Feedback request - The Mirror

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Lazernaut

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« on: January 11, 2017, 07:00:41 PM »
Hello everyone. This is my first post here. I'm hoping for some feedback from competent people. I've been making music since the late 1990s, but only recently started writing lyrics seriously. Below you'll find my 2nd attempt at this.

The song will loosely follow a rock/pop structure of intro, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, solo, verse, chorus, outro

Verse 1
Sit by the fire  
Let it comfort you
Fulfill your desire
Divine from past and prior

Verse 2
See your reflection
Judgment looking back
The key is forgiveness
Open the door to greatness

Verse 3
Don’t fear the mirror
Let it be your friend
You’ve been granted access
Go forth and live in excess

Chorus
Come into my house
Take a look in the mirror
Face your nemesis
you’ll see much clearer
« Last Edit: January 11, 2017, 07:12:51 PM by ebbc »

Paulski

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« Reply #1 on: January 13, 2017, 06:13:24 PM »
Hi ebbc and welcome!

OK I know you wanted  competent people to respond but I'm going to comment anyway  ;D
First off your hook is excellent IMHO and the title of this song should be "Don't Fear the Mirror".
I think Verse 3 looks like the start to a great chorus - it starts with the hook as a chorus often does and "Let it be your friend" is a great way to develop it. I would sugg replacing the last two lines of it though and end it rhyming with "friend".

You might get more comments if you review other ppl's lyrics..

Paul

diademgrove

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« Reply #2 on: January 13, 2017, 07:43:04 PM »
Hi ebbc,

welcome to the forum. I like your words and the verses and choruses work well together. I have two suggestions. First I would be to start with the chorus. It sounds like you are already in the house and sat by the fire if the first thing you hear is the first verse. I think the chorus is strong enough to start the song.

Second I'd consider turning the third verse into a bridge as it essentially finishes the story.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith


Lazernaut

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« Reply #3 on: January 15, 2017, 09:33:25 PM »
First of all - thanks for the feedback. It was very valuable.

I'll be changing the title as suggested. Instead of just conveying the fact that it's about a mirror, using that line as the title makes people think "why would you fear a mirror?" which is a lot better.

Changing the order of things is also good.

Now for the noob questions: what is a hook, and what is a bridge (I have a vague idea of what it is but not enough to not ask)?

Quote
You might get more comments if you review other ppl's lyrics..
Honestly I didn't feel I was competent enough to do it, but I suppose it can't hurt. Worse case scenario is I don't make a difference and the best case is I learn something.

Paulski

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« Reply #4 on: January 16, 2017, 12:55:19 PM »
what is a hook, and what is a bridge (I have a vague idea of what it is but not enough to not ask)?

I'll take a run at this - others may explain it better than me though :)

A hook is either a lyrical or musical element in your song that makes the listener remember it and want to play it again. If we're talking about a lyrical hook, it's usually (not always) the title of the song and usually (not always!) appears in a power position in the chorus - the chorus is the repeated section of a song that (typically) releases tension built up (normally  ;D) in the verses. A musical hook is a riff or phrase/melody that is repeated through-out the song, again to make it memorable and familiar sounding to the listener.

Oh, and a bridge (also called a middle 8 because it is typically 8 bars in length) is a section in the song that usually introduces a different lyrical perspective than the verse or chorus' lyrics. It often has a different melody than the rest of the song as well. Although not always necessary, it can give the listener a break from the usual verse/chorus lyrical and melodic patterns.

BTW - anyone is qualified to give reviews. If you are a listener or reader your opinion/reaction to a lyric or song is important to everyone here IMHO.

Hope this is of some help  ;D
Paul

Lazernaut

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« Reply #5 on: January 18, 2017, 06:36:43 PM »
I see. It's basically the same as with song structure (different side to the same coin I guess). I was just confused about it so thanks for clearing it up :)

Based on you guys' excellent feedback I've changed the song around a little. How is this? It's my opinion that the chorus really ought to be the strongest part of a song.

Verse 1
Sit by the fire 
Let it comfort you
Fulfil your desire
Divine from past and prior

Verse 2
See your reflection
Judgment looking back
The key is forgiveness
Open the door to greatness

Verse 3
Come into my house
Gaze upon yourself
And then fact and fiction
Offer no contradiction

Chorus
Don’t fear the mirror
Let it be your friend
You’ve been granted access
To live in excess

11

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« Reply #6 on: January 22, 2017, 11:23:31 PM »
Hi i myself do melodys 1st then lyrics, come from nowhere
I dont know How u write lyrics 1st???
I have only done 1 song that way outa 30+
But it got good feedback...

My advice is When u write a Song let it Evolve...
This way is best only if u have melody 1st...

Nice lyrics btw...

Keep plodding at it...

Its great to create a song from thin air ;)
Melody 1st...
Lyrics Will Come After ;)

Lazernaut

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« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2017, 08:18:32 PM »
I dont know How u write lyrics 1st???
I actually don't. It's a very dynamic process for me. I mostly let the music control the flow of the lyrics. Since they'll end up going together I find it impossible to only do one or the other first. Like you I guess :)

Nice lyrics btw...

Many thanks :)

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« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2017, 08:53:55 PM »
Yup i let the song develope evolve...

It just comes... & it has to fit like a glove...
With some tweeking here n there lol
Melody 1st...
Lyrics Will Come After ;)

diademgrove

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« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2017, 10:33:04 PM »
Hi ebbc,

I see you've swapped the chorus with a verse. My only suggestion is to start with verse 3 followed by verse 1, then the chorus, verse 2, chorus, solo, chorus. It'll make the song slightly shorter unless you extend the solo.

The story, then goes come in, sit by the fire, don't fear the mirror, it'll grant you greatness so don't fear the mirror. Seems more logical to me.

Feel free to ignore me. Still think they are really good lyrics.

Keith

Oldbutyet

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« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2017, 10:36:19 PM »
Hi ebbc

I like what you have here has that magic mirror alternate reality feel to it, but on reading for me the AABB rhyme line maybe could work better with ABAB rhyming, hope you don't mine but for me this way has a more ease back flow that might work better with finding your melody/music.

Verse 1
Sit by the fire 
Fulfil your desire
Let it comfort you
Divine from past and prior

Verse 2
See your reflection
The key is forgiveness
Judgment looking back
Opens the door to greatness

Chorus
Don’t fear the mirror
You’ve been granted access
Let it be your friend
Don't fear to excess, for we are one

Verse 3
Come into my house
Let us see your fact your fiction
Gaze upon yourself
Offers no contradiction

Chorus
Don’t fear the mirror
You’ve been granted access
Let it be your friend
Don't fear to excess, for we are one