[Skub]

Hi Bill.
Kinda Bowie flavour of around the 'Man who sold the world' era,before he went Ziggy. Like Monty,I thought I heard a few timing issues,but not major.

I liked your vocals,they got the purposeful lyric across well.

The only thing I would try to do would be to edit the length a little,but that may not be a concern for you.

A good listen,ta for posting. 

[Boydie]

I personally found the sections a little too different - I think establishing a common "back bone" for the track would give you something to hang everything else on - eg the bass seemed to almost disappear in some sections

The song itself is great and the whole concept is going in the right direction - it just needs putting together in a more consistent package IMHO

[ScottLevi]

Hey Bill,

Don't knows how I missed this, bloody tune!

The base at the start got me going and thought it was great how you capture the impact of the lyrics in the first verse.

The chorus felt a little underwhelming at first - nice melody but didn't carry what I liked about the first verse. However, when chorus 2 came in it all made sense and the payoff was great when 'jumping' back in. Same again with the Middle 8, made me really appreciate the contrast and changed my initial thoughts re the chorus. Perhaps Boydie is right though and a little more continuity could help stop that initial discontent.

Really impacting music, and when coupled with lyrics to match what a great recipe!

[adamfarr]

Hi there - nice work. I think the song is well written, and the guitar solos stand out.

I'd agree that perhaps the chorus isn't 100% catchy - perhaps it's just a bit long - could it work divided into two and have a repeat of the title somewhere? (Though I'm sure major surgery is not where you want to go with this!)

I think I would have tried swapping the feel around - perhaps the airier synth sound for the verse and the crunchy guitar sound to pick it up for the chorus?

Anyhow, definitely some great ideas going on here.

[Bill Saunders]

Thanks once again folks for all your replies and insight. The consensus is that I am on to something, the verses are good, but the chorus is a little underwhelming and the crunching rhythm guitar should perhaps persist throughout. I was never sure about the synth sound.

I am going to attempt what I never try to do, and surgically change it - keep the verses as they are, keep the lead guitar, ditch the keyboards, and rewrite the chorus melody and structure.

This is much harder for me than writing a new song from scratch, but I feel the core of this song is quite good, and I want to give it a go.

[Boydie]

Good songs are written but GREAT songs are re-written

I think it will be a worthwhile exercise

[Bill Saunders]

Good songs are written but GREAT songs are re-written

I think it will be a worthwhile exercise

Thanks for your encouragement Boydie, it means a lot.

[Wolfini]

Hey Bill!

Interesting lyrics. I like how you brought your message across without being too obvious about it. I don't know if those recruiters would say "until the bitter end" though... or is this an actual quote your son told you about?

From a production point of view everything sounded very dry to me. If it was my song I would pour a bucket of reverb over the whole thing, but that may be a matter of taste. ;-)

Bye Wolfi