[Miguelrye89]

Hey all, this is my melodic metal/rock/pop semi ballad. It's basically about losing a loved one, anyone that holds meaning to you, but (depending on your beliefs) still feel no connected to them. Any and all critique is deeply appreciated.

Storm Of Heartbreak

V1: You send a whisper to my heart
Every time I cry, every restless night
I remember the hardest part
Was watching you just lie, as life left your eyes
But it was then I saw a vision
I was soaring endlessly
Through a trail paved by tears
You showed me life
Was just the beginning
Of a journey through time

Chorus: When I'm left torn apart
As tears start to race
I feel your whisper touch my heart
And calm the storm within me
You calm the storm of heartbreak
And forever eternal your message reigns true
That life is the journey and death is part two

V2: Often I feel left divided
And wonder why I can't think straight
But I remember your love is eternal
That's one thing I can't mistake
And it was then I found the answer
Was deep inside of me
Buried far beneath my pain
You showed me love
Could be a healer
And wipe the tears away

Chorus: When I'm left torn apart
As tears start to race
I feel your whisper touch my heart
And calm the storm within me
You calm the storm of heartbreak
And forever eternal your message reigns true
That life is the journey and death is part two

Michael A. Ellington, 2016 Original

[CaliaMoko]

I think this has a LOT of potential. I especially like these two lines:

I feel your whisper touch my heart

That life is the journey and death is part two

Overall, I think the lyric does a good job of expressing the feelings of the protagonist and the story of loss and hope.

There are some bits I would do differently, though I can't necessarily say my way is better:

But it was And then I saw a vision
I think it's stronger with fewer words, and I like the idea of connecting the two thoughts with "and" instead of making them adversarial with "but".

I was soaring endlessly / Through a trail paved by tears
"soaring...through a [paved] trail" gives me a conflicting image: is he soaring? Or is he on the ground (paved trail)? Perhaps he could be "wandering" on the trail paved with tears? Or maybe he's soaring through a sky full of tears? Your choice here may be influenced by whether you want him grounded on a paved trail or floating/flying free to soar in the heights of whatever.

When Now I'm left torn apart
Unless you mean, "When I'm left torn apart, that's when I feel your whisper touch my heart", in which case, never mind.  

I'd like to see the title line be more hooky...build up to it and blast (if this is metal) it out in the chorus at least a couple times. Maybe you could turn the chorus around? Start with what you have now as the last two lines and build from there to the big "Storm of Heartbreak"? Of course, the song is actually about calming the storm of heartbreak, not about causing it, so I don't know. Maybe not.

Anyway, good start, and if you find anything useful here, great! If not, never mind. I'll watch for a finished product.

Vicki

[Miguelrye89]

Thank you so much Vicki! I will be taking a lot of your edits into consideration as I too feel they help the song to flow better! Thank you!

[diademgrove]

Hi Michael,

I think your song as potential, just like Vicki. It may be me but I prefer direct statements and don't use too many connecting words as I think they get in the way of the message. I think your song would be far stronger if you took out some of the ands, buts, etc. If an and or a but starts a line you have to decide whether you want them on the first beat of the bar giving that word a more prominent position in the song or as a pick up in the previous bar, which may complicate the melody.

I'd be inclined to remove them so, for example

Often I feel divided
Wonder why I can't think straight
I remembered your love is eternal
The one thing I can't mistake

It may mess up the melody, if you have one, but you are hitting the listener harder with what the song is about.

My favourite part of your words are

Buried far beneath my pain
You showed me love
Could be a healer
And wipe the tears away

Brilliant.


Feel free to ignore my suggestions if you disagree,

Keith

[Miguelrye89]

Thank you for the feedback!

[Natmilcur]

Reading these lyrics, I think they fit a more Bullet for my Valentine Esque riff style. Maybe you would even be able to do an Asking Alexandria style song. But those lyrics would suit a very heavy, yet very meaningful metal style not unlike both bands mentioned above.