New lyric . . . would love some critical direction.

  • 8 Replies
  • 1885 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

hardtwistmusic

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3037
  • Central Oregon Sunset
« on: December 04, 2016, 04:06:38 PM »
Not really sure if this "goes anywhere" meaningful or not.  It's too new for me to evaluate.  I'm hoping that someone here can short cut the process for me and give me some advance warning about parts (or the whole) that doesn't work.  

It will take me weeks to get objective enough to evaluate it myself.  

And if anyone likes it, feel free to check in with me about adding music.  I do have melodic ideas for the chorus, but not the verses.  To be more accurate. . . my current melodic understanding of the verses would be plagiaristic. . . so a fresh look at them would help a lot.  

Telling Me True

VERSE:  
Were you telling me true when you said “I love you”
in Wyoming?
With your heart on the shelf, did you lie to yourself
About me?  
You know what to do.    You’re the one who
should be telling me true.

CHORUS
Listen!   –  Can you hear?  
I’ve been trying to say I can’t stay through this terrible fear.  
Hey, I’m begging you.  –  Right now, I’m begging you.  
Just this once my darling could you tell me true?  


VERSE:  
You’ve been wanting to go,     –   though you hope I don’t know
that you’re leaving.  
You were lying to me     –   Tryin to cut yourself free
from my love.
You should try something new.  
Start telling me true.  How you feel.  

CHORUS:  
I Got questions in my mind.  
If I stay with you… I’ll never know what I’ll find.  
Hey, I’m begging you.   Now Babe, I’m begging you.  
Just one time my darling could you tell me true?  
 

Needs a musical bridge here.

VERSE:  
You don’t want to stay but you’re frightened to stray  
to the deep end.  
I’m enabling you to hide what you do
from the world.  
Gaining freedom from you is all I can do, (still not totally right) 
And that’s telling it true.  

CHORUS:  
Heaven!    –    Isn’t here.    
It is light years away from everything I hold dear?
Girl, it’s too late now.    –  Girl, it’s too late now.    
Too late now my darling to tell me true.  
 
« Last Edit: December 05, 2016, 08:54:04 AM by hardtwistmusic »
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

CaliaMoko

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3687
  • Strumming on the couch in pigtails
    • Late Bloomers Rock
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2016, 04:31:19 PM »
This has a wonderful rhythm to it and a lot of strong lyric lines.

I have some ideas for a couple lines that may or may not help.

Were you telling me true when you said “I love you”
that fine morning?

I like the first part, but "that fine morning" feels weak to me. I like "at the start", but I think it might not be much stronger. I wonder if a more specific statement would work? Something like "just last summer" or "back in Texas"....??

I have a bias against calling women "girl" or men "boy" in songs. It's okay if they're teenagers, but these two sound older than that. Just my personal bias....

You were lying to me     –   Tryin to get yourself free
Could this be "Tryin to cut yourself free" or "Tryin to break yourself free"?

I think this part is my favorite:
I’m enabling you to hide what you do
from the world.


And I know what to do. Gain my freedom from you.
Seems like there should be a better way to say "Gain my freedom from you," but I can't think what it might be. "Break away from you"? "Walk away from you"?

Well, as you know, these are just my opinions. If anything is helpful, feel free to use it. Otherwise, trash it.  ;D

Good luck with it and I hope to hear it eventually!
Vicki

Oldbutyet

  • *
  • Guest
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2016, 09:46:57 PM »
Theres something about the way you write lyric lines Verlon, each line is a chapter and the way you write makes it real, just to let you know the imagery has drawn me in, had a late but very enjoyable late night and now im relaxing within the comforts of your lyrics, good to read that Neil has taken on the Cougar and the Hounds of Hell, looking forward to hearing  8)

Im a great believer that lyrics can go musically many ways so if you dont mind i like to let my fingers loose and see what we can come up with, hopefully will send you something in the next few days.

