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Feel Like This Demo

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exfairy

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« on: December 06, 2016, 11:51:09 AM »
So hi, I'm new to this forum! I've been songwriting since I was 11 (terribly, but songwriting all the same) and I'd like to get some feedback from musicians and other songwriters on my newer songs. The only person I've really had is my friend who's great and all, but not a musician...

Anyway, intro over, link to an unlisted video of my song:

(also subscribe if you fancy? :P )

I know this forum is "works in progress" but I'm not sure on this so I'd like to think it's a work in progress, although it's kind of roughly finished. I apologise for appearance and a few buff notes in the bridge.

This is a little different to my usual style of writing - I've been told that I have a "quirky style" (my music teacher's words, not mine) but I tried going typical and a little cheesy on this and wanted thoughts. Also I haven't written a love song in a while.
I guess this is for now, for personal use until I can make my songwriting in general good enough for a more professional level.
I'd love some feedback on my lyrics, chord patterns and melody (honestly, I just make up the melody as I go along but if you have any other tips on that, much appreciated).

Lyrics:
I see you on a Tuesday morning/ you smile at me from across the room/ my heart is giving me a warning/ but i'm just so intrigued by you
CH: Your smile/ brings butterflies to my heart/ that beats like a ticking clock/ counting down the days till you'll be mine/ you'll be mine/ cos I don't think that I've ever felt like this/ wana know that it's me that you'll miss
Next Friday evening we're now friends/ and I can't imagine this to end/ over a meal you look at me/ and for the first time I feel like somebody
CH
I think I like you/ do you like me too?/ I hope/ you'll choose me (x2)
CH

JHoos

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« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2016, 08:33:59 PM »
Hi,

I just had a listen, and have a few comments:

 - the chord structure is quite classic, so absolutely nothing wrong with that,
 - I quite like the vocal melody that you have come up with for the chorus, particularly the first so many lines.  It sort of feels like there should be another chord added at the end of it for a count of 8 before it goes into the chord run/break at end of the chorus just after 'its me that you'll miss'.  Say something like a D for a count of 8.
 - the overall structure of V1, Ch, V2, bridge and extended chorus to end works well for me, so nothing to change there

I'd say good job, and would be good to hear another version when you've maybe refined it a little, and nailed it a bit more if thats the plan.  Nice voice by the way !

Please note, I'm not a lyrics person, so I haven't commented on those.

Good luck with it, and keep up the good work, would be good to hear some more !

Thanks

John