[Jazzone]

I HAD A FLING WITH TOYAH..   

Yesterday
Your smile was bigger
what to expect next
about the day
pre- yesterday

I had
a fling with Toyah
Now i
am in some trouble

Matters get worse
When she told me her plans
here's some wedding plans
Written on head-
ed paper, a curse?

(Bridge)

Toyah told me
things will get worse
for this flirting
bubbles will burst

I had
a fling with Toyah
now i
am in some trouble

(2nd bridge)
I have to get
out quick
sandwiched feeling
so thick
a fling
with Toyah has made me sick

 

[rikgrimesisdead]

haha catchy,nice lil song

[Jazzone]

    Cheers.

[Paulski]

Hi Jazzone

You have a great hook here - drew me in
It's a bit difficult to tell who is saying what in this..

You start out saying "your" - are you talking to Toyah?
Then you tell us about the fling (I assume she's no longer there?)
Now you're calling her "she" (so I guess she isn't there anymore)

I think it would be stronger if you sorted out these point-of-view (POV) issues.
Also maybe find a better rhyme for "plans" than "plans" ?? 

Good luck with this one
Paul

[Jazzone]

Yesterday
Your smile was bigger
Julie now what next
about the day
pre-yesterday

I had
a fling with Toyah
Now i
am in some trouble

Matters get worse
Julie told me her plans
Here's some wedding talk
written on head-
ed paper, a curse?

(bridge)
Toyah told me
things will get worse
for this flirting
bubbles will burst

I had
a fling with Toyah
now i
am in trouble

(2nd bridge)

I have to get
out quick
sandwiched feeling
so thick
a feeling
with Toyah has made me sick

 

[Jazzone]

Thank you Paulski!

 

To me it was a good idea to bring the other woman's name...hope that is better..on reading back..

 

[Wicked Deeds]

What a cool little song! No critique from me - I simply enjoyed it a great deal!

[diademgrove]

Hi Jazzone,

these brought a smile to my face. In my head I imagined Toyah to be the woman in the second verse with the wedding plans. it was the "curse?" that did it. I then saw it was Julie in the second version. It sort of threw me a bit.

Apart from my mis-reading (?) I thought they were very good.

Keith

[Jazzone]

Thanks for that Wicked deeds.   

Needs a bit more clarity. Thank you though!