[boolio]

LINK TO SONG UPDATED

New link - https://soundcloud.com/user-938884922/finding-california-1b

Please also see post below for updated lyrics

thanks

[CaliaMoko]

Hey boolio! You haven't read the guidelines yet, have you?? Check 'em out.

1. I followed your soundcloud link, but there's no song there. If you're looking for feedback on your lyrics, we do have a "Lyrics" forum for that purpose.

2. I'll give you a little feedback on your lyric right here, since here is where you are and lyrics is all you have. First of all, here's how I would format the song to make it easier to read:

I got lost finding California; too many side roads along way   
I got lost finding California; Still I hope I get there one day     
And when I do, I find the courage to stay
This realm's simply lost all its colour, if it had any from the start
and now we're on the same yellowing page
don't you think it's time for a new chart
Your life is your life. Living it, that's the real art!

Chorus
cos we spend far too much time doing what seems right
if you could only see some of the stars you'd be fine
and if I could've just seen beyond my reach, you'd still be mine

Etc....

The line lengths are just me, my personal preference, but a nice separation between verses and choruses (a label is helpful, too) makes it so much easier to see your song structure more clearly.

Of course, you're more interested in feedback on the song itself, aren't you? So, here you go.

Your first verse seems to indicate you got lost on the way to California, implying you did get there eventually. Then on the second line we discover--oh, no, you didn't make it. I wonder if something like "I got lost on the way to California"? No, hmmm, maybe "I got lost looking for California"? That might do it. That changes the rhythm, though. But there's probably a way to make it work.

That's about all I have for you. Most of the song I don't get. I don't get out much, and I don't know what you're talking about, especially in the second verse. I assume the chorus is repeated after the second verse? Maybe twice?

Vicki

[boolio]

Thanks for all that, Good points, well made!

I got my wires crossed the other night and uploaded the wrong version to soundcloud then had to delete.

I will try again later on so hopefully they'll be something to hear

I appreciate your comments on the lyrics (and the appearance of them, I just copy and pasted off my Chordastic app without checking how they'd appear on here) I'll check the format next time!


Regarding the actual lyrical content I think it will be contextualised by the song (and hopefully, more understandable)  but I have re-written a couple of line starts to help this. I guess the writing process is insular and personal but if your audience hasn't got a 'scooby' what you're talking about... I can see that's a problem

Thanks again for the advice Vicki. it's appreciated.

[boolio]

Here's a 'rough' version I hope the link isn't broken

https://soundcloud.com/user-938884922/finding-california-1b

Complete with formatted (and modified) lyrics...

INTRO

I got lost finding California,
there's too many side roads along way   
I got lost finding California
Still I hope I get there one day     
And when I do I find the courage  to stay

'Cos this town's  simply lost all it's colour
if it ever had any right at it's heart
and now we're stuck on the same timeworn page
don't you think it's high time for a new start
I know your life is your life but living it, that's  the art!

CHORUS

cos we spend far too much time
doing what seems right
if you could only see
some of the stars you'd be fine
and if I could've just seen beyond my
reach you'd still be mine

D# A# G# Fm
D# A# G#

So for now lets walk beyond the Tamar
Fido's all go and we need a beer
The Jeep's loaded, and Kernow* is real and waiting
Hold my hand, trust me the coast is near
I realise it's not California again this year
But where ever we go that I love you, is clear

OUTRO

*Cornwall

[hardtwistmusic]

Here's a 'rough' version I hope the link isn't broken

https://soundcloud.com/user-938884922/finding-california-1b

Complete with formatted (and modified) lyrics...

INTRO

I got lost finding California,
there's too many side roads along way    
I got lost finding California
Still I hope I get there one day    
And when I do I find the courage  to stay

'Cos this town's  simply lost all it's colour
if it ever had any right at it's heart
and now we're stuck on the same timeworn page
don't you think it's high time for a new start
I know your life is your life but living it, that's  the art!

CHORUS

cos we spend far too much time
doing what seems right
if you could only see
some of the stars you'd be fine
and if I could've just seen beyond my
reach you'd still be mine

D# A# G# Fm
D# A# G#

So for now lets walk beyond the Tamar
Fido's all go and we need a beer
The Jeep's loaded, and Kernow* is real and waiting
Hold my hand, trust me the coast is near
I realise it's not California again this year
But where ever we go that I love you, is clear

OUTRO

*Cornwall

This format is FAR easier to read . . . and it communicates your song far better.  

Did you know that you can go back and modify your original post and make it like this one so that the first thing people see is the song in THIS format?  

Let me know if you want help understanding how to do that.  

I love the lyric.  Haven't listened yet.

OKAY:  Now I've listened.  Loved the song as much as I loved the lyric.  No suggestions.  If I worked hard at it, I could probably find a nit.  But I like it as it is and won't work that hard.

[boolio]

Thanks for your comments Verlon. MUCH appreciated. Most of what I do is heavily influenced (consciously or subconsciously) by my love of 'Americana' so it's also great to get feedback from someone from 'across the pond' 

[tina m]

was that intentional that the song got louder all the way through?
it was so quiet at the start i couldnt hear it
anyway you have a strong voice & i thought the song was realy good...very tuneful ..with a melody that twisted & turned & not at all repetitive
i liked the lyric it started off like it was going to be cliched but wasnt at all & i liked the sentiment at the end

if you want to know how it could be improved i felt the gap between the verse & the chorus was not a good idea ..i think a perfect verse should swell at the end & lift up into the chorus ...a gap just ruins that...do you know what i mean?
i also think a chorus is better if you use  it more than once

[MartynRich]

Great first post Phil. You have a great sounding voice and the song keeps the interest all the way through. There are some really interesting chord changes in there, but like Tina said, I think the chorus could be repeated a bit more, it is the hook after all.

The production is obviously quite sparse but I could imagine quite a rocking band behind this, giving the whole thing some real welly. Great intro to the forum and looking forward to hearing more stuff soon!

[boolio]

Thanks for the input guys. It's REALLY appreciated and this rough cut needs some work

Tina I totally get what you mean about the verse leading into the chorus, that specifically needs tweaking/modifying which I will work on. I also have another verse or two up my sleeve my only concern is it becoming too long...you know, less is more? But you're right a second chorus has to be there.
Also the quiet beginning was as a result of my ineptitude using Audacity I didn't limit the length of the fade in! Martyn, I like your idea to get some 'welly' behind this alas I don't have any band mates at the mo. but I'm learning (slowly) how to use a TRIO Plus pedal for adding basic drums and base line so maybe that's the next step. Having said that I'd like to play in a band again, it's been tooo long. 
Many Thanks again for listening/commenting really made my day... and its Monday! 

[shadowfax]

Just had a listen..if Neil Young had written this it would be a hit..or at least on one of his albums...
more practiced performance would improve it, guitar sounded great!!!
a promising start IMHO..
keep on keepin on my friend..