[Nuls]

Hi all,


I'm new here, and looking forward to chipping in. I thought I'd introduce myself artistically, so to speak, with a song I just finished. Would love to hear your thoughts.


BETWEEN SECONDS

Just as the penny dropped the time stood still
And the fall came to a halt
You're frozen up just where you stood
So is everybody, so is everybody else

I let my fingers run across your face
There's something hiding in your eyes
Spilt wine like rubies in space
I can't read you, I can't read you like I could

Whatever happened, whatever happened
That we could drift apart?
I should have changed and
You should have let down your guard
But time's up

Just like a lifetime passing on a bike
Just like a referee at the game
Just long enough to realize
Things will never, things will never be the same


Best regards,
Nuls

[CaliaMoko]

My initial reaction is--this reads more like a poem than a song. There's no division of verses and choruses, and there's no hook.

Of course, a song can be "through composed", so it wouldn't be impossible to make this into a song.

Welcome to the forum and I'll be watching for some of your reactions and feedback for posts and songs from others as well as more of your work.

Vicki

[Nuls]

Hi Vicky,


You're absolutely right, I went for something else than the conventional verse-chorus structure, although it has a very structuralized feel to it. The music is there - I just haven't gotten around to record it yet.

And thanks for the response - I'll see you around here ;-)


Best,
Nuls

[Miguelrye89]

I like this, but as was said before I think it reads like a poem as well. There should be a verse and a chorus that comes after every verse! It's not terrible, just more of a poem than a song!

[Oldbutyet]

Hi all,


I'm new here, and looking forward to chipping in. I thought I'd introduce myself artistically, so to speak, with a song I just finished. Would love to hear your thoughts.


BETWEEN SECONDS

Just as the penny dropped the time stood still
And the fall came to a halt
You're frozen up just where you stood
So is everybody, so is everybody else

I let my fingers run across your face
There's something hiding in your eyes
Spilt wine like rubies in space
I can't read you, I can't read you like I could

Whatever happened, whatever happened
That we could drift apart?
I should have changed and
You should have let down your guard
But time's up

Just like a lifetime passing on a bike
Just like a referee at the game
Just long enough to realize
Things will never, things will never be the same


Best regards,
Nuls

I like this but i think your first verse is a little to much your guidance, as a reader and listener of song maybe

The penny dropped, time stood still
And the fall, came to a halt
You're frozen, where you stood
So is everybody, everybody else

[Paulski]

Hi Nuls

I liked this - unconventional and a bit abstract, but has some nice rhythmic phrases in it.
Not sure you need to say "the time" - you could leave out "the" as Oldbutyet mentioned, and when you do mention time, the logical meaning for "fall" in the next line is Autumn rather than falling down. If you want "fall" to mean Autumn, then you could leave off "the" there too. It may be hard to remember this song based on the title as it doesn't appear in the lyrics as a hook. Maybe "things will never be the same" would be a better candidate for the title IDK.
BTW - I really like how you repeat phrases at the end of each stanza - makes for some interesting possibilities music-wise.

Oh yeah - welcome!
Paul

[Nuls]

Hi everyone,


Thanks for the insightful comments! Particularly the thoughts on the "the"s are good stuff for me :-) I'll get around to posting an audio example sometime soon.

I have written other songs that are hinged on a verse/chorus structure, so this one was a shot at something different and by no means intended as a "hit". But yea, still trying to find the right title. For now, I think I have settled on "In Space" as a symbolically ambiguous extract from the lyric with a nice ring to it. Also somehow suits the melancholic major upbeat music.


Once again, thanks!

[hardtwistmusic]

Hi everyone,


Thanks for the insightful comments! Particularly the thoughts on the "the"s are good stuff for me :-) I'll get around to posting an audio example sometime soon.

Once again, thanks!

Four people have reviewed your post and given you help.  You have a total of three posts on this forum.  All three of your posts are about YOUR song on this thread.  

Before you "get around to posting an audio example sometime soon," it might be a good idea to "get around to" providing several reviews of other people's work for every review you receive.  

That's the general rule of thumb here.

I'm not trying to be rude here, but there has been a lot of recent "post and disappear" people passing through the forum.  I hope you don't turn out to be one of them.  

To post and receive reviews without providing help in return says "I matter, YOU DON'T."  

I hope you are here to GIVE help as well as to accept help from others.    

If you are, I will enjoy hearing more from you.  This shows real talent.  

[Helena4]

I love it. I love an unconventional song with a different structure for sure, and I really love your imagery in the first half. The "rubies in space" bit seemed bizzare, but somewhat mesmerisingly so. But the "just like a referee at a game" line seems really out of place and I would wager a guess that you put it in there for the ryhme. I don't see what referees has to do with the situation... and it just seems like you listing random things at that point "like this... like that" which is unimaginative. Being picky, but whatever, I like it and I like that it doesn't necessarily look like a normal song structure.

[AndyV]

First thing I notice is the unstructured rhymes.

1 = no rhyme
2 = lines 1 and 3 rhyme
3 = lines 2 and 4 rhyme
4 = lines 2 and 4 rhyme

Maybe it's on purpose, and without actually hearing the song I cannot say if it bothers me or not, so for now I will just give you the benefit of the doubt

But a very nice lyric for sure!