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Is That Blue Enough For You?

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PopTodd

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« on: December 02, 2016, 03:16:16 PM »
That songs with colors in their title thread made me realize that I never wrote one. So, I thought that I would give it a shot.
Of course, I gravitate to the most-cliche color that there is for a song, but the phrase that I came to seemed to lend itself to a very-country-ish lyric. Looking for a bit of feedback.
Thanks!

Is That Blue Enough For You?

1.
Found myself in bed
Searching for a clue
What could I have done better?
Tell me what did I do
Wishing for an ending
Just tell me that it’s through
Now tell me, can you tell me
Am I blue enough for you?

2.
Dragging through the hours
But flying through the days
Can’t see what’s in front of me
Can’t see through the haze
Through the blur of my teardrops
I just keep hitting “snooze”
Nothing matters anymore
Am I blue enough for you?

Is that blue enough for you?
Is that blue enough for you?
Is it something I did
That made you do what you do?
So, I got what I deserved
Is that blue enough for you?

Bridge:
All the colors of the rainbow have vanished, save one
It’s the color of my sadness
And it’s only just begun

(solo)

3.
I’m not trying any harder
I’m not trying anymore
I’m not gonna leave my bedroom
Won’t even open up that door
Now I got what I deserved, I guess
You took away everything that I knew
So now, tell me, just tell me
Am I blue enough for you?

Is that blue enough for you?
Is that blue enough for you?
Is it something I did
That made you do what you do?
So, I got what I deserved
Am I blue enough for you?


©2016 Todd Leiter-Weintraub
« Last Edit: January 03, 2017, 01:18:05 AM by PopTodd »

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: December 02, 2016, 05:03:53 PM »
First, it makes me want to hear it. I don't get a melody idea right away, and I am torn between thinking it should be an upbeat country rock or more of a sad, melancholy country ballad. Probably the second, but I keep thinking, maybe not....

Coupla nits:

1. "Little darling" seems too, I don't know, overdone? Or maybe it's just me, and it's only ever been used in one song before.

2. The lines: "Is it something I did  / That made you do what you do?" don't feel quite right to me. Grammatically, it seems like it should say "...made you do what you did" but, of course, that won't work. So I don't know. Maybe it's just me.

3. The line: "So, I got what I deserved" implies the protagonist knows he really did do something wrong, therefore, he got what he deserved. However, it seems to me, he doesn't really know that and he's wondering if, in fact, he did. So I wonder if it would work for that line to say, "Did I get what I deserved?" or something like that.

That's what I think, and it's all just my opinion. If you don't agree, no worries.  :)

Vicki

PopTodd

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« Reply #2 on: December 02, 2016, 05:08:02 PM »
No, all are good observations and suggestions.
I have actually already made a couple of edits (mostly for flow) before you even posted in here, but I haven't put up my changes, yet.
I agree with you about "little darlin'" but it kinda feels right in the context of the song. Nonetheless, I am going to try to see if I can find some alternate phrase there, as it's ubiquity does, in fact, make it feel like a placeholder.

Thanks so much.

Paulski

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« Reply #3 on: December 02, 2016, 07:53:26 PM »
Good stuff Pop and glad to hear you were prompted by the other thread  ;D
I would change the title to "Am I Blue Enough for You".
This popped into my head - keep or sweep as they say..

Quote
Won't you let me turn the page?
Let me be another shade
All I need for you to say (is)
That I'm blue enough for you

nice work regardless
Paul

PopTodd

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« Reply #4 on: December 02, 2016, 08:18:31 PM »
Good stuff Pop and glad to hear you were prompted by the other thread  ;D
I would change the title to "Am I Blue Enough for You".
This popped into my head - keep or sweep as they say..

Quote
Won't you let me turn the page?
Let me be another shade
All I need for you to say (is)
That I'm blue enough for you
Sounds like a nice bridge.
And, thanks!

PaulAds

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« Reply #5 on: December 08, 2016, 09:37:55 AM »
I really like this one...I think it'll make a great song...

the lyric rolls out effortlessly and the hook is brilliant

VERY good  :)
heart of stone, feet of clay, knob of butter

Vintage54

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« Reply #6 on: December 24, 2016, 10:26:35 PM »

    Hi Todd,
       Like this, like the simplicity. In my opinion, simple songs are harder to pull off than their more complicated cousins. Hank Williams was the master. I really don't have any suggestions to improve this, it's fine as it is, except the "why" before teardrops doesn't need to be there.

                             Good write
                                Vintage54

Vintage54

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« Reply #7 on: December 24, 2016, 10:29:12 PM »

     Sorry Todd,
       Of course that should have been "my" not "why" I do apologise.

                            Vintage54

adamfarr

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« Reply #8 on: January 02, 2017, 10:11:27 PM »
It's a great song concept and nothing seems forced (though I bet it took some effort to sound so effortless).

'I just keep hitting “snooze”' is a great line, I love lines like that that sum it all up.

PopTodd

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« Reply #9 on: January 03, 2017, 02:49:56 AM »
Thanks Adam!
I was just playing around with this tonight and I think that I figured out that it wants to be a 12-bar. Writing melodies for 12-bars is tough because they tend to all fall into a pattern. Gotta try to break out of that, though.
And, being that this is going to probably be a 12-bar, if it is, I think that bridge needs to go away.
That's probably okay though, as I think that was pretty much the weakest part of the lyric anyway.

Oh yeah.
And...
12-bar.