[ScottLevi]

Hey hey,

So I realized I've been writing a lot of 2-verse songs but nothing substantial. Decided I'd take the pondering thoughts of whether "staying together for the kids" is actually beneficial to create a longer story.

Writ in my natural rappy way but imagine the end result being slowed down a little. This was more of a training exercise than anything as it's a bit too personal for me be shouting about whilst slapping my guitar strings - so not sure Ill be progressing anytime soon.

I've tried to keep a consistent progression through time but also mix each section as her - context - him until the end where it breaks for the 'conclusion'. 1-line chorus in between each section to hint towards the conclusion which isn't made completely obvious by the verses leading up to it.

I'm missing a bridge though, not sure if I need a lyrical bridge or if an instrumental break would suffice given the strong structure.

Yeah so I've posted this in the lyrics section; but it's more of a writing process aspect which I'm looking at it from; as in whether this structure and method of progression is reasonable in trying to create a more substantial lyric.


<sub>She was a sweet young girl with love on her mind
Used to work in an office and smoke to unwind
Met a man with green hands - spilling contraband
They were close for the most together all the time

Didn't think it through, gave birth to two,
Tied down to marriage she'll have to make do,

He's quite intellectual with so much potential,
But slaving for wages to pave the way,
Unfulfilled aspirations by unplanned creations,
He's caving from the pressures of the day-to-day

Wait until they're older

She was a stay at home mother with chores on her mind,
Used to clean the house and smoke to unwind,
Stuck with an addict sitting 'round tragic,
They were couched in the house all of the time

Months turn to years, the boredom turns tears,
Tired of the marrage too late for repairs

Completely clueless, mind now useless,
Shadow of the man that he used to be
Blissful innonance shrowded in ignorance
Toking away the thoughts of family

Wait until they're older

She was a middle aged lady with freedom on her mind,
Used to work part time and smoke to unwind,
Made new friends, found a means to an end,
She was debating escaping all of the time

Thoughts turn to actions, that's how it happens,
Breaking the marriage in search of passion,

He was completely distraught never pondered the thought,
That those words could be spoken,
Discredited endevours no redemption whatsoever
A man no more just broken

Wait until they're older

The kids grow old, from a broken mold,
Of relationships and family,
They do what they see, not what they're told,
Faking living happily.</sub>


All the best,
Scott.

[Jazzone]

I've seen this in another lyric...there is too many words..but if you cut it down
the hook 'wait until they're older' isn't very strong..am being nice and supportive so
just picking on what i first see, best to come..

The more words you put in to make it interesting seem to be there to
build up what it doesn't have; an interesting song. But i am reading it..... so it must be neat and cool.

In all respects, i like that you are letting your pen flow and come up with some
nice lines, and the length of the lines are neat and equal too..  Well done, you can write! 

Just keep it a bit more simple...don't worry that you want the lyric to amaze people.

A lot of writers know that the music will take it to the top.. the music will take it right up..

Nice to read it though...hope you can learn from me.

 

[tomcrocus]

Hi Scott,
            i think there's lots to like about this,no disrespect to Jazzone
but i don't think there's too many words.I enjoyed the story it tells and
reading it in the rappy kind of way which you mention i think it gels and
comes together really well.
Maybe an instrumental break will pull it all together or maybe not,it flows
well as it is,
                 best wishes, Tom.

[Paulski]

Hi Scott

I think it would work nicely format-wise.
As a musician, I always think a non-conventional structure is more challenging to write music for - unless it's TOO unconventional - then it's not fun at all...

Lyrically I'd be tempted to change the hook as it progresses (although that's a no-no conventionally as well ) I would use "Wait until HE gets older" for his sections, "wait for HER to get older" in her sections and end off with "they get older". Just a thought.. Oh, and the last line might be easier to sing if it was:

"Pretending to live happily"

Overall - a good piece - enjoyed reading.
Paul

[ScottLevi]

Hey all,

Done this in the wrong order, commented on others first now bumping my own; so apologies xD

Hey Jazz,

No worries on the criticisms, they're always welcome and encouraged to me! To be honest this one was intentionally made a little long and wordy; I'm of the persuasion that if you think you're struggling with a certain aspect of writing the best way is to overdo it to stress the point, then hope that next time you'll fall into a happy medium! For me I was finding I was writing things too short and snappy.

I have had a little mess around on my guitar, and wnjoy the challenge to push you to the "it is an interesting song" view when I get 'round to making a recording.

Hey Tom,

Thanks for the encouragement, and good idea on the instrumental break though not sure where the logical place to fit it would be. I'll add an instrumental break to my experimenting and see if it comes up trumps.

Yo Paulski,

Cheers for the support on the structure, I think there is something here as I've grown to like them more over time rather than the usual diminishing novelty that I usually get.

Probably tried to work too many angles into this, but whole thing is supposed to be about the children, though quite indirect in it's approach of talking only about the parents until the final verse. Trying to put you in the shoes of the kids I guess watching the parent's perils as opposed to telling you about the kids - but to the point it means that switching to "he" and "she" wouldn't fit into my vision.

I do like the idea though and have been pondering changing the last occurrence into "Now that they're older" or something of the like.

Thanks to all for taking the time to read and reply, is much appreciated.

Cheers,
Scott.

[diademgrove]

Hi Scott,

sort of works for me as a song but it seems impersonal. I'm not sure why, I think its because you don't develop the characters, you tell us what they do but don't include much detail about how they feel.

The couplet "Didn't think it through, etc" is good but it doesn't sit right, at least for me, with the first verse. Was seeing looking for love but found the man with green hands instead? Or did she find love with him?

I think that's true of all your couplets, which are excellent by the way. To me the verses don't seem to be strong enough to support them. I would say you need to show us more emotion from the protagonists.

I agree with Jazzone, the refrain doesn't really follow on from the verses and couplets. I don't see how aging would improve the relationship. Sorry.

I think you have a good idea for a song and some great lines but showing us how the couple feel would improve the song.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith

[adamfarr]

Some great lines here:
"Unfulfilled aspirations by unplanned creations"
"They were couched in the house all of the time" - love the use of couch as a verb...

And more - the rhymes are consistently great here.

I love the ambition, to tell the story in three stages from both their points of view. To me it does beg for a strong chorus to glue it all together. However, that would add to the length which is probably not the best. I also really like the last section about the kids - I wondered to myself whether there's material for a chorus there (verses for the parents, chorus from the kids' point of view).

Anyhow, definitely potential here and look forward to seeing the next steps!

[ScottLevi]

Hey Adam, Keith,

Thanks for the feedback, plenty of great suggestions/advice which I'll digest properly later.

Just a quick note I know I've been absent the last couple of weeks - my work-days have been spilling into work-evenings which have been spilling into work-weekends.
I'm still committed to the forum and my work has peaks and troths so my activity will go back up soon - I hope!

Cheers again!

All the best,
Scott

[hardtwistmusic]

Someone said it had "too many lines."  I disagree. 

This is a "story based" lyric.  There is no point to it if you don't tell the whole story. 

It IS too long for a commercial song.  But if art is your goal,  I wouldn't lose a line if I were you. 

[rikgrimesisdead]

two words.....love it

[finestrat]

I think it works well, I was reading it as a sort of slow rap and it wasn't disjointed.  The story made perfect sense.  I'm no expert (only just started) but thought the line wait until they're older could be extended a bit.