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Forever Young

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Arkwright

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« on: January 27, 2017, 09:03:28 PM »
Well it's been a while as I've been preoccupied with trying to write a play script for a local festival. Hopefully now that's out of the way, I can get back to being an active member of the forum again.

As usual no explanations or back story to the lyrics, make of them what you will. Might need another verse, not sure yet.

All thoughts, suggestions and criticisms gratefully received.

V1
I touched your face
And traced the lines
Growing old
Is the crime of crimes
So hold on tight
To the hands of time
He'll lead us to
The edge of forever

V2
When darkness fell
In the fading light
Just out of reach
And out of sight
Chasing shadows
In the shades of night
Dawns chorus sang
As we passed on by

CHORUS
We danced the dance
In the moonlight
Left footprints on our grave
Forever young was a dream
Our tears of sorrow gave
Forever young was a promise
The reaper never made

V3
From youth of spring
To autumn of life
We lived in peace
Died free from strife
The summer sun
Hid the truth in lies
While winter whispered
Her last goodbye

BRIDGE
Walk with me
Come walk with me
Soon be free
We'll soon be free
There ain't no place
I'd rather be
When the sandman
Calls your name

CHORUS
We danced the dance
In the moonlight
Left footprints on our grave
Forever young was a dream
Our tears of sorrow gave
Forever young was a promise
The reaper never made

Neil C

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« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2017, 05:15:52 PM »
Steve,
Great to have you back, hope the play went well, I'm sure it was quiet an bit of effort.
Good meter and rhymes as ever, the bridge is my favourite.
My only thought revolved around the last line, especially on V1, it didn't scan too well
 :)
Neil

songwriter of no repute..

ScottLevi

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« Reply #2 on: January 29, 2017, 02:18:51 PM »
Hey Arkwright,

Nice to see you about!

Really powerful, I the first two verses particularly very strong and drew me straight in. Great way to set the scene.

I agree with Neil on some of the last lines though, the ending of the first verse confuses me and though the I understand and appreciate what you're capturing with the end of the second, something does seem a little off with the end of that too.

Chorus is pretty cool also; "Forever young was a promise the reaper never made" is killer.

Loving the use of seasons and time of day throughout, with verse 3 bringing it together.

Not sure on adding another verse, everything you have so far seems to fit together so nicely and each verse has it's place and story well told. Are you considering another because you have more story to tell or to flesh out the length / structure? Works well as is imo.

Very beautiful overall, really classy lyrics with lots going for it. Just my cup of tea.

All the best,
Scott.

Martinswede

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« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2017, 07:43:01 PM »
Hi Arkwright!

'So hold on tight
To the hands of time
He'll lead us to
The edge of forever'

I agree with Neil C and ScottLevi the last lines are not going so
well with the rest of the lyrics. 'Now and until the edge of forever'
Is my first thought.

Your lyric is full of metaphors and nothing wrong with it but to me
you kind of brush at the surface of the themes. Joy of life and
the inevitability of death. To capture the moment and live as if every day
is the last, still believing love will last forever.

In someway I think it lacks some substance. Another verse might not be the
solution in my opinion. Instead taking some metaphors and substitute them
with descriptions of the characters could give the song some weight.

I understand poetic descriptions can be good, but also a temptation.
There has to be contrast. And not just in a metaphorical sense.
You have a good start. Give it some extra time and you might end up
with a really good song.

Cheers,
- Martin

Paulski

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« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2017, 08:18:01 PM »
Hi Arkwright

Good to have you back :)
I like this piece - reminded me of "In Flanders Fields" for some reason - maybe because it seems to be the dead talking to us. Now, the "Forever Young" hook has been used by some famous ppl (Rod Stewart?) but that's no biggie.

I think the last verse line could be used to make the music more complex - so no issues for me there.
The "hands of time" bit is esp good, as is the chorus  ;D

Paul

adamfarr

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« Reply #5 on: February 08, 2017, 10:03:24 AM »
Hi there - what a great line "a promise the Reaper never made". "Gowing old is the crime of crimes" is also excellent.

