konalavadome

help me correct the text pls!!!

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andrew stikk

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« on: September 03, 2011, 06:36:44 AM »
Hello! I wrote the lyrics for the song, but since I speak English badly, then surely there are lots of silly mistakes. Please help me correct the text. Thank you.

it seemed like an endless walk down the street disappointments
it seemed like blurred square and the lack of hope that there'll be sunshine
and no one could give me hope but you probably
and no one knew how to love me but you and you did it
and now i meet the dawn on horseback
and leave you alone in a warm bed
I crave the exploits
I thirst for achievements,
but I'm coming back to you
in the evening
and I want to forget that once saw the tears in your eyes
oh my dear girl, there's nothing more to cry
oh my dear, the world is on our side, yeah
there's nothing more to cry

listen, the angels sing us a song of praise, god knows what tomorrow will bring
that's exactly our way, whatever it was winding, yeah
let's dance all night, just hold me tight
i need to burn burn burn in your fire tonight
it's like an internal light
just stay with me this night and everything is gonna be all right
but tommorow i'll meet the dawn on horseback
and leave you alone in a warm bed
I crave the exploits
I thirst for achievements,
but I'm coming back to you
in the evening
and I want to forget that once saw the tears in your eyes
oh my dear girl, there's nothing more to cry
oh my dear, the world is on our side, yeah
there's nothing more to cry

Pescatore

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    • Martin Pescatore
« Reply #1 on: September 06, 2011, 03:12:15 PM »
Hi,
As a whole I think it sounds great, one or two of the sentences are a bit cryptic, but that is not really a bad thing - it makes the lyric more interesting (IMHO).  The only change I would make is to add an I (the subject) in here, otherwise the sense is lost.

and I want to forget that I once saw the tears in your eyes

Keep up the good work (I wish I could write that well in a second language...)

P

papisilver

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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2011, 03:00:34 PM »
I did the best I can to review this. could you write me a song please?

it seemed like an endless walk down the street [of]disappointments
it seemed like blurred square and the lack of hope that there'll be sunshine
and no one could give me hope but you probably
and no one knew how to love me but you and you did it
and now i meet the dawn on horseback
and leave you alone in a warm bed
I crave the exploits
I thirst for achievements,
but I'm coming back to you
in the evening
and I want to forget once saw the tears in your eyes
oh my dear girl, there's nothing more to cry
oh my dear, the world is on our side, yeah
there's nothing more to cry

listen, the angels sing us a song of praise, god knows what tomorrow will bring
that's exactly our way, whatever it was winding, yeah
let's dance all night, just hold me tight
i need to burn burn burn in your fire tonight
it's like an internal light
just stay with me this night and everything is gonna be all right
but tommorow i'll meet the dawn on horseback
and leave you alone in a warm bed
I crave the exploits
I thirst for achievements,
but I'm coming back to you
in the evening
and I want to forget once saw the tears in your eyes
oh my dear girl, there's nothing more to cry
oh my dear, the world is on our side, yeah
there's nothing more to cry