental part in the middle. But I was too tired to record
so instead I just played some guitar and sang. This is the lyrics for the
chorus first draft.

'You opened up my eyes
Golden fields and blue skies
you keep me warm
guide me home
guide me home'

The first two lines are almost a pre-chorus and the two last have the
melody hook.

Cheers,
- Martin