[Helena4]

I said the other song I posted today, "When I die the ink will live on" was depressing, but Doodles pointed out the cheerful side of it to me and it actually seems like quite a hopeful tune to me now, even though it started out reminiscing on depression. Now, this one actually is depressing. Its subtle social commentary as well... its something that really frustrates me. I think I have been listening to too much Joy Division today... I have a compulsion to finish up all of these depressing song ideas I had.
(EDIT: I think this will be danceable as well... but not exactly in the dance anthem way Vodka was... suddenly twisted dance tunes are becoming my forte)


I spend a lot of time alone,
I lie in bed and hug my phone,
On Saturdays I might go out,
And dance desperately,
That grey man he’s a doctor now,
He dances desperately,
And all of us are happy while,
We dance desperately.

I can’t shake this feeling that I’m dead,
(Shake, shake)
I can't shake this feeling that I'm dead,
(Shake, shake)
I can’t shake this feeling that I’m dead.
(Shake, shake)
(Shake, shake)

I lend my days out to the man,
Avoid work on Instagram,
And overtime leads to the night of,
Dancing desperately,
People turn your phone lights off,
And dance desperately,
Won’t you zombies join me while I,
Dance desperately.

I can’t shake this feeling that I’m dead,
(Shake, shake)
I can’t shake this feeling that I’m dead,
(Shake, shake)
I can't shake this feeling that I'm dead.
(Shake, shake)
(Shake, shake)

I’m not sure I’m feeling any feelings cos my feelings are used up,
On feeling stuff you cannot feel, it is not real, but fills you up,
With happy juice that floods your brain but leaves you with a dulling pain,
From the part of your rotting brain that remembers that you’ll die.

So dance desperately,
Dance desperately,
Dance desperately.

I can’t shake this feeling that I’m dead,
