[boolio]

https://soundcloud.com/user-938884922/daylight-moon-1a


Hi I guess this is a bit ‘out there’ and whilst the song is finished obviously the overall sound is a bit Spartan (and the performance needs polish too!) but I’d really love some idea whether this song even works or if it’s fundamentally flawed?! Please also forgive the two words of narration.

It’s about a slightly obsessive guy destroying himself emotionally because he feels unworthy and undeserving of someone he's gone and placed on a pedestal but simultaneously believing that the person might be interested in him. You know, that OLD chestnut!

Thanks in advance for listening 

Verse 1

Caught you staring into space last night
Magic carpet ride on that satellite?
Saw you staring into space...
Were you thinking of me?

Chorus

'Cos I don’t know if I should tell you
That I have been in orbit too
Trying to figure out how to change direction
So that i might get close to you

Chorus 1

But you'll go this way and I'll go that
You'll fly right on to Sirius
While I feed my cat
And "never the twain shall meet" they say...
"All probably for the best anyway"

Bridge

But these and other lies
Serve well to disguise
All that we shouldn’t leave undone
Small things that could lead to days in the sun

----------------------------------------------------------------
Verse 2

Fragile like a daylight moon
Your smile always fades far too soon
So if ever I get another chance
Well maybe we could dance

Chorus b

Still I don’t know if I should tell you
That I have let my feelings accrue
How can I risk such rancid humiliation?
So that i might get one chance with you

“AND MEANWHILE”

Chorus 1b

You’ll go that way and I'll go this
You'll fly clear beyond the horizon
While I stare at the abyss
And "never the twain shall meet" they say...
And it's probably for the best anyway

Bridge

But these and other lies
Serve well to disguise
That we shouldn’t leave undone
A few words that could lead to days in the sun

Verse 3

Brittle like a plastic spoon
My nerve always breaks far too soon
And with a chance so inopportune
I guess we’ll dance on the moon
Only dance on the moon
For us the earth has no room

[pompeyjazz]

Hi Boolio,

There's nothing wrong with this song, in fact a lot to like. Your acoustic playing is good and the structure works for me. OK, it's a bit epic at 5:37 so I would try and lose a couple of verses. Your vocals are sounding really good.

Good stuff

John

[tina m]

I thinik theres a good song here phil but at the moment its just too long & theres too much lyric..
I can remember when I started writing songs  I wasnt confident about them & so Id think oh I will add a bit more to improve it ...when the answer was the opposite ...economy is always the way to go ...until you get so good at it you realy need the challenge of  something more complicated
tbh I listened 3 times before I could follow it lyrically & musically (altho with a full band arrangement it might work well )
I think having a different lyric for each chorus is a bit confusing to the listener particularly when one also has a different melody !

the lyric was well written ..tho  'rancid humiliation' sounded a bit peculiar? & the melody was strong all the way thru but I did get lost
so lots of potential but it needs a rethink to get it looking its best 

[shadowfax]

Nice acoustic work and huge potential..bit long though and as Tinam says..unnecessarily wordy..
bit of sorting and you've got a winner mate..

[boolio]

Thanks for the comments and encouragement guys...John and Kevin, you’re both right it's bit tooo long :-) I 'divorced' myself from it last night and tried to listen to it as if someone else had done it and found myself wanting to clip some/most of the 2nd part.

Tina there's deffo an element of running before walking in my song writing. Problem is I never really plan anything and with this one I suddenly had a verbose, 10 chord twisty turning thing on my hands... I should've controlled it a little better! But thanks for picking your way through it…three times!  I appreciate you spending that amount of time with it. :-)
I will attempt a few nips and tucks and maybe I can rescue it - perhaps with a four minute ceiling!?

Thanks again for all the feedback – I’m  very grateful
Phil

[Skub]

I'd echo the comments from John,Tina and Kevin.

Trimming it back to the three minute mark would have a much bigger impact on the listener. As Tina mentioned,it's very often what you leave out that makes a song,not what you put in.

It's well played and sung,just needs a bit of editing/arranging to let out the best. 

[IronKnee]

I like the song enough....what struck me was your vocal register. You can sound like Neil Young, if you want too......pretty cool, I think!
As I said, nice song...............the recording is a bit muddled. Didn't care for the recorded intro. however.
Nice guitar strumming in there.......
Good job!
                              -Tom

[rightly]

Certainly a lot of potential there. 
Much too long though. I hate editing stuff down too. 
Nice. 

[AnitaFox]

I think you've done a great job.  Look forward to hearing the slimmed down version.

[joejohnstun]

ha I love the cat juxtaposition bringing us back down to earth after a long day in space.
is this finished finished? or still in progress....?

[boolio]

Hate 'bumping' my post just wanted to acknowledge comments...I wont say another word until this song is out of surgery 

Trimming it back to the three minute mark would have a much bigger impact on the listener

I'll aim for three minutes, not sure I'll succeed! but I get where you're coming from Skub... thanks for taking the time to listen/comment

I like the song enough....what struck me was your vocal register. You can sound like Neil Young, if you want too...the recording is a bit muddled.

Tom, many thanks... as part of the editing process I will try also to add a little clarity.
Flattered by the Young comparison though but wow, I can't go that high! 

I hate editing stuff down too

Rightly, thanks for the feedback... it'll be tough (but necessary) giving this one a severe haircut

Look forward to hearing the slimmed down version.

Thanks Anita, dieting is always difficult though! 

ha I love the cat juxtaposition

Thanks mate and Sirius being the dog star I worried people would cringe!

Thanks again to ALL 

[Movin Flavour]

Definitely a song to chill out to.

Agree with the others it is a bit too long.

Love those those acoustics guitars.


Sandeep

[macker71165]

i think this sounds ok boo!  i like how the lyrics sometimes pull the melody!

[Neil C]

Hi,
I've listened to this a few times now and I like it. The guitar sound warm and you've a nice voice  especially with th higher registers with your big tremolo.

It it's possibly over long, the middle section section is probably too similar musically but the idiosyncratirs draw you in.
I'm not sure I can suggest anything, but perhaps be a bit more focussed on your next song?
 
Neil

[boolio]

Neil, Sandeep, Macker, Thanks for your comments subsequent to my "I'm not commenting on this until I re-write/edit" post... but try as I might it's not responding to my attempts to modify it very well hence this post...

I think maybe the only thing to do is simply make it a two-parter... by cutting it after the bridge and grafting a verse or two on 'the end' to make it a bit more coherent and if surgery kills it then fair enough!

Tinam said (and I paraphrase) the full version might respond to having a band full of instruments behind it and Tina, maybe you're right but I simply don't have the computer/technology/know-how to achieve this - without an awful lot of help! So I'll just 'leave it be' for now...And anwayTBH I'm feeling a bit self-concious that it's still figuring on here without scaffolding, ear protection and "Hard Hat Area" warning signs ...

Thanks again to those who commented. I'm very grateful

Phil