Sheep (Black and Red)

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adamfarr

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« on: December 05, 2016, 01:22:37 PM »
My creative tank has been dry for a while. And life threw up some stuff. And I also had a birthday that brought me closer to 100 than to zero, which thoughts may be apparent from the offering below. 

Warning: contains loathing and despair!

But being me it also tries to offer a very teeny glimmer of hope of sorts and all the imagination at my disposal.

I'm hoping not too cryptic and someone can find something to relate to. The snowmen line is really hard to scan but I like it too much.


Sheep (Black and Red)

V1
Close your eyes, close your eyes
Learning what to buy, when you should fake a smile
Choose a tribe, choose a tribe
Fantasize, like the king Canut of time

V2
Vote for me, vote for me
Pity celebrities, escaping reality
Go to sleep, go to sleep
You agreed to the terms of your captivity

PRE-CH/BRIDGE
Raised by wolves that told you
The things that you could choose
You had to find out for yourself
That black and red both lose

CH
Do I dare to disobey?
To wake, create and make a change?
Looking for ways of making this life a bit less numb
Than the darkness before
And the nothing to come...

V3
Grow your own, grow your own
Snowmen think sandcastles have no tomorrow
Let me go, let me go
One of us faces the walk upstairs alone

V4
Now you see, now you see
Blossom on the wind is fruit that will never be
Don't you weep, don't you weep
It rains the same on the sheepdog and the sheep

(c) Adam Farr, 2016

Paulski

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« Reply #1 on: December 05, 2016, 08:04:58 PM »
Hey Adam - welcome back  ;D
I liked this - very poetic and thoughtful IMHO.
Now, as a song, I would like to see a tag line and some repetition of phrases so it might need some work there - or not - it's up to you  ;D ;D
Enjoyed the read  ;D
Paul

ScottLevi

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« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2016, 08:57:21 PM »
Hey Adam,

Lovely stuff! Feels like frustration has led you to writing these which is well up my street, comes out raw and honest.

I always find with these it's best to get them down fast before the mood changes, which helps get those subtle things through such as the repeated lines making light of the mundane realities drilled into us.

I like the way you start off setting the scene with 'learning' the way it is, then a kind of realisation brought by the meaninglessness of it all, rebel and then fall into acceptness. Tells a good story plenty of progression.

Aha just realised nothing constructive, but hopefully if anything I mentioned rings true to the intent at least it proves it comes across!

Can't tell if some of the imagery goes over my head. I get the sheep references, but black and red - is that a roulette reference? Are you trying to leave a glimmer of hope in betting on the 0, or dispare that only the minority win?

Not sure what music you've got in mind but I think it would be cool to follow that same structure as the lyrics building up into something quite powerful then coming back down for the last verse as a kinda like outro.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2016, 09:02:25 PM by ScottLevi »

adamfarr

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« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2016, 08:05:07 AM »
Thanks guys -  great to have your encouragement! Black and red is indeed roulette (forgot about the zero!  ;) The idea is that ultimately everyone loses, rulers or the ruled, and the only possible winners are the creators who find some inner meaning... hmmm!

I'd have to agree that it's not very "hooky". That's something to think about. It's quite ballady, so I may crack out the piano for some musical hooks. And some tom toms for the wolves... Could take a few weeks of production.

Thanks for great comments!

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #4 on: December 07, 2016, 06:08:53 PM »
The one thing I have to comment on is the "it rains the same on the sheepdog and the sheep." 

What a perfect line. 

The rest of the song is too deep to digest in one reading.  I'll get back to you.
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

SFX

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« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2016, 08:00:31 AM »
I LOVE THIS

some great lyrics like 'you agreed to the terms of your own captivity' and 'snowmen think sandcastles have no tomorrow' this is great! WELL DONE

PaulAds

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« Reply #6 on: December 08, 2016, 09:28:16 AM »
Great to have you back, Adam  :)

Characteristically thoughtful and intelligent...this is brilliant

My pick of the lines is "the darkness before and the nothing to come"

But it's full of great lines...top job!
heart of stone, feet of clay, knob of butter

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #7 on: December 10, 2016, 04:42:12 PM »
Ditto for me regarding every line everyone else mentioned as being great lines. :)

I really like the introspective nature of the piece as a whole. I really feel the frustration of the controversies all around a person (I read it personally, so for me, "a person" is me) and the inner struggles of dealing with being pulled one way and another, sometimes relentlessly. And I truly appreciate the ray of hopefulness at the end.

I have one little tiny nit with the pre-chorus...it has the word "that" three times. I have a personal bias against using "that" unless absolutely necessary, so I would probably get rid of at least two of them, if possible.

I am very interested in hearing the finished product!

Vicki

adamfarr

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« Reply #8 on: December 11, 2016, 04:06:36 PM »
Thanks everyone! It's great that people have picked out different lines which makes me feel that good things may come from this one.

Hardtwist - perhaps not so great if too deep to be digestible on a first read...! Though that tends to be the way I roll...

Vicky - great spot re the "thats", those things are really hard to self-edit. The first one will be a "who", not sure whether I can eliminate the others but let's see...

Thanks all!

Vintage54

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« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2016, 10:18:50 PM »

  Hi Adam,

     The outstanding lines in this have already been highlighted, so i won't repeat, just concur. Struggling at times to grasp the intended meaning, it's not always glaringly obvious. Like HTW i need to peruse and digest this slowly. The use of a chorus just once is interesting, not come across that before.

                                      Mighty fine though
                                         Vintage54

adamfarr

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« Reply #10 on: December 27, 2016, 09:08:47 AM »
Thanks Vintage - I was going for "less obvious" here but of course that is a hard balance to find. The chorus will definitely return at least at the end!
many thanks for the input.

tomcrocus

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« Reply #11 on: December 31, 2016, 05:09:59 PM »
Hi Adam,
             it's a mighty fine comeback,well worth the wait,
it packs a real punch,it's full of great lines.

"Than the darkness before
and the nothing to come"

I believe in the afterlife but that's by the by,
and what a great ending,
                                  best wishes,Tom.