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I've Been Played By Life

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KaelJay

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« on: June 25, 2016, 05:36:05 PM »
Hello Everyone!
The past lyrics I've post, there were some comments about the structure of the story. Someone reminded me of the Who, When, What, Why, and How. So I try to remind myself that thinking.

Hope you enjoy! ;)

I’ve Been Played By Life

Verse 1:
Seems like I’ve been played by life for too long
I have been a fool for my eyes to know
God have made me suffer like a joke
Seems like I won’t win, I’m bound to lose

Pre-Chorus 1:
Even happiness can’t cure my fears
The dark has always blocked my view, it seems
That the thorns are under my feet

Chorus:
I wish someone else would switch bodies with myself
And I’ll tell them, “Good luck being in hell”
Because I won’t switch the bodies again

Verse 2:
Seems like I’ve been played by life for too long
I now have metal cans, contrast to gold
I let myself throw my life-earned vault
Let my guard down, I must pay my dues

Pre-Chorus 2:
I was once so glad, with a smile I once had
With pockets of sunshine & rays in my hand
But now, I’m constantly sorrowed and mad

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge:
If life can give me a second chance
To have a life again
But it is just a question of ‘when?’
Can I get a yen?

Then if so, Amen
Amen
Amen

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2016, 07:12:56 PM »
Hi Mikael,

First, let me remind you that what I write here is based only on my personal opinions and it won't bother me if you ignore part or all of it. It will sound, possibly, as bad as "harsh", but I don't mean to be so.

Okay.

I think this lyric still needs a lot of work. I was going to work through it and give you suggestions, but I was ending up rewriting everything and, of course, it needs to be your lyric, not mine. Plus, I'm not sure I've understood completely what you're trying to say.

For the most part, it looks like you have told a cohesive story. Some nits follow.

Nit 1.
There are a couple spots where I'm pretty sure I don't know what you're trying to say. I think those should be clarified. They are:

I let myself throw my life-earned vault
Let my guard down, I must pay my dues


and

But it is just a question of ‘when?’
Can I get a yen?


Nit 2.
In pre-chorus 1 you say:

Even happiness can’t cure my fears
The dark has always blocked my view, it seems
That the thorns are under my feet


Then in pre-chorus 2 you say:

I was once so glad, with a smile I once had
With pockets of sunshine & rays in my hand
But now, I’m constantly sorrowed and mad


These contradict each other. The first one says the dark has ALWAYS blocked your view. The second one says "I was once...glad...with pockets of sunshine...."

Either you were always blocked by the dark or you were once glad in the sunshine, but not both.

Nite 3.
Overall, your lyric has no rhythm or rhyme that I was able to discern. I know a song can work when the rhythms are not always consistent, but in this case your lyric comes across to me as a free verse type of poetry.

That's enough for now. Especially if I'm missing the mark completely with this. It's entirely possible someone else could make a great song with this lyric and my nits may be due to my lack of skill.

To close, here's an idea for a rewrite of pre-chorus #2:

I was once so happy; the smile I once had
Was filled with cheerful sunshine before my life turned bad
And now I'm full of anger and feeling, oh so, sad.


Again, please ignore if I'm off track here. I hope something will be helpful to you.

Vicki