As always a great ambassador to the lyric forum, talk soon.

hardtwistmusic

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3037
  • Central Oregon Sunset
« Reply #3 on: December 05, 2016, 08:32:25 AM »

Im a great believer that lyrics can go musically many ways so if you dont mind i like to let my fingers loose and see what we can come up with, hopefully will send you something in the next few days.


Go for it.   If you want some input on the chorus cadence, let me know.  But feel free to go in your own direction.  Also. . . feel free to make the lyric fit your music . . . do what you wish with the lyric too. 
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

diademgrove

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 2134
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2016, 03:02:46 PM »
Hi Verlon,

I see the second and third lines of the verses playing an important part of the song. So I'd like the line to have the same number of syllables to underline their importance. As you've written it the 2nd line has 4 syllables and the third three. If you're not careful the third line could drag the mood of the verse down. Whereas the theme of the song is you've realised you've been lied to and are going to do something about it.

Same with the first line of the second chorus. For me it should be the same basic structure, especially if you change the words.

Finally, I agree with Vicki about using the word girl to describe a woman. I think but would be a better word. It underlines the finality of your decision.

Feel free to take what you want and ignore the rest.

Looking forward to Oldbutyet's contribution if it comes off. Perhaps you might like to put your words up on the collaboration league thread  http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/index.php?topic=11878.0

As always you've left me with some great images.

Keith
« Last Edit: December 06, 2016, 03:20:45 PM by diademgrove »

Paulski

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 4417
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2016, 08:11:11 PM »
Hi Verlon

I think this one flirts a bit too much with the cliché for me.
Having said that, it reminds me of the Beatles' "Love me Do" so I guess it's just me.
If it were mine, I would put some more meat on the bone - is there more to the story?

good luck!
Paul

hardtwistmusic

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3037
  • Central Oregon Sunset
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2016, 11:24:37 PM »
This has a wonderful rhythm to it and a lot of strong lyric lines.

I have some ideas for a couple lines that may or may not help.

Were you telling me true when you said “I love you”
that fine morning?

I like the first part, but "that fine morning" feels weak to me. I like "at the start", but I think it might not be much stronger. I wonder if a more specific statement would work? Something like "just last summer" or "back in Texas"....??

I have a bias against calling women "girl" or men "boy" in songs. It's okay if they're teenagers, but these two sound older than that. Just my personal bias....

You were lying to me     –   Tryin to get yourself free
Could this be "Tryin to cut yourself free" or "Tryin to break yourself free"?

I think this part is my favorite:
I’m enabling you to hide what you do
from the world.


And I know what to do. Gain my freedom from you.
Seems like there should be a better way to say "Gain my freedom from you," but I can't think what it might be. "Break away from you"? "Walk away from you"?

Well, as you know, these are just my opinions. If anything is helpful, feel free to use it. Otherwise, trash it.  ;D

Good luck with it and I hope to hear it eventually!
Vicki

Note that I took as many of your bits of advice as I could  --  changed the lyric to include them. 

It made a better lyric.  Thank  you.
www.reverbnation.com/hardtwistmusicsongwriter

Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

adamfarr

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3166
    • SongEspresso
« Reply #7 on: December 08, 2016, 07:44:33 AM »
Hi Verlon
I really like this take on his mental process. I also like the way you don't write too 'straight', but already with some phrasing and inflections.

My couple of suggestions would be:

- can you end each verse with 'telling me true' - I don't think v2 really gains anything from breaking that pattern
- is there a more compelling word for 'terrible' as in terrible fear? Not sure whether I have one of course ,- something along the lines of corrosive, nauseous - something to convey more specifically how he feels?

Just some thoughts!

Neil C

  • *
  • Stadium Tour
  • *****
  • Posts: 3970
« Reply #8 on: December 08, 2016, 07:52:55 AM »
Verlon, I like the rhyming, very musical feeling.
Only thought would be replace stray with dive into the deep. Sounds more impactful imho.
 :)
Neil
songwriter of no repute..