konalavadome

"Lifestory"

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SqaTTax

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« on: February 01, 2017, 05:28:25 AM »
Hey,
I wrote this so far. Please give me your opinion(s).

Okay, yeah
My life's a mess
Some say I might have stress
I just got fired from my job
Now I'm looking for a new job
What's the chance I'll ever get one?
I can't even keep one

What is going on?
I am doing it all wrong
Just got thrown out of school
I'm such a fool
I smoked weed
I'll never plant my seed

I keep on crying
It's not that I'm trying
I won't ever get it
I should probably leave it
I can't keep my word
Put me in the dirt

You know my name
Not my story
Call me Unnamed
I'm ashamed
My life's still a mess
Never taken any meds





Words I want in my song

Sadness
Family issues
Struggle with life
Girlfriend

GuitarArt1980

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« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2017, 07:11:24 PM »
I appreciate that the lyrics are very direct, but I would explore metaphors to add depth. For example, the line "Some say I might have stress" could become something like "I'm breaking under the weight on my shoulders" or something that digs deeper.

Also, don't feel like you need to rhyme words exactly. For example - "mess" could also rhyme close enough to words like "best",  "edge" or any word that ends in the "eh" sound.
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CaliaMoko

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« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2017, 08:11:57 PM »
I see you've been with us for awhile, but you haven't been participating in the normal give and take of forum life. I suggest you check out the guidelines for the "Finished Songs" and "Works in Progress" and get involved at a deeper level. You'll find you get a better response when you're spending some of your time reviewing other works.

Do you have any music in mind for these lyrics yet? To me, this looks like an early draft of a song. That's just me, and I'm far from an expert so, if you don't agree, just ignore me.

If you do agree, though, here are some thoughts. First of all, you're rhyming words with themselves. I strongly recommend finding rhyming words, rather than simply using the same word again.

Then some of the lines feel to me like they've been chosen simply because they rhyme, not because they add to the song. Like, "Call me unnamed" and "Never taken any meds". Or it could be I'm just not getting your point. I tend to be a bit dense that way.

Anyway, that's a couple of my thoughts. I hope they're helpful.

Vicki