I have a few immediate reactions to this....the first thing I noticed is, it strikes me more as free verse than lyrics. For instance:
1. The rhythm of the lines is really inconsistent. This makes it harder, though not impossible, to put it in a rhythmic musical setting.
2. Verses 1 and 2 are different enough in rhythms (plus one has 10 lines and the other 9) that it would be difficult to use the same music for both. Verses typically more or less match each other in rhythm, melody, and rhyme pattern.
3. No real rhyme scheme, although a lot of the lines in verse 1 do rhyme with each other.
4. Just one "chorus" at the end instead of a pattern of alternating verse and chorus.
You didn't mention what you're looking for in the way of reviewing, so I'll stop there.
In other thoughts...I see you've only been with us since June 17, and so far you have posted two lyrics. I sure would like to see you spend some time giving us your thoughts on songs other people in the forums are posting. I'd also very much like to know more about you. Why not pop over to "
Introductions" and tell us a few things like how long you've been writing lyrics, who are your influences, what you hope to get out of your membership in the forum, what instruments you play, where your music is posted online (if you have music posted), how long you've been performing (if you perform), what inspired your musical activities...things like that and whatever else you can think of.
I like the topic of this lyric and I'd be very interested in seeing it develop into a cohesive polished work and set to music. I hope to see a variety of evidence of your presence here over time.
Good luck with your musical endeavors!
Vicki