I wasn't 100% sure if the protagonists were alive or dead... I think they are. Or one dies and joins the other... But the first verse and bridge suggest not yet. Perhaps you could make them both past tense to set up the story?

Walk with me
You'll walk with me
Now we're free
Forever free
No other place
That I could be
When the sandman
Called your name

Maybe I'm seeing a different story from the one you're telling. But just a thought...


Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra

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« Reply #6 on: February 08, 2017, 04:16:40 PM »
Bob Dylan song title of course but I don't think that should get in the way.

I've been having a go at putting some music to it

Like Paulski I don't find the last line of the verses to be an issue...in fact the way I've done it it works fine.

Stuck on the chorus though so I can't promise anything and don't want to stop anyone else from having a go at it.

I think the first verse is the strongest. In the second 'Chasing shadows in the shades of night' struck me at first as a bit too many 'shad's but I like the rhythm of the lines so I think you can get away with that.

Verse 3 is ok....but I think the challenge of getting all the seasons in has forced things a bit and i think it's the weakest verse...but nothing a bit of work couldn't fix.

Like the repeats of 'walk with me' and 'soon we'll be' in the bridge which should be a good feature if the music's right.

Chorus I like though singing or even saying 'danced the dance' is something I keep tripping over.

Generally though it's a good song lyric which you have a knack for....immediately made me wonder if I could do anything with it.
Take it easy.

You can check my stuff out here. Mini-album getting bigger slowly. Free download if you're poorer than me.

Easy Life - Viscount Cramer

Arkwright

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« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2017, 06:00:33 PM »
Thanks everyone for their constructive comments... I've waited to reply as didn't want to be seen as a serial post bumper.

Firstly I'll tackle the issue that more than one person found a bit of an issue, namely the last two lines of each verse. I have to admit that I too was struggling to get them to scan correctly and had every intention based on your comments to maybe play with them a little until Paulski and the Viscount suggested they may work. So for the time being I'll leave them alone and see what Viscount Cramer comes up with.

@Neil C - Thanks for the welcome back. The play was not my finest hour but I fulfilled my obligation and finished it on time.

@Scott - With regard to the last lines of verse 1, I was trying to convey that moment when time ends in the mortal realm and for those who believe in such things, continues into another world where everything lasts forever. So essentially, time took them to the brink of the two worlds. I was only thinking about anther verse as I thought it was too short, but after reading your comments I'm happy to leave it as it is.

@Martin - Thanks for your helpful comments. With regard to the overuse of metaphors, I understand exactly where you're coming from. However, in this instance the whole song is meant to be one big metaphor for growing old. The protagonists could be anyone and it wasn't about anyone in particular. It was more about the concept of age and death so I didn't want to get bogged down by being too descriptive.

@Paulski - Thanks for your comments, valued as always. In my usual sloppy approach to writing I didn't research the title, so wasn't aware of it's use in other songs. I could if it proves a problem, change the title and corresponding lines to 'Never Old'

@Adamfarr - In my head the protagonists are alive but on the brink of death. I was trying to capture their final hours before they died in verse 3. I will have another look to see if that's what I achieved, so thanks for pointing it out.

@Viscount Cramer - As this is my first crack at lyrics for some considerable time, I feel slightly humbled that you thought them worthy of having a 'crack' at putting them to music. As usual, I'm not precious about my lyrics and happy to work with you on any changes you feel are needed to make it work. Feel free to drop me a PM if there's anything you'd like me to look at specifically.

Many thanks to you all for commenting and I look forward to your views on my next effort which makes absolutely no sense whatsoever  ;D
« Last Edit: February 08, 2017, 06:03:13 PM by Arkwright »

Rosie1991

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« Reply #8 on: June 04, 2017, 04:47:20 PM »
I  really like this one, well done .