I recommend:
1. Organize your idea/story line and divide it into verses. You've kind of done this...at least organized your idea somewhat, but your song structure could use work. Of course, that depends a bit on what kind of rhythm and song structure you plan to use. I'll come back to this below.
2. Spend some time looking around the forum before getting too carried away posting. Listen to some posts by others who've been here awhile and provide your reactions to a few of them. It's okay if you don't have a lot of experience. You know what you like and probably why.
3. Read the guidelines so you know how the forum works (for instance, providing feedback is the "currency" of the forum--you "buy" your feedback from others by providing some yourself).
Okay, now back to #1. Based on what I'm reading in your post, your story line goes a bit like this:
Verse 1: My life was good; I had the one I love
Verse 2: I had a girlfriend, but I screwed up, so now she barely speaks to me
Verse 3: Since I lost the one I love, I've indulged in self-destructive behaviors because I just don't care anymore.
Does that sound about right?
Now, my advice for a beginning song writer (not that I'm any great shakes myself, but I do have opinions!
) is to stick to a more-or-less standard structure in the beginning. One common song structure is:
Verse 1
Chorus
Verse 2
Chorus
Bridge
Chorus
And maybe another repeat of the chorus
Then--a hook is also strongly recommended, and the chorus is a good place to put it. For instance, your hook could be "I screwed up!" So come up with your hook and get your chorus more or less pulled together. For example, you might end up with a chorus like this:
I screwed up!
I had the one I wanted but -- I screwed up!
I'm so despondent cuz -- I screwed up!
I can't believe I lost the one I love.
Then write your verses. I would save the "I lost the girl I love" for the second verse and focus on how life was before you screwed up for your first verse. In your second verse you can talk about how you screwed up and lost her, and the bridge can be how wretched your life is now. Or if you don't want to mess with a bridge for your first attempt, just write a third verse.
If you're struggling with how to write the verses, come up with a structure first...say, four rhythmic lines, maybe rhyming the 1st and 2nd lines and rhyming the 3rd and 4th lines. One of many ways it can be done. You could do it some other way, but it might help to choose a format and then stick with it, give you a framework within which to work.
I hope this helps!
Vicki
