[Lejonhjarta]

Hello, this is my first post here. I've been writing since 14-15 and am soon 23. I used to write 2-3 songs in 20 mknutes but last two years has been harder, probably because I set the bar higher. So I thought I would post a part of a lyric for some feedback. I want you to say aswell wether you get the point or if it needs explaining, one of my achilles heels. I want the song to explain itself. Here goes:

V1

Gentlemen in suits and all
Picking up a cellphone call outside
Ignoring the clashing of tides

Freedomthieves and celebrities
Driving round in SUV's before
They end up on a hotel floor

Chorus
So I find it hard to believe
That the flowers they talk about in their sleep
Grows around the houses
On my street

[Martinswede]

Hello Lejonhjärta!

Welcome to the forum!

I don't get the point of your lyrics. They seem to lack a direction. Being just statements.
I'm not saying there's nothing to tell. It just doesn't fit together to make a story.
Maybe that's not the point. I don't write story based lyrics. I write them around emotions
mostly. The story is secondary. But you seem to use a lot of 'facts' and there by implying
a narrative. As an example:

Freedomthieves and celebrities
Driving round in SUV's before
They end up on a hotel floor

'Freedomthives' who's freedom are they said to be stealing.
It might up to the listener to figure it out but a song should not, in my opinion,
leave the listener with a bunch of questions regarding the facts in a song.
Questions about life and love and peace and war might be appreciated but questions
about what the songwriter meant is often not.

I like that you've taken your writing to a new level or 'raised the bar' as you say.
All of us need that at some point. Certainly if you write a song on a coffee break.
Working with words might be very rewarding. Working with lyrical content too.

I advise you to write a few more verses then boil each of them down to just one sentence.
Then start to write outside of the form about these short phrases. Imagination and
creativity can do wonders when there are no rules. When you got a draft boil it down to lyrics.
Re post and hope you get good input.

Good luck,
- Martin

[Lejonhjarta]

Hello Lejonhjärta!

Welcome to the forum!

I don't get the point of your lyrics. They seem to lack a direction. Being just statements.
I'm not saying there's nothing to tell. It just doesn't fit together to make a story.
Maybe that's not the point. I don't write story based lyrics. I write them around emotions
mostly. The story is secondary. But you seem to use a lot of 'facts' and there by implying
a narrative. As an example:

Freedomthieves and celebrities
Driving round in SUV's before
They end up on a hotel floor

'Freedomthives' who's freedom are they said to be stealing.
It might up to the listener to figure it out but a song should not, in my opinion,
leave the listener with a bunch of questions regarding the facts in a song.
Questions about life and love and peace and war might be appreciated but questions
about what the songwriter meant is often not.

I like that you've taken your writing to a new level or 'raised the bar' as you say.
All of us need that at some point. Certainly if you write a song on a coffee break.
Working with words might be very rewarding. Working with lyrical content too.

I advise you to write a few more verses then boil each of them down to just one sentence.
Then start to write outside of the form about these short phrases. Imagination and
creativity can do wonders when there are no rules. When you got a draft boil it down to lyrics.
Re post and hope you get good input.

Good luck,
- Martin

Thanks martin!

So the song is about people with authority, leaders, celebrities etc. And their lack of knowledge of the real world for ordinary people. They show their lack of knowledge time and again by their behaviour but at the end of the day they still expect you to listen and take them seriously. The flowers they talk about in their sleep doesnt grow around my house.

Does it make more sense? If you have suggestions as to how to more easily get my point across feel free to reply.

[Wildkitty]

Interesting lyrics, I quite like em
I know what concept you are talking about, and these remind me in some way of some motorhead lyrics.
I think the verse you have is quite clear and sets the theme/topic for the song. so in verse 2 for example you could go a bit more abstract and build a story.
let us know when you have some more verses or choruses, would be interesting to see how this tune develops

[hardtwistmusic]

Hello Lejonhjärta!

Welcome to the forum!

I don't get the point of your lyrics. They seem to lack a direction. Being just statements.
I'm not saying there's nothing to tell. It just doesn't fit together to make a story.
Maybe that's not the point. I don't write story based lyrics. I write them around emotions
mostly. The story is secondary. But you seem to use a lot of 'facts' and there by implying
a narrative. As an example:

Freedomthieves and celebrities
Driving round in SUV's before
They end up on a hotel floor

'Freedomthives' who's freedom are they said to be stealing.
It might up to the listener to figure it out but a song should not, in my opinion,
leave the listener with a bunch of questions regarding the facts in a song.
Questions about life and love and peace and war might be appreciated but questions
about what the songwriter meant is often not.

I like that you've taken your writing to a new level or 'raised the bar' as you say.
All of us need that at some point. Certainly if you write a song on a coffee break.
Working with words might be very rewarding. Working with lyrical content too.

I advise you to write a few more verses then boil each of them down to just one sentence.
Then start to write outside of the form about these short phrases. Imagination and
creativity can do wonders when there are no rules. When you got a draft boil it down to lyrics.
Re post and hope you get good input.

Good luck,
- Martin

Thanks martin!

So the song is about people with authority, leaders, celebrities etc. And their lack of knowledge of the real world for ordinary people. They show their lack of knowledge time and again by their behaviour but at the end of the day they still expect you to listen and take them seriously. The flowers they talk about in their sleep doesnt grow around my house.

Does it make more sense? If you have suggestions as to how to more easily get my point across feel free to reply.

It doesn't have to "make sense."   And the listener doesn't have to "hear" the same thing you are "saying."   As long as it means SOMETHING to each individual listener, it's fine. 

That said. . . this lyric will be made or broken by the music it is paired with.  If the music creates the mood and/or emotion that the lyric doesn't communicate AND if the music provides the hooks, then this can be a good lyric. 

If not. . . well, it really is not a great "poem" by itself. 

But it CAN BE a great lyric with the right music.  I hope that makes sense. 

[Hooded Singer]

It seems more like you tried to make a political statement than write a song.

You gotta read things out loud and cut what doesn't have that very intangible subjective thing - 'flow'.

When you say these lines out loud do you get that vibe that they can be sung with some kind of melody? Are the words there because they flow beautifully to the next or just there due to rhyming?

Writing a song isn't like writing a book, you have to give some thought to how things sound rather than simple what the story is.

It's hard to judge words on a page - much of music is the delivery of lyrics and the accompanying music - however - do you think "Gentlemen in suits and all, Picking up a cellphone call outside" could ever be said in a way that's pleasing to the ear?

[Lejonhjarta]

I have music to the lyrics too, will upload what I have later