[jacksimmons]

I'm working on a concept album about a little girl who is hit by a car, goes in to a coma and awakes many years later to find that Earth has been assimilated into a galactic supercovenant of alien worlds - sort of like Halo but more camp. This is the song where the girl, Casey, discovers that Sussex is not how she left it...

This was written by me but is sung by my sister, who plays the lead character and a couple of the other female characters in the story. As it stands, this is still a rough mix but all the basic components are there.

Any feedback is greatly, greatly appreciated. I'm still quite new to the production side of things. Thanks in advance!

https://soundcloud.com/jack-simmons-1/weird-wacky-world-bounce-1

Lyrics:

To wake up in a weird and wacky world
Where all the streets are dead
Messes with your head, Oh, I don’t know
Where to go or what to do with myself!

And everything is flat in the distance
Where once a city was, is just the fuzz of smoke
The trees are red and blue and the sky a tattered green
This is not the world I left behind

I’m scared
In this world of new horizons
There’s nothing old, nothing to call my own
I’m scared
‘cause there’s nothing left for me

To wake up in a weird and wacky world
With both your parents gone
And creatures all around you never knew
In the world before, makes a little girl uneased
I’m begging for a friend please!

I’m scared
In this world of new horizons
There’s nothing old, nothing to call my own
I’m scared
‘cause there’s nothing left for me
Scared! Scared!
‘cause there’s nothing left for me

[Hooded Singer]

Your sister is a good singer.

The lyrics come across very well as a musical, if that's the feel you were going for.

[tina m]

I thought this was fabulous jack ...you have a lot of talent ...i was getting hints of kate bush & queen as I listened both of whom are very theatrical like your ideas for this story..
your sister has a perfect voice for this & it all sounds very well recorded..
the only thing I think could be better is the chorus where I think better harmonies would realy improve it ...the backing vocals didnt work as well as they could
very tasteful guitar parts aswell ..it sounded like it belonged in a west end musical & was very impressive

[CaliaMoko]

I like this lot and I have one suggestion for improvement in presentation:

In the line "There’s nothing old, nothing to call my own", the second "nothing" is pronounced with the emphasis on the second syllable which, in my opinion, weakens the thought. It would be easy to make the small change to move the emphasis to the first syllable and make it NOthing and strengthen the line.

In any case, this is a quality piece. 

Vicki

[jacksimmons]

Thank you very much for your feedback guys. I'm glad you liked the tune. @Tinam - I'll be getting on those chorus harmonies and changing up the backing vocals for an alternate version ASAP and seeing what works the best.

As for your suggestion CaliaMoko - I understand what you're saying about the stress being in a weird place, but I'm wondering how I can change that without changing the vocal melody, or the rhythm of the vocal melody? I've tried singing it a few different ways and it feels much less natural. Maybe you could show me what you mean

[CaliaMoko]

As for your suggestion CaliaMoko - I understand what you're saying about the stress being in a weird place, but I'm wondering how I can change that without changing the vocal melody, or the rhythm of the vocal melody? I've tried singing it a few different ways and it feels much less natural. Maybe you could show me what you mean Smiley

Sure, Jack! Here's the line reflecting my suggestion:
https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/nothing-old/s-tDwy4

[shadowfax]

this is fine work, the female vocal sounds excellent, as is is fine by me..no crits at all!!

super track..

[jacksimmons]

Sure, Jack! Here's the line reflecting my suggestion:
https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/nothing-old/s-tDwy4

Ah thanks Calia, this makes a lot of sense! Funny how I couldn't work that out for myself. Proof of the value of some outside ears.

And thankyou Shadowfax! So glad you liked it.

[CaliaMoko]

You're welcome. My privilege to be of assistance.

[AnitaFox]

Hi Jack,

I think it all works well.  It sounds very musical theatre to me too, not sure if that's what you were going for.
Your sister had a beautiful voice.

Cheers
A

[Movin Flavour]

Lovely tune.....definitely hear those hints of early Kate Bush.

Would love to hear other songs from the concept album.

Could imagine this within a musical.

Your sister has a lovely voice....like the harmony

Sandeep

[jacksimmons]

I think it all works well.  It sounds very musical theatre to me too, not sure if that's what you were going for.
Your sister had a beautiful voice.

Thank you! Musical theatre is exactly what I was going for with this one. I will pass on your kind words.

Lovely tune.....definitely hear those hints of early Kate Bush.

Would love to hear other songs from the concept album.

Could imagine this within a musical.

Your sister has a lovely voice....like the harmony

Sandeep

Hi Sandeep. Interesting about the Kate Bush vibes, it wasn't something that was intentional. I am a fan, but I've never attempted to emulate her. I have always considered Bush to be very theatrical, in a musical theatre sort of way, so I can definitely understand the comparison now I stop and think.

I have about 7 songs from the album in various stages of completion at the moment. I do plan on posting more songs here in the future. It's going to be a long process but I will let you know when the whole thing is finished if you like.

[hardtwistmusic]

I was very impressed with the lyric (which is actually all that I understand about songs anyway) but when I went to listen, I got a "private - no access" message.

I think that means you have to have a soundcloud account in order to listen until you re-set the parameters and make it "public."  I'd love to have a listen. 

[jacksimmons]

I was very impressed with the lyric (which is actually all that I understand about songs anyway) but when I went to listen, I got a "private - no access" message.

Ah yes sorry - the track was set to Private. It should work now. Glad you like the lyrics!

[pompeyjazz]

This is very good Jack. Very well put together. The female vocals are divine. You have clever arrangement and have obviously taken a lot of time to work all of this out. The BV's are very clever, reminiscent of Queen as is some of the arrangement. Fabulous piece of work. Very Well done

John
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