[jacksimmons]

Yet another song from my concept album/musical WIP. I have bigger issues with this one than the last two I posted, so I'm hoping you guys can do what you do best and help me out. I'm mainly concerned about the chorus. The effect I am going for is that of a crowd singing in unison, or a sort of makeshift choir, but I'm not sure whether it's worked here and I think the track may be a bit busy for it. Please let me know what you think. Thanks in advance!

https://soundcloud.com/jack-simmons-1/caseys-travels-bounce-1

Lyrics:

[[Narrator]]

Casey’s packing up a bag of the Mayor’s things, some she’s never seen before
And Susie Slayer leads her out to a courtyard for horses with antennae
And if things should go from bad to worse she’ll have her android running just beside her
And Susie Slayer’s got a gun longer than little Casey’s arm

[[Casey]]

Oh, I don’t know if I can tell one alien field from any other
And like nativity I follow the biggest, brightest star
Till V1 explains to me: “That’s a spaceship, not a star.”

Flying through the
New October
Piles of clothes
In flat cornfields

I saw a policeman in a humanizing call to his sister in Baghdad (We’ve still got Baghdad)
I saw an old Catholic Priest offering Baptism for scraps of bread
I saw a serpent in the sky curling with jets of black smoke behind
And I thought: “Close your eyes and think of home,
And then everything will be okay.
But Susie’s rattled breathing
Pulled me away.”

Flying through the
New October
Piles of clothes
In flat cornfields

[mickyplankton]

Hi Jack. ive listened to this twice now and I reckon I will need to listen to it a few more times to fully appreciate the richness of the creativity on display here. The lyrics and music show you to have a wonderful and playful imagination. I will appraise it fully in due course. It's a cracker though. I can tell you that right now.  Cheers Micky.

[Max Adam]

Hi - I've listened the song. I'm sorry for my English, i'm from Chile. I really like the verse, really expressive, and has a sweet melody that it's in coherence whit musical arrangements. A very creative work.

[fischermans]

Hello
I like this song but missing a bit a stronger chorus and don't like the drum set is running from beginning to end.
Anyway well done very pleasing to the ears.
Alexander

[ScottLevi]

Oh Jacky boy, you are impressive. Album's really taking shape and you're maintaining that high level of your first entry I loved so much.

'Choir' effect in the chorus sounds wonderful to my ears, digging how it drops out into that mad guitar too.

Kudos to yourself and your sister on some really great and unique vocal work. “That’s a spaceship, not a star.”  is my fave xD

[Yodasdad]

Works for me, really nice sound. The choir/chorus sounds good to my ears. Some really creative melody and harmony, here well done.

The only thing I would alter is the main drum track which sounds a little Samuel and static for the song.

Yodasdad

[jacksimmons]

Hi Jack. ive listened to this twice now and I reckon I will need to listen to it a few more times to fully appreciate the richness of the creativity on display here. The lyrics and music show you to have a wonderful and playful imagination. I will appraise it fully in due course. It's a cracker though. I can tell you that right now.  Cheers Micky.

Awesome first impression, though! Thanks for your comments and I await your return. Thanks Micky mate.

Hi - I've listened the song. I'm sorry for my English, i'm from Chile. I really like the verse, really expressive, and has a sweet melody that it's in coherence whit musical arrangements. A very creative work.

Thanks a lot Max! I'm glad you liked it. PS - Your English is great, don't worry.

Hello
I like this song but missing a bit a stronger chorus and don't like the drum set is running from beginning to end.
Anyway well done very pleasing to the ears.
Alexander

Works for me, really nice sound. The choir/chorus sounds good to my ears. Some really creative melody and harmony, here well done.

The only thing I would alter is the main drum track which sounds a little Samuel and static for the song.

Yodasdad

Thanks for your feedback, guys. The slightly static drum track was a stylistic choice. I was hoping it gave it that sort of travelling song chug you hear on tracks like Paul Simon's Graceland. Maybe I didn't hit the mark...

Oh Jacky boy, you are impressive. Album's really taking shape and you're maintaining that high level of your first entry I loved so much.

'Choir' effect in the chorus sounds wonderful to my ears, digging how it drops out into that mad guitar too.

Kudos to yourself and your sister on some really great and unique vocal work. “That’s a spaceship, not a star.”  is my fave xD

Oh Scotty pal, thank you very much. The spaceship line is probably my favourite too. I'm glad you think the vocals on the chorus work. I'm really killing myself over them at the moment.

Thanks for listening everyone! I'm still working on this one so all feedback is priceless.

[Skub]

Marvellous.

A vaccine from normal,with added melody. I anticipate the finished result,the tasters are just fine. 

[tina m]

jack this is magically musical as always & so scifi ...its like andrew lloyd webber is the new Doctor Who I think!
lyrically its impossible to follow without knowing more about the story & whats going on in this part ..plus my brain just cant do without rhymes so I feel a bit excluded there which is  a shame
the choir sounded pretty good to me ,tho it all sounds a right so & so to mix with so much going on.... you do make life dificult for yourself!
lovely vocal melodies as usual so light & airy like youve sprayed them with fabric softener
& it all sounds quite delightful .. I like the way you always put a little guitar break in I always look forward to those
i think it needs a brass band & a bohemian rhapsody operatic bit to realy do it justice ...only kidding 

[TheButcher]

GREAT SONG - bad mix and drum section

The whole song is missing low end. Add some low frequencies to bass and bass drum, or make them louder. And improve the vocal mix; brighten them up; louder ! more hit´gh frequencies.
the drum section and the whole instrumental need breaks, break downs, taking instruments away and introducing them again. dynamics in terms of the mix and arrangement!!

such a great song that needs so much more work

i think it s at 35 % at the moment.

a lot of work

playful, creative, fun, beautiful and absolutely not finished yet.

I could give it a try if u want to. PM me if you re interested.

B

[jacksimmons]

jack this is magically musical as always & so scifi ...its like andrew lloyd webber is the new Doctor Who I think!
lyrically its impossible to follow without knowing more about the story & whats going on in this part ..plus my brain just cant do without rhymes so I feel a bit excluded there which is  a shame
the choir sounded pretty good to me ,tho it all sounds a right so & so to mix with so much going on.... you do make life dificult for yourself!
lovely vocal melodies as usual so light & airy like youve sprayed them with fabric softener
& it all sounds quite delightful .. I like the way you always put a little guitar break in I always look forward to those
i think it needs a brass band & a bohemian rhapsody operatic bit to realy do it justice ...only kidding 

Thanks a lot Tina! I can appreciate it's probably a load of gibberish when it's apart from the rest of the story/album ahaha. Thanks for your feedback, I'll get on to that brass band...

Marvellous.

A vaccine from normal,with added melody. I anticipate the finished result,the tasters are just fine. 

Thanks Skub!

GREAT SONG - bad mix and drum section

The whole song is missing low end. Add some low frequencies to bass and bass drum, or make them louder. And improve the vocal mix; brighten them up; louder ! more hit´gh frequencies.
the drum section and the whole instrumental need breaks, break downs, taking instruments away and introducing them again. dynamics in terms of the mix and arrangement!!

such a great song that needs so much more work

i think it s at 35 % at the moment.

a lot of work

playful, creative, fun, beautiful and absolutely not finished yet.

I could give it a try if u want to. PM me if you re interested.

B

Wow, the butcher indeed. Thanks for your honesty. I'm glad you liked the song. I'm still very new to the production side of things. I would love for you to have a go at mixing this yourself, that would be ideal. And then maybe you can do the whole album?  In all seriousness though, I'll PM you.

[MartynRich]

Well this is a jaunty little thing isn't it? I loved the feel and the beat, it gives off a really happy vibe...and the lyrics are very different from the normal stuff most people put out.

Good use of both voices although I thought they could have been higher in the mix...I had to struggle to hear them a bit. You can tell its a concept song, the whole thing could have been written for a musical or the stage. I like it though...its a lot of fun.

[jacksimmons]

Well this is a jaunty little thing isn't it? I loved the feel and the beat, it gives off a really happy vibe...and the lyrics are very different from the normal stuff most people put out.

Good use of both voices although I thought they could have been higher in the mix...I had to struggle to hear them a bit. You can tell its a concept song, the whole thing could have been written for a musical or the stage. I like it though...its a lot of fun.

Thanks a lot Martyn! I think you're right about the vocals being too quiet. I'm glad you liked the song though. Cheers for the feedback.

[mickyplankton]

Hi Jack. Came back for another listen. There's enough ideas in here for 2 or 3 songs. Still hard to appraise as a standalone song as i appreciate it sits within a larger story. If you are still looking for constructive feedback I would say that the opening vocals and melody are so strong it's slightly disappointing the "narrator" male vocal does not return later in the song. The melody justifies a return later in the song and wouldn't outstay ts welcome with a repeat. The instrumental bridge around the 2 minute mark is too short to make much of an impression and you should consider dropping it completely or working on it a bit more.
Hope this is useful. Cheers Micky

[Morefrog Jones]

Clever stuff - nice sounds - sounds like an interesting project.