[CaliaMoko]

I thought I posted this once already and tried to review the thread, but I can't find it on any board at all, no matter how I search, so maybe I dreamed it. Therefore, here it is now for real. If I did post it before, I'd be grateful if someone would post a link to it, since I can't find it.

The lyric was written as an assignment for a songwriting course. The first part is a translation of an old haiku, which is now in the public domain, and the second part is a verse I added in an attempt to continue the idea.

I'm hoping to get some insight as to whether the second part of the lyric works as is or if I should maybe go in a different direction, at least slightly. Also, would it benefit from being made into a more typical song structure, such as Verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus. Or maybe verse, verse, bridge, verse. Or something like that? At present it doesn't have many words; it feels more like a kind of tone poem to me. And short. It's only 1:19 minutes long, so it might be okay for a commercial but, I would think, too short for a "real" song.

So, my questions are:
1. Does the second verse work okay with the first verse, or does it need tweaking? Or a total rewrite?
2. Would it be sufficient merely to add a third verse, or would it be better to restructure it in a more typical way?
3. And, of course, any other feedback would be wonderful, as well.

FROM DARK WINDY HILLS

From dark windy hills, voices driving weary horses.
From dark windy hills, voices driving weary horses.
Shouting of the storm.
From dark windy hills, voices driving weary horses.
Shouting of the storm, of the storm.

I wander the world looking for a loving haven.
I wander the world looking for a loving haven.
Searching for a light.
I wander the world looking for a loving haven.
Searching for a light. Searching for a light.

[ScottLevi]

Hey Vicki,

I looked at this form two angles, then contradicted myself between and within, so make of it what you will aha.

I've also played the devils advocate a little, because I'm sure you'll enjoy hearing that view as you're strict on yourself.

Before Listening, so looking at it as more of a poem than a song:

From reading the second verse, I didn't think they quite matched up enough. I thought if there's only two verses, they need to be pretty similar and was looking for a comma in the first two lines of second same as the first. Maybe if a third verse is added in you could get away with this a little easier.

The first verse has that drilled imagery, of the wind and horses mention in the first two lines being 'summed up' as a 'shout' in the third (then same with 4th and 5th) I can see you've been clever with the second verse and brought sight into the equation to match the sound explored in the first, but being the devil's advocate I'd say ideally you'd describe something you'd see (rather than an action) then use a simile in the third. Though countering my own point the switch from observation to action helps create some forward motion so has merits of it's own.

So end thoughts I guess are; with only two verses I'd like to see them marry up a little more. Despite that, I think it would be fine if you added a third, though that brings the challenge of continuing the sensory theme (smell, feel?).

EDIT: Maybe instead of a third verse, create a bridge between the two? That way you could avoid trying to stick rigidly to the structure of the verses and bring some context to the forward motion in the second

Listening with the music, so as a song:

As a song I don't see the things I mentioned about marrying up the verses as much, the execution and rhythm is consistent so adds that extra layer of continuity I was looking for.

Really dig how you do the third line especially for both, shines really nicely.

I quite enjoyed the music for the first verse, but was knocked back when the second verse started. Not sure what's happened there but think the instrumental needs a little work after the 45 second mark.

___

To try and answer your questions, I think with only two verses that the second does need tweaking. That said, 'merely' adding a third verse or bridge could well make the second feel more at home without changes.

My advice would be to have a go at writing a third/bridge and see how it comes out.

Hope this helps,
Scott.

[thathairybloke]

I enjoyed the song. Fast folk, kind-of! I don't think it needs more lyrics, actually. It works as a piece on its own. My only comment would be that I think (fairly sure) your recording of the guitar part is clipping slightly; so maybe back off the record level on that part. That'd be it really.

Good show!

[hardtwistmusic]

I think I remember this being posted before also. 

Anyway. . .  It's really more poetic than lyrical. . . but with the right music it would come alive. 

[Oldbutyet]

It sounds to me Vicki that you're coming in to soon with the lyrics, play all the chords through keeping it the way you have now with that very exciting drum beat, then brings in the first verse ending the first verse with more layer of "Shouting of the storm" but with a fading mystical style to it, get the sound of galloping hoofs coming in then you should be ready to take us into the second verse.

Go with what the imagery is telling you.

[CaliaMoko]

A quick thanks for all the helpful comments so far. I can't say much more, as--according to my bandwidth usage--today should be the 21st. I'm staying off line a lot more than usual in hopes of catching up.

I plan to head back to the drawing board with this one, at some point, and produce an improved version, taking advantage of the useful suggestions I'm getting.

Thanks again!

Vicki