WIP refugee

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S.T.C

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« on: September 26, 2016, 12:51:12 AM »
Had an idea for a sort of protest song, i don't really write about social issues ,but this came into my head this evening,and i wrote it....not to any strict musical structure...but i'm sure someone with a guitar could get it going?

i wait in line
and take my time
so no one suspects me,
only 10 yards
to an open door and soon
 i will be  ,in clover

smiling i nearly got to step out
of the ..late night convenience store
but there was more

then came the tap on the shoulder
i shuddered cold and felt a little older
the voice in the air said
'may i escort you'
and a like a fire in wildwood
i thought it was over

i heard every word
but i could not tell you
what the man in the uniform
spoke,
i found myself for reasons unknown
distant and ready to croak

we're not  here to understand
that you've left another land
and it's too late to put it back
or explain how life's essentials
you now lack

then came the tap on the shoulder
i shuddered cold.felt a little older
the voice in the air said
'may i escort you'
and a like a fire in wildwood
i thought it was over

a night in the cells
saved a meal that i could not afford
i bet the man with biggest hat
takes his holidays abroad
and do they care
that i would still share
what i have with them

then came the tap on the shoulder
i shuddered cold.felt a little older
the voice in the air said
'may i escort you'
and a like a fire in wildwood
i thought it was over


Miguelrye89

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« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2016, 05:05:01 AM »
I personally feel there should be more social issue like songs! I think with a little rework and more of a rhyme flow this could turn out to be good. It should tell a story!

diademgrove

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« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2016, 04:07:04 PM »
Hi STC,

I liked this, although when I was singing along I thought you had too many "ands". It may be me but I would get rid of a few of them. For example "I wait in line, take my time". The "take" starts at the beginning of the bar and would be some much stronger.

I'm not sure about the "so no one suspects me line". It invites further development as to why which doesn't appear leaving me, at least, a bit disappointed.

The chorus works really well, especially as you don't say what happens next and leaves us in suspense.

If you don't agree with my comments, no problem its your words.

Keith

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2016, 04:10:24 PM »
I like songs with social messages, especially if they're positive or life lessons (like this one maybe is?) I like to write songs, following a similar path--write down the story, including lines that could be part of a song but not worrying too much about getting it into a good song structure. Then I can go back and start making it into a good song. That's always my hope, anyway. :)

Now this one...you have your protagonist telling us his or her story in the first person. It's an unstable theme, so lack of perfect rhyme is perfect. ;) So also are rhythms that are maybe a little uncomfortable and not quite consistent. Near rhymes like you have in your first two lines: line/time, or more distant rhymes like choose/truth, work great for unstable themes.

If I were working on this song, I would probably start by collecting the main story into two to three verses.

Verse 1
I'm stealing something and I'm hoping not to get caught

Chorus
I would use your "We're not here to understand" section for the chorus, setting up what you perceive (I'm saying "you" as the protagonist) as the attitudes around you

Verse 2
I get caught

Chorus (We're not here)

Bridge (or verse 3)
I'm in jail

Chorus (We're not here)

Then I would probably go back and start working on the first verse, or whatever part seemed easiest to get first.

So, here I intended to give you an example of how I might work on the first verse. I got wild and couldn't quit. I ended up rewriting the whole thing. I apologize for being so heavy handed. Keep in mind it's just one example of what can be done with your theme...many other members here could do much better--most likely, so can you. I just got all carried away while writing this and couldn't stop myself. You would probably want to do it a little differently, anyway, here's my craziness. Feel free to ignore me completely; I don't mind  ;D:

VERSE 1
I take my time and stand in line
I try not to attract attention
A few more feet to reach the street
Please don't let me draw suspicion

CHORUS
'Cause all I hear is, "It's not our job to understand your situation
You could have stayed in your native land away from all of this temptation
Now it's too late to put it back, and I won't try to understand
Your need for food means nothing to me; your poverty is just too bad"

VERSE 2
I'm, oh, so cold and feeling old
When I sense the tap on my shoulder
A voice in my ear says "What have we here?"
And I knew my night was over

CHORUS
And all I hear is, "It's not our job to understand your situation
You could have stayed in your native land away from all of this temptation
Now it's too late to put it back, and I won't try to understand
Your need for food means nothing to me; your poverty is just too bad"

BRIDGE (or verse 3)
Now here I am, at night, in jail
At least I've gotten a decent meal
I look around at the other mates
And wonder if they met similar fates

CHORUS
Have they heard, "It's not our job to understand your situation
You could have stayed in your native land away from all of this temptation
Now it's too late to put it back, and I won't try to understand
Your need for food means nothing to me; your poverty is just too bad"

******

Again, please disregard if you agree I got too wild. It was fun to take an already-formed idea and and mess with it.

Vicki

S.T.C

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« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2016, 06:58:28 PM »
wow Caliamoko ,you must have spent a while doing that.....i don't mind what you say , it's only really building up a story,i would probably change 60% of the words on a 2nd write ....unfortunately i haven't got my guitar with me , so can't play and sing it ,to help with the write...

Basically i want the listener to draw their own conclusions as to what the crime is/ motive and by whom..i put refugee , so there's the clues.

midiofnowhere

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« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2016, 09:00:11 PM »
wow!

I thought this was really impressive. I really like how you told the story and It's kind of a frequent situation in the world that from my experience is a complete rarity in songs. It will be interesting to see how it is in the rewrite.

Thanks for sharing I really enjoyed reading it

 

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #6 on: September 29, 2016, 04:51:36 PM »
I liked Vicki's (Caliomoko)  changes. . . but I liked your lyric before the changes too. 

Perhaps just a few more clues from your version to get us just one step closer without quite making it as clear as Vicki did??? 

My first read (before Vicki's version) I wasn't entirely clear on what was happening.  That's good and bad.  If it's too hard to  understand, people just don't read/listen.  If it's too clear, they get bored. 

For me as a reader (and listeners are different than readers) says it should take a small step toward clarity.
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