[polite_THINGS]

But anyway,
This is the middle part in the song, things come before it and things come after it. But it is a plot point in the song; where the music is being what it is, the lyrics move it along and i make it a huge point to intertwine the lyrics with the music. I might as well jump in, lyrics below

I am not present in conversation
Because my mind is going to war,
Just a little bit of social interaction
100 spiders on the floor,
I am afraid to get out of my car
And im afraid to go into the store,
I am a slave to my obsession
And i do self-destructive things subconsciously
And i dont see
Cuz sometimes nothings real to me
And i cant break free.

End of lyrics. The thing im worried about is that my rhyme schemes are always very simple, but im concerned that such a sudden switch seems heavy handed. Either that or it works really well because it just happens and thats what it is. Any advice or opinions are welcome, tear me to shreds.

[CaliaMoko]

I think it depends on things like--does the accompaniment (melody, arrangement) support the sudden change? Does the change happen in a way that hits you in the ear and leave you wondering what happened? Or does it make you sit up and take notice of the change so you follow the thought better?

Just looking at the lyric, with no reference music, I think it could certainly work, depending on the setting.

Vicki

[hardtwistmusic]

I can't tell from reading it.  I'd have to hear it to know.  I suspect that you are one of those rare people who can "hear" from a written page.   So you assume we all can.  Most of us cannot. 

If you are one of those rare people, I would suggest you do two things. 

1.  Be very grateful for, and appreciative of that talent by realizing how rare it is. 
2.  Make allowances for us when asking these kinds of questions. 

[midiofnowhere]

Great Lyrics!

I really like the start

"I am not present in conversation
Because my mind is going to war"

and

"And i do self-destructive things subconsciously"

Really powerful

[ScottLevi]

The thing im worried about is that my rhyme schemes are always very simple, but im concerned that such a sudden switch seems heavy handed. Either that or it works really well because it just happens and thats what it is. Any advice or opinions are welcome, tear me to shreds.

I don't think there's anything to worry about. The rhymes are strong, the change feels well-timed (even integral) and it reads well to me as a whole.

I wish I had something more to say because 'tear me to shreds' implies you're looking for some brutally honest feedback - but I honestly think it just works as is and cannot justify telling you otherwise.

[polite_THINGS]

hey guys, thanks for replying. sorry its taken me so long to get back to you but i wanted to wait until i could get in front of a computer to actually type a response, considering im always on mobile which can be challenging.

calia moko, the music is going somewhere when it happens, im just concerned that my lyrics seem contrived and childish because of the rhyme scheme that i pretty much always use unless something is meant to stand out in that way. i was hoping for another pair of eyes on it, and luckily i got them.

hardtwistmusic, it wasnt anything to do with more than the lyrics themselves really, they seemed easy and basic to me. compared to some of the songwriters i look up to, smashing pumpkins, violent femmes.

midiofnowhere, thanks for the feedback! i appreciate it! also your username is clever

scottlevi, wow, thanks man. thats a great compliment you have paid me, to say something just works. kind of lets me know of goin in the right direction

[diademgrove]

I have no problem with the music changing drastically to accommodate these lyrics, in fact I think they demand a significant musically shift.

My only suggestions would be a pause after self-destructive things and maybe a drop in emphasis for "subconsciously". what that would do is underline the self-harm and then reinforce it by saying you're not aware of it whilst it happens.

Finally I'd remove the "And" in the last line. You want the "I can't break free" to stand out and putting in the "and takes something away from the despair you feel.

It would make a great bridge in a song.

If you have music already and your words work please feel free to disregard my suggestions.

Keith

[polite_THINGS]

Thats mainly what it is, i was envisioning it more ad a tunnel though. Ill have to whip something up on my computer. I tend to not record anything until the song is done because its too hard to change certain things so i just start over. But yeah, haha. Thank for you responding!