[jacksimmons]

This is a little acoustic song I finished months back but currently can't decide what to do with. I thought I would put it here for feedback and general suggestions as to the arrangement. It's basically a folk number about a very lame, teenage time I had. It all felt so real at the time, though! I'm very much after feedback on the lyrics as well as the (sparse) music, cause I think it's a piece driven primarily by the words. Thanks in advance!

https://soundcloud.com/jack-simmons-1/between-the-aisles-acoustic

Lyrics:

Sometimes I’m lost in the world
Sweeping leaves between the aisles
And it’s wrong to say you love me
When you know our definitions aren’t the same.
I could wake up in a bed of spiders
But if you were in it too that would be okay, oh babe

Sometimes I’m lost in the world:
Being sad is so teenage
And I know my dirty shoes
Were a turn off right from the start.
I’ll see you in the newspaper
With an album or a gun
Or a man on your arm. No harm.

Sometimes I’m lost in the world:
I stopped sleeping when you said
“Too bad, I don’t care about a thing
When we’ve got a dirty bloody sink.”
If life really is this grey
Then stop the grey train I’m getting off.
It’s tough loving you.

Sometimes I’m lost in the world,
With the yellow moon like a hat on the industrial estate
I know now, that I’ve made a mistake.
To see you with your head of roses,
And me with my dead brain
Condemned to this charmless life.

Sometimes I’m lost in the world
Standing on the corner where you told me you love me.
It’s too bad I know you only love me when you’re sad.
Sometimes I feel that I am only
An extension of you but you’re not in the world.

[mickyplankton]

Its a great song. Someone once told me (or maybe i read it somewhere) that a great song needs only 1 vocal and 1 instrument (in this case acoustic guitar) to work. And this song demonstrates that perfectly. I dont think you need to add anything to it personally.

[jacksimmons]

Its a great song. Someone once told me (or maybe i read it somewhere) that a great song needs only 1 vocal and 1 instrument (in this case acoustic guitar) to work. And this song demonstrates that perfectly. I dont think you need to add anything to it personally.

Thanks Micky! I've toyed around with arrangements in the past (I wrote the melody and first few verses a few years ago when I was 19 hence the 'teenage' lyric) but never settled on anything I liked. Maybe you've answered it for me.

[CaliaMoko]

Well, this is a cheerful sounding, bouncy, sad song. Frankly, there is no redeeming situation, in my mind, for waking up in a bed of spiders. I don't care who else is there. But that's just me.

The words and melody line are closely linked, sometimes in a surprising way. It's kind of delightful. I noticed a couple times the strong beats of the words didn't match the strong beats of the song. The first one was:

Sometimes I know now, that I’ve made a mistake.

That one can be fixed.

The next one is:

And me with my dead brain

Technically, it could be fixed, but that would just make it sound worse, so I would leave that one alone, unless you do a major rewrite of that section.

I like the way the song does not end on the tonic. It gives the piece a very unstable feel, which is quite suited to the subject matter and helps to offset the jaunty feel of the melody. I would say the little unstable bits, contrasted against the happy tune, give the impression of a guy who is pretending to be on top of the world but really isn't.

That's all I have.

Vicki

[jacksimmons]

Thanks Calia for the phrasing advice! I'm glad you liked the song. I'm happy you found it to be a cheerful sounding sad song ,that's my favourite style to write. There's these guys called of Montreal that do just that (really it's more like a front for one guy) and I'm massively inspired by them in that regard. I think serious sadness is an easier pill to swallow when the music isn't depressing.

Thanks for listening

[kevysc]

Cool and original song. It sounds great as it is but would be even better with a full production, including piano and strings

[AlzieBear]

Hi mate great voice

I'd like to hear a big build up and a bit more drama in the melody at some point... but maybe that is just personal taste.

congrats on this song, title is memorable too.