[Vintage54]

 
            Hello again to friends of mine, and also any strangers. Been sometime since i posted, in a prison of my own making, but we won't go there. Just thought i would post this, came pretty quick. Its nothing special, but tell me what you think, i can still take the punches. Its late, so i'll get around to giving my opinion on other peoples work later, those who know me, know i'm good for it.

                         Wish you were mine.

            I wish i'd met someone like you
            All those years ago
            When my skin was still tight to the bone
            I wouldn't have to feel this way
            I wouldn't know the blues
            And i wouldn't have to wake up all alone

            Light can play tricks
            So can time
            All i can do
            Is wish you were mine

            I'm glad that i've still got my health
            I'm glad that i can work
            I'm far from rich but i can't complain
            I'm thankful for the friends i've found
            I'm thankful for the sun
            But when it comes to love all it ever does is rain

            Light can play tricks
            So can time
            All i can do
            Is wish you were mine

            There's one more second waiting
            One more second gone
            One more second takes my breath away
            The clock is always busy
            It's hands touch everyone
            But it's a softer touch i'm needing here today

            Light can play tricks
            So can time
            All i can do
            Is wish you were mine.

           

[delb0y]

Hi Vintage

A fine set of lyrics - the pain of the particular situation shines through. Some cracking lines and images in there - the opening verse sets the scene and the sense of what's causing the singer to feel the way he is really well (the tight to the bone line is great).

Chorus says it all in just a few words - brilliant.

The second verse doesn't quite hit the heights - I love the last two lines, but the ones precesing it feel a little too "normal" - thankful for health / musn't grumble / still got a job - it sounds like a person on the street meeting an old cousin and just going through the conversational motions. There's also a tiny bit of self-pity coming through. It all works, and not every verse can be as strong as the others or we'd have no lyrical light and shade.

Last verse is great again - I love the idea of time touching everyone but the narrator needing a soft touch right now. Very good.

Enjoyed them a lot, they are somewhat special, and I hope they help you break out of that prison you've made.

Derek

[PaulAds]

Great to hear from you again...we've missed you.

Good, solid lyric with some great lines...as Del said - that line in particular is almost other-worldly in its excellence...

Best wishes to you and keep them coming, please 

[sparrow]

no comment great write

[tomcrocus]

Hi Vintage,
                man this is so sad,it really tugs at the heartstrings,
I get it from start to finish! I hope you're okay and it's really great
to hear from you again,
                                 best wishes,Tom.

[lillypilly]

Vintage just so good to hear from you again, definitely missed you around here

I get what you are saying from the outset so solid write

best wishes, Lilly

[Vintage54]

   Hello again,

    Surprised by the positive feedback, this was really just a sketch. But hey, i'm not complaining, it feels good to touch someone, thanks for touching me.

                 Big love
                    Vintage54

[Paulski]

Hi Vintage

Welcome back - not the same 'round these parts w'out ya
This is a good write, not one of your most unique, but still hits a lot of buttons.
I couldn't decide if I wanted "life" to play tricks instead of "light" but I suppose both do
The 2nd verse identifies the singer as older than first presented - my sugg would be to end with a modified chorus - "I wish you had been mine". Or not - it's solid as is too.
Third verse is amazing 

Always a treat to read one of yours.
Paul

[Neil C]

Hi great to have you back around.
Liked the lyrics and sentiment. The chorus simple but v string.
Only thought their were rhymes on 3rd and 6th lines of each verse kind of threw me though.
 
Neil

[Oldbutyet]

            Hello again to friends of mine, and also any strangers. Been sometime since i posted, in a prison of my own making, but we won't go there. Just thought i would post this, came pretty quick. Its nothing special, but tell me what you think, i can still take the punches. Its late, so i'll get around to giving my opinion on other peoples work later, those who know me, know i'm good for it.

                         Wish you were mine.

            I wish i'd met someone like you
            All those years ago
            When my skin was still tight to the bone
            I wouldn't have to feel this way
            I wouldn't know the blues
            And i wouldn't have to wake up all alone

            Light can play tricks
            So can time
            All i can do
            Is wish you were mine

            I'm glad that i've still got my health
            I'm glad that i can (still) work
            I'm far from rich but i can't complain
            I'm thankful for the friends i've found
            I'm thankful for the sun
            But when it comes to love all it ever does is rain

            Light can play tricks
            So can time
            All i can do
            Is wish you were mine

            There's one more second waiting
            One more second gone
            One more second takes my breath away
            The clock is always busy
            It's hands touch everyone
            But it's a softer touch i'm needing here today (right now)

            Light can play tricks
            So can time
            All i can do
            Is wish you were mine.

           

One thing about you Vintage when you go on those deep journeys of yours you always come back stronger, made two very small changes just to keep my flow happy    love that line (When my skin was still tight to the bone) its a shame you only use it once great line, kind of a perfect fit if you know what i mean, well at lease years back it was    as always a great write, you have a very true way with words.

Until your next deep journey, enjoy the company of friends 

[igg]

Vintage,

Sorry I haven't commented on your fine work yet...Once again clarity and emotional resonance pour out of your lyrics.....Beautiful..... 
I'm just finishing up a few acoustic guitars before Christmas, so I haven't had a lot of time.....Have a great holiday.....Don't go disappearing on us...I miss your great work!

igg

[josemar]

I think it's really touching, emotive. The hook is succint - to the point.
But I feel, you should replace the sequence of ''I'm glad I've got my health...etc...'' maybe you need to talk more about 'her'? here?

[adamfarr]

Love that chorus - 16 words and the truth... simple phrases and simple words but a really original observation. The softer touch is a killer pay-off as well. I'd say this is admirable wrtiting by any standards.

[Jazzone]

 

Very very nice writing..

Only two points i will discuss while i have time tonight.

The word 'Wish' is a desperate word and the verses are all about
that desperation..

The other half of the chorus line 'you were mine' is the gold, which
in itself creates that boom and clarity! Excellent.

This song is doing it's own work in the natural way you have written it.

There is a natural musical element here without hearing music, because
the speed of the chorus i.e the different meter in the chorus to the verse..

I feel the Chorus and (verse) is 'Speaking' and 'Singing' here..

Thanks for sharing it..     

Jazzone.