[Neil C]

Hi,
I know I'm an infrequent visitor to these parts but if anyone would care to cast there eye over these lyrics and provide and feedback and suggestions that would be great.
 
Neil

Icebergs

V1   
I heard both sides of the story
And It added up to a whole
Like ice sheets in the artic
Separating from the fold

C   
She told me in the kitchen
He in the back of his cab
Like icebergs floating in the ocean
They’re drifting apart in the cold

V2   
All that's left is gone
Like gold from an ancient mine
Or an empty deck of cards
They’ve run out of time

C   
She told me in the kitchen
He in the back of his cab
Like icebergs floating in the ocean
They’re drifting apart in the cold

M8   

Hope they hold it together, an outbreak of peace
Separation not desecration, piece by piece

Coz only the lawyers get rich
When he's a bastard and she's a bitch

V3   
I heard both sides of the story
And it just goes to show
She never thought she'd make him leave
He never thought he'd have to go

C   
She told me in the kitchen
He in the back of his cab
Like icebergs floating in the ocean
They’re drifting apart in the cold

N Connor 2016

[Paulski]

Hi Neal

I like it - esp the bastard/bitch line - both to blame!
My suggs would be to drop the "Like a" everywhere you use and remove a word or two to tidy it up.
For example:

V1   
I heard both sides of the story
And It added up to a whole
Ice sheets in the artic
Separating from the fold

C   
She told me in the kitchen
He in the back of his cab
Icebergs floating in the ocean
Drifting apart in the cold

..but that might not fit your music.
Damn good start this 

Paul

[ScottLevi]

Hey Neil

Very nice, caught my eye indeed!

Think Paul's on to something ditching the 'like' - it can be inferred and a little gap could work to good effect, though again don't know how it flows in your head.

Always like the idea of using different words which sound almost the same 'peace' and 'piece' but find it difficult to make sure the listener knows which one I'm using - so good context in the middle 8 think you've avoided that issue well whilst keeping the coolness of it. On that note would he kind of cool of you mislead the listener a little with the first 'piece' before following up with 'by piece' which clears it up - just a thought.

The topic strikes me, a nice comparison with the icebergs and a bit of unenthusiastic hope in the middle eight, kind of like 'yeah would be nice but..'. Is a shame these things often end one-sided even though the drifting apart is mutual.

Glad "Coz only the lawyers get rich, When he's a bastard and she's a bitch" is in the middle 8 cos it's a strong line, and can see it being a focal point in delivery too.

Lots of rambling nothing really constructive sorry aha, they just got me thinking so that's some reassurance that they've got some power behind them at least? xD

[Neil C]

Paul,
Thanks and good spot. The verses are quite short and do need enough words to support the music so I'll drop first one and change second to they're.

ScottLevi,
Helpful rambling is good  . This is based on a real couple I know and fortunately they're being sensible but the middle section is about hoping they continue in that vein.

I was a bit worried that V2 was not thematically aligned to v1 or v3 but no ones mentioned it so assume ok.
 
Neil

[Vintage54]

   Hello again old friend,
      Been too long on my part. To the lyric, kicks off really well, the assonance of whole/fold works really well. But to this stickler, the lack of rhyme in the chorus kills the flow, (sorry paulski) I also struggled with "empty deck of cards" How does a pack of cards become empty? or am i missing the obvious? Have they played all their aces, is that what you mean? Sorry for focusing on what i see as negatives, because overall, it's pretty decent.

                         Vintage54

[tomcrocus]

Hi Neil,
          i resonate Paul's suggestions about the "likes" but i see
you've rectified it.The bastard/bitch line top notch.
It's great to see you posting lyrics and knowing how good a musician
you are i'm sure you can turn this into something really nice,
                                                                                    best wishes,Tom.