[ScottLevi]

I've had these lyrics all year and I've come to the conclusion that I can't do anything with 'em - so here's me dumping them to release the frustration from my mind to make space for new ventures in 2017.

Written them for a 12-bar blues but it's not something I can sing or play well at all. If anyone fancies doing something with that I'd love to hear what you can come up with - and I'm adding to the Collaboration League so points are up for grabs

Verse 1
I've given up hope,
But you don't even know this,
I've given up hope,
But you don't even notice

Verse 2
I really cannot cope,
I've tried to on my own,
I wish I wasn't sure
but I cannot be al-o-o-one

Chorus
Be my religion
My one and only saviour
Everything's Forgiven
'Cos I don't just behavior no-no

Verse 3
I no longer want to try
I know I cannot carry on
Not expecting a reply
'Cos I know the time is gone

Verse 4
And I don't mean to pry,
But I wish I knew you more,
'Cos I can't figure out why,
But this distance makes me so-o-ore

Chorus
Be my religion
My one and only saviour
Everything's Forgiven
'Cos I don't just behaviour no-noe

All the best,
Scott.

[diademgrove]

Hi Scott,

hard to hear it as a 12 bar blues, maybe an 8 bar blues, but more likely a ballad. I don't understand the last line of the chorus, seems like a forced rhyme.

I like the story outlined in the verses.

I'm full of cold at the minute but I'll have a think about how your words may be set to music. If you don't mind a little tinkering around the edges I'll see what I can come up with. No promises though.

Keith

[ScottLevi]

Hey Keith,

Yeah this was a very early attempt so probobally not quite correct to how I say the intention was aha. I had (1 per line)
Emaj Amaj Emaj E7
Amaj A7 Emaj E7
B7 A7 E7 B7
As my 12 but pretty sure that was robbed straight from an existing song and I just tried to put my lyrics right over the top.

Think your probially 80% right on that chorus line, but it does help reinforce what's trying to be said (in continuing the forgiveness theme). The whole thing is kind of self-contradictory but was the mess if my mind at the time. Kind of like v1/3 "I ent even trying to find someone anymore", v2/4 "But I need some company" and the chorus "I forgive everything please be with me"

Feel free to tinker as much as you'd like though - something doesn't sit right with the way I've been trying so would be muchly valued to see how you go about it if you find the time.

Cheers,
Scott.

[Vintage54]

    Hi Scott,
       Not much wrong with this that a little trimming and tweaking couldn't put right. I'm with Keith on the last line of the chorus, Can't get my head round it at all. In fact i think the chorus is probably the weakest part here, when it should be the strongest. First verse is fine, "know this and notice" work well.
I would trim V2 and change line 3, something along the lines of

              I really can't cope
              I've tried on my own
              I wish i was lying
              But i can't be alone
I also think the first and last lines of V4 are a little weak, and the song would benefit if they were stronger. Just my opinion bud, feel free to ignore. It's good, but has the potential to be so much better.

                      Vintage54