[conwenderbend]

https://www.facebook.com/groups/2448306180/permalink/10154406035341181/?comment_id=10154406283326181&notif_t=group_comment&notif_id=1474483393105420

hi guys

have been writing songs for about a week now and wanted some feedback ( please be honest )

i wrote this 2 days ago.

oh you better run boy                 ( verse 1 )
because im coming for you
im gonna shoot you down
becuse youve been a fool

cant you read the signs              
they say dont tresspass
and yet here you are
standing on my grass

OH YOU BETTER RUN BOY                ( Chorus )
THIS IS YOUR ONLY DAMN CHANCE                                

you think your free                  ( verse 2 )
coming on my field
well now your mine boy
and things are gonna get real

i can see your head                  
poking through the corn
when im finished with you boy
youl wish you wasnt born

OH YOU BETTER RUN BOY                ( chorus )
CAUSE IL CHASE YOU INTO THE DAWN


oh you cant hide boy                 ( verse 3 )
i know your laying down
and its no use son
il just release the hounds

so i take the shot                    
the bullet wizzes through the green
he sees his chance
he spots a gap in the trees

he runs for his life
the hounds are on his 6
he jumps with all his might
over a pile of bricks

OH YOU BETTER RUN BOY              ( chorus )
IF I DONT CATCH YUO IL BE PISSED


hes almost made it out             ( verse 4 )
hes nearly at the bridge
but the boy falls down
and he breaks his wrist

the boy then turns around
and he looks real mean
hes full of built up rage
the reddest eyes id ever seen


OH YOU BETTER RUN MAN                           ( chorus )
THIS BOY WILL TAKE YOUR HEAD OFF CLEAN

if i dont shoot now              ( verse 5 )
i know il be dead
after i hear the bang
i can see straight through the hole in his head

the boy just stands there      
so i shoot him twice
he doesnt budge again
then he lunges at me with a knife

I SHOULDNT HAVE RUN MAN          ( chorus )
THIS BOY HAS TAKEN MY LIFE  

[IronKnee]

OK...........here's some honesty  

Great start into songwriting. The melody and music is about as generic as it gets....but the blues are forgiving, as long as there is a good story.  Which bring me to the lyrics.
Very well done!!   Nothing earth bending, mind you, but very comprehensively written with no apparent stumbling blocks.
Again, IMHO, this might not be your first Hit, but there may be one in your future if you keep this up.
Gotta get original ( easier said than done, however   )

Hope that helps....and hope to hear more, conwenderbend.
                                                                                                     -Tom

Oh...I forgot to tell you to get rid of the F-bomb 

[Neil C]

Hi,
Enjoyed it, with that blues riff.
Thoughts: like the way you get to chorus with the the open chord but just felt that that chorus should be a stand out a bit more, so the vocals above the backing. Also may be try some repeats, especially towards the end.
Good start.
 
Neil 

[conwenderbend]

thank you both for the feedback. it means a lot

[hardtwistmusic]

I enjoyed the song.   If this is your first song, and you keep writing, natural progression will almost certainly lead you to some really memorable work.  Great potential. 

One friendly suggestion.  You "apologized in advance" for "sloppy vocals" etc. 

The friendly suggestion is to stop criticizing yourself.  Let US do that.  Constructive criticism is what we're here for.  Self criticism is seldom constructive.  And you're vocal was just fine. . . better than fine really.  You are NOT the best judge of your own voice.  No one is. 

Everyone hates their own voice until they learn to hear it like others do.  Believe in your own voice (both your physical voice and the "voice" of your songs."  And keep writing and playing your songs.  You have real talent.  It WILL work out. 

[johnlondon]

Like this, could do with some variation, but a good song to open your song writing account with. Your voice is fine, could do with strengthening, but then so could every ones.

[Movin Flavour]

Good first song.


Agree with others that need some variation....chorus and song merge into each other.


Sandeep

[MartynRich]

I wish my first song was as good as that! It´s nice, got some good lyrics over a standard blues tune. Not sure I agree what others say about the chorus, I do think it stands out ok, but maybe it should be longer. there are some nice changes in there as well.

You´ll get better the more you write, just keep it going and welcome to the forum.