[hardtwistmusic]

Dwight D. Eisenhower said (regarding the concept of "mutually assured destruction" whereby if WE were to be Nuked and wiped out, we could rest assured that the Russians would suffer even greater losses than we did) "It's cold comfort to a man being killed to know that his death will be avenged." 

I wrote that down and waited nearly six months before I got any inkling of where to take it.  This lyric was dashed off impossibly fast today, and is certainly in need of major improvements in numerous areas.  Any suggested improvements will be greatly appreciated.

“Cold Comfort” 

It’s cold comfort for a man being killed
To know that his death will be avenged. 
Small condolence to a man on fire
To know that the building’s unsinged.

It’s oh so easy to support a war
when you know that YOU’RE children won’t fight.
A whole nother thing if your child’s at risk.
When deciding who’s wrong or who’s right.

If you’re gonna make an omellete,
Gotta sacrifice a couple of eggs. 
We’re willing to make the sacrifice,
if it’s a stranger who’s losing his legs.   

It’s cold comfort for a man being killed
To know that his death will be avenged. 
Small condolence to a man on fire
To know that the building’s unsinged.

When a total stranger suffers,
It’s different than if it’s ourelves.
It’s never a real big thing when it’s
Happening to somebody else. 

We’re not inclined to do our share
For what’s happening “way over there.” 
Bit if it were to happen in “our back yard”
You know there’d be an all out war. 

It’s cold comfort for a man being killed
To know that his death will be avenged. 
Small condolence to a man on fire
To know that the building’s unsinged.

When Sarah sees Russia from her back yard.
They’re like a predator across the hall.     
If Mexico lies across the river, 
We get frightened and threaten a wall.

But when the “wrong colored” people in some far off land. 
Are starving, or murdered or both. 
It’s no big deal, no need to lend a hand. 
Let God sort it out on his own. 

It’s cold comfort for a man being killed
To know that his death will be avenged. 
Small condolence to a man on fire
To know that the building’s unsinged.

[CaliaMoko]

Here are my opinions, for whatever they are worth. Feel free to tell me to take a running jump if you don't agree. 

I would remove most of the occurrences of the word "that". IMO it weakens any phrase that (sic) doesn't need it.

Some of the words and phrasing seem harsh or rough on the ear, but maybe that's what you're after, considering the subject matter. If so, please do disregard anything I say intended to "smooth" it out.

For instance, the first line of the chorus ends with the word "killed" which doesn't feel musical to me. So I might try something like...

It's cold comfort to one who's facing death
To know he'll be avenged
Small solace to a man on fire
To see the building still stands

While I didn't like "unsinged", this isn't really a lot better, but maybe it'll give you new ideas.

In the first verse, I might change the "or" to "and" in the 4th line. Then in the next four lines we see the word "sacrifice" twice. In the second line, one might possibly use "You gotta break a coupla eggs."

I actually have ideas for all the verses, but it's starting to look like I'm trying to take over your song!      So I'll stop here and give someone else a chance.

I like the topic a lot and feel what the song is expressing often myself. It's so hard to balance the detachment needed to make it possible to live one's life, with having compassion for others, especially on a global level.

I'll be looking forward to the next level of this song.

Vicki

[hardtwistmusic]

I actually have ideas for all the verses, but it's starting to look like I'm trying to take over your song!  So, I'll stop here and give someone else a chance.


Vicki

Actually, it's a work in progress, and I wouldn't mind at all having another perspective and ending up with a collaborative effort.  I'm not sure it actually has a chance to go anywhere with it being just my perspective. 

If you want to. . . rewrite to your hearts content.  We're more likely (imo) to end up with something useful and meaningful together than separately.

[Graemepryce]

I would agree with the poster who said you need to 'smooth it out' a bit. I tend to take more away from my lyrics than I add as time goes on. Sometimes I do it a bit too much and worry that I end up with lyrics that are just too vague to be meaningful to anybody though.

I like the concept and I always find it refreshing to see songs that are about something other than love or sex. I like to be able to relate on some level to lyrics of stuff I'm listening to but i haven't been in a relationship for ages so love songs aren't feeling very personal to me lately.

I would say though, as somebody with a tiny bit of experience on this, if you're going to make any sort of political statement or allegiance in your music then it's best to think on it very, very carefully and be sure you're saying something you think you are always going to stand by.

I've found a lot of people are immediately put off listening to something they consider to be political in nature - and some people have a very broad definition of what they consider to be political.

It's also pretty long but I suppose I can't make that distinction truly until I'd actually heard it as a song.

I wrote something a bit similar a few years ago. I posted it on here at the time but rather than searching through old posts, it is still online on YouTube here -

If this is the type of subject matter you're looking to write about it might interest you.