Collab on this lyric

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josemar

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« on: December 20, 2016, 09:25:57 PM »
Hi,
Just wondering if anyone wld like to help me finish this song....
The lyrics below....the chorus is a bit sappy, a bit obvious...
I have some music done...but I would like fresh input/ideas....

Thanks, if you can

   Genre: soft rock/A/C or ballad
Male singer


FIRST CRY OF GOODBYE



I'm here
On that same stretch of beach
Where we jogged and we talked
In that early morning fog
I don't care
When people start to stare
Seems I’m talkin’ with myself
But I  talk with you, no one else

Gonna find your wet footprints
Gonna step right in
The waves can rush in
But I won't let them
Erase any trace of you

… I don't wanna cry                                   

 
      I don't wanna cry
      the FIRST CRY OF GOODBYE
      I just want you here in front of my eyes               (too obvious line here?)
      Every day I wanna   r call your name out
      Cause deep down I feel you’re still alive
      Feel you’re alive                                                    (repeat only once?)
      Feel you’re alive
      the FIRST CRY OF GOODBYE
      I just want you here in front of my eyes
      I don't wanna cry
      the FIRST CRY OF GOODBYE
      I just want you here in front of my eyes
             

I’ll grab                                                                        (the times they shared, might be better?)
Washed up bits of a wreck's mast
Scrape our names on the sand
Sayin here’s the place, where we ran     

And I’ll find your wet footprints
Gonna step right in
The waves can rush in
But I won't let them
Erase any trace of you

… I don't wanna cry   (pause before chorus)


      I don't wanna cry
      the FIRST CRY OF GOODBYE
      I just want you here in front of my eyes
      Each day wanna call your name aloud
      Cause deep down I feel you’re still alive
      Feel you’re alive
      Feel you’re alive
      I don't wanna cry
      the FIRST CRY OF GOODBYE
      I just want you here in front of my eyes
      I don't wanna cry
      the FIRST CRY OF GOODBYE
      I just want you here in front of my eyes 
                   

You were someone that everyone loved
You are someone that everyone still loves

Gonna find your wet footprints
Gonna step right in


       Chorus rpt

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: December 22, 2016, 02:31:26 AM »
Some ideas--by no means exhaustive and most certainly not the best possible, but ideas, nonetheless.

 I just want you here, in front of my eyes want you here
      Every day I wanna   call your name out loud
      Cause deep down inside I feel you’re still alive
      Feel you’re Still alive
      Feel you’re Still alive

I think the "I feel you're still alive" line could be better too, but I can't think of anything right now....

josemar

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« Reply #2 on: December 23, 2016, 02:19:58 PM »
cool, Cali, thanks for your fb...
It makes it  tighter

PENKSLYRICS

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« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2017, 12:11:03 PM »
Like your verses, some good imagery.
My ideas for the chorus, would be the same as Cali's, but replacing

"I just want you here, just want you here"

with this line.

"Just want to have you, right here by my side"

Plus I think the "I feel you're still alive" line works well, a good finish to it.