konalavadome

Ghosts of Nashville

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igg

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« on: August 05, 2016, 08:02:05 PM »
Hi,
In the spirit of exploring the Nashville experience....


GHOSTS OF NASHVILLE  

Verse 1:
Tonight, she's singing        Oh so sweet    
Counting spare change at her feet                      
Trying hard........ to make enough to eat
They say, she's only paying dues                              
Down on her luck, .....  so much to lose                                      
Seems her golden dreams have turned to blues

Verse 1A:
Kids like her, in run-down cars                                  
Arrive, with eyes.. crammed full of stars        
Busted  cases holding their guitars
The story that they've all been sold      
Is "Strike it rich before you're old"                                                                                
So, Nashville's where they come to find that gold        

CHORUS:
Oh Nashville, you sparkle like a diamond                
You're the dazzling El Dorado of the south                  
There's nothing shining brighter    
For those singers and song  writers
Who come here for that lucky strike of gold              
Hoping for their lucky strike of gold

Verse 2:
You can watch 'em ...everyday
On the  corners... where they play                                            
Or in some lonely bar or old cafe
They struggle.. for their taste of fame
And in the end .. most burning flames      
Flicker out.. and no one knows the names

Verse 2A:
Pawnshops, full of ghosts that hang
Still ringing  with the songs they sang                        
It's half price.. On a Steel-string you can trust                            
There's magic.. In each old guitar
Enough to make those would be stars                                    
Believe.. that all their dreams won't turn to dust
          
CHORUS:
Oh Nashville, you sparkle like a diamond                
You're the dazzling El Dorado of the south                  
There's nothing shining brighter    
For those singers and song  writers
Who come here for that lucky strike of gold              
Hoping for their lucky strike of gold

« Last Edit: August 05, 2016, 08:03:56 PM by igg »

delb0y

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« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2016, 11:15:43 PM »
I'm "hearing" this as a country song, of course.

It all scans well and feels like it will fit a nice country groove well. My main issue is that it's a well used story for a song lyric, probably over-used. But with the right music it could, of course, transcend this. I guess Nashville is for wannabe singers what LA is for wannabe starlets. Hell, wannabe guitar players head for Nashville too - I recall the late Pete Huttlinger (RIP feller - Pete died just a few months back after a life of major health issues) who was one of the finest pickers on this planet saying that the Nashville studio bosses told him they could dial up any number of equally good pickers any day!

I love the image of the old guitars handing on the pawnshop walls still ringing with the songs that came from them, although the actual wording of the couplet jarred a little:

Pawnshops, full of ghosts that hang
Still ringing  with the songs they sang                        

The last word feels wrong on account of the guitars never sang the songs. Normally I don't mind a little bit of leeway with such things, but here it feels like the words is chosen to make the rhyme rather than because it's the best word/image.

In verse one I was puzzled by the line "So much to lose" when it seemed to me that the singer had already lost everything. But I love her golden dreams turning to blue.

I felt you over-used the word gold a little in the middle part of the song. I get the repetition, but maybe think about taking it out of the verse?

So, Nashville's where they come to find that gold        

CHORUS:
Oh Nashville, you sparkle like a diamond                
You're the dazzling El Dorado of the south                  
There's nothing shining brighter    
For those singers and song  writers
Who come here for that lucky strike of gold              
Hoping for their lucky strike of gold

Lastly you had an AAABBB rhyming scheme for all the verses except 2a when you went to AABCCB. Is this to be a bridge rather than another verse?

Definitely enough here to make it worth while continuing through to a full song - and  country being my thing I shall look forward to hearing it!
West Country Country Boy

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2016, 12:00:36 AM »
Too tired to do justice to this lyric right now.  I've read through it, (was fascinated with the title) and will look harder when I'm fresher.  So far, it's very impressive.
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Neil C

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« Reply #3 on: August 06, 2016, 02:19:59 PM »
Hi
Good concept and some good lines in there, I liked the first verse.
A couple of thoughts if you want to take it to the next level:  I really didn't get any story, more a description. If you've got Nashville in the title people expect a story and a payoff line. Secondly it's written from an observed point of view and it would much more powerful if it got more personal.
Ie on 1a - I see kids like here... And you can go back in time to when you were like them . Did you make it or not? I was a singer and song writer... Looking for gold. This would make the latter half of the chorus much more powerful.
Hope that's of some used.
 :)
NEIL
songwriter of no repute..

Buc McMaster

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« Reply #4 on: August 06, 2016, 02:33:01 PM »
Some very good lines in here, but I must confess, without melody I have a very difficult time interpreting a lyric and picking up a meter in my head that makes it work for me.  But that's my problem and not a disparagement of your effort!  There are a few turns of phrase that could be massaged for a better result, I think, but at the moment I'm short on specifics for you.  I do like it overall.......a bit of eraser work and it might really shine!

igg

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« Reply #5 on: August 24, 2016, 05:46:34 PM »
Hi Guys,

Thanks for all of the comments:

Delb0y -
Pawnshops, full of ghosts that hang
Still ringing  with the songs they sang
    ....I hear what you're saying...I thought "still echoing the songs they sang" works... but I like the sharpness of the word "ringing"...I guess for me the ghosts line is a confabulation of singer and guitar....that's why it didn't bother me more....or maybe/probably I'm rationalizing a line I want to keep (sigh)...   You're right Verse 2a was written as a bridge....both in structure and viewpoint....

The line should probably be    " Down on her luck, .....  nothin' to lose" ...I flipped back and forth between the to options....making tortured sense of each one......but your reaction has informed my decision....Thanks!

Neil - I think I wanted to with more of that third person observing ...and contrasting hopes and wishes with reality...there is a poignancy in that human striving that I'm trying to capture....

Buc- It is an unconventional meter....and you know how it is...once you're singing it in your head....you assume that everyone is with you...the verses sort of rush along and the pause for a more relaxed half time chorus....I think I'll record it next week and get you opinion of whether it worked or not .....

hardtwistmusic

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« Reply #6 on: August 25, 2016, 01:39:16 AM »
Sorry to take so long to get back to you on this one. 

I've read it several times, but always late at night when I'm tired.

I don't really have anything constructive to add to what's already been suggested, but just wanted to tell you that I like it.  There are some wonderful lines in this, and the cohesive whole is extremely well done.
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Verlon Gates  -  60 plus years old.

Xanadu

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« Reply #7 on: September 07, 2016, 03:40:27 PM »
Shame you have titled it T G O N

I don't know of any Hit songs that dosent use the HOOK LINE as the title

They say Point every line at your title ?? do you do that  ?? just a little  
but it needs  so much more,   of course it has some good lines , but even those
could be made better , more memorable

Re write it until you are convinced it becomes a song  people will  want
hear time and time again

There has been enough of our top country  stars who have gone on  in recent years
No need to mention them by name more like --The Man In Black-- The No Show Man --

-Gentleman Jim -   You know what I am after here

In a way a lot of what you have here is in present tense  where as  Ghosts of Nashville
infers  story lines written about those stars of yesteryear who have left us  

Keep it up you could eventually have something BIG,  It's not easy but every time  you
change a line or two it could  become something memorable

I dont see this song as  ghosts of those who never made it after all they would have lives
in some other Profession ,   Not every one who fails to become a Country Star lives
a life of regret,,  And ghosts tend to be around places where they became legends
like it or not we dont want to hear about  those who never made it
« Last Edit: September 07, 2016, 03:53:06 PM by Xanadu »