[leeza]

Hey everyone…

I would really appreciate some feedback on the lyrics and rhythm of my song:

https://soundcloud.com/leezaza/fireworks

These are the lyrics:

Red wine and closed doors
touched the sky on your floor
it was all a thrill at the start
Caught onto your hidden tricks
it was only skin to skin
But you wanted me to feel that spark

I fell from so high
just for fun
we lit up the night
before we turned to dust

We were like fireworks
but the pain was a slow burn
cuz you didn’t feel it in your heart
the ground crumbled where I stood
was it because of her
that you had to go and make your mark
Well boy, I hope she broke your heart good

Was it all play pretend?
You say we’re just friends
Crushed me so casually
Said the words to make me stay
Just air to fan the flame
Tragic serenity

I fell from so high
just for fun
we lit up the night
before we turned to dust

We were like fireworks
but the pain was a slow burn
cuz you didn’t feel it in your heart
the ground crumbled where I stood
was it because of her
that you had to go and make your mark
Well boy, I hope she broke your heart good

Broke your heart good
like you did mine,
never understood
tell me why


I'm also thinking of changing the chorus to:

We were like fireworks
but the pain was a slow burn
cuz you'd only feel it in the dark
We were like fireworks
was it because of her
that you had to go and leave a scar
Well boy, I hope she broke your heart good

Also, I want to record this but I know that I need to make the timing more solid. I didn’t write this to a click track and I’m regretting it now. When I play it on guitar, I get into the feel and rhythm of it but when I’m playing with a metronome, I can’t seem to figure out the BPM or what the time signature is. I *think* it’s 4/4 and 116 bpm but my down strums are not all on the downbeats so I’m questioning it. Also, I’m afraid that my chorus/verse are different rhythms. Maybe it’s my strumming pattern thats throwing it off. Anyways, if anyone could help me out and explain   

1) What the time signature/bpm is and how to know for sure
2) What can I do to make the timing more solid (like changing the strumming pattern)
3) How can I prevent this from happening again? Is writing to a click track the best option?

I’m still a noob at guitar playing so I’m sorry if the answers are really obvious. Also, please ignore the last chorus that is slowed down at the beginning, I’m planning on keeping the same timing throughout once I can get this darn thing figured out. Many thanks!!

[Morefrog Jones]

I have no advice to give but I think the song is great - Just keep working away and the song will take you where it takes you.

[AnitaFox]

Hey Leeza,

I really like the song and your voice.  

I also like the slowed chorus at the end,  for me it adds dimension to the song.

I'm sure somebody will be able to offer some insight into the technicalities.

Cheers

A

[Viscount Cramer & His Orchestra]

Like it a lot leeza.

The chorus lifts the song in a great way. I wondered straight away whether it might not be better to have 'we were like fireworks' twice in the chorus and then saw that you had already come to that idea yourself. It works fine the way you've sung it here anyway but repeated stuff has got to be good hasn't it? Gives the listener familiar landmarks.

I do play the guitar but honestly you would get a much better answer to your questions from somebody more knowledgeable than me. A song doesn't have to be totally rigid in its timing though and can even have time signature changes.

I'll shut up about that though...there are people on here much better qualified to give you the right answer.

Nice song.

[CaliaMoko]

Hi Leeza,

It's basically a 4/4 pattern, but...oh, I wish I could show you this on paper.... Anyway, it's a slow 4/4 or a fast 8/8. The "slow 4/4" is the beat that's your 116 bpm. But the fast 8/8, that's where your problem is. Not that it's actually a problem. It's a distinctive and respectable rhythm. Your rhythm--if we go with the 232 bpm (the fast 8/8)--is really 3/8, 3/8, 2/8. Over and over again. You're singing and playing 1-2-3-1-2-3-1-2, 1-2-3-1-2-3-1-2 etc.

It's a good rhythm; it's been used lots of times, and I like it. I don't know if any click track can emulate it, though. But you can probably make it work with a click track at 116, once you're aware of what you're doing with the rhythm.

If this doesn't make sense to you, please let me know. I can record something and post on soundcloud to help explain it.

Good luck with it!
Vicki

[NickyFinn]

Hi Leeza - this could be a really strong song with good lyrics and great vocal on the chorus.  Funnily enough it made me think of John legend's All of Me and SoundCloud shows that as a related track!  As to your questions:

1) What the time signature/bpm is and how to know for sure - can't argue with the last post and as Keats said, All charms fly at the mere touch of cold philosophy!!
2) What can I do to make the timing more solid (like changing the strumming pattern) - I like the pattern you have developed here, so really you just need to make it more consistent.  There are different sections each with its own pattern so I would try breaking the track up to work out each section in isolation then put it back together?
3) How can I prevent this from happening again? Is writing to a click track the best option? Click tracks generally help though they can sometimes get in the way of creativity.  If you can find some simple drum loops (which you can remove from any final recording) you might find that supports the strumming pattern better than the click track?  Alternatively, do a guide vocal with just a very basic set of chords (so just strum once each time the chord changes) and then build from there.

Not sure if that helps, and don't over-analyse as this is a great song!

[Wildkitty]

Hi Leeza
what a lovely and emotional song.
It's really nice to listen to, just every now and then I have trouble finding the beat
Before suggesting what can be done about that, I'd actually consider leaving the song with this free flow of tempo and rhythm as it's quite nice and fits the song.
but if you want a more solid drive behind the song, there's a few things you could look into
1) it's a normal 4/4 time and the best tempo would be if you took a number to start with, played through it and then evaluate whether it should be played faster or slower. I tapped a metronome while listening to the song and actually came up with 80bpm. but don't take my word for it, maybe its 116 like you said.
2)if you want to create a solid timing I'd suggest recording a rhythm guitar track first. record it to a metronome (click track) and accentuate the downbeat, maybe the 3 as well.if it doesn't fit int the song you can always delete or change it later by re-recording. If you decide to go with a click track aided recording you might have to adjust the vocal melody to fit in the meter.
3) to prevent this from happening in the future, I think the best thing to do is experiment with different options (click, no click, etc) and once you found something you're comfortable with se that as a template for future recordings

anyway, great song!

[mikek]

Nice song. Wordiness in verses can be challenging for the singer and the listener.  My initial thought was the fireworks line needs to repeat in the chorus...appears you and others concur.  It's good and you have a lovely voice.

[Cazrolina]

I cant offer any of the technical advice like the others can, but the changes in time signature didn't bother me too much as it's such a strong performance. Really nice. I also liked the slowed down part at the end.

But I can and will say with confidence that its a beautiful and emotional song that stayed with me after your amazing singing had finished.

And she will break his heart good... Karma is a b _ _ _ _.  

Caz x

https://soundcloud.com/cazrolina-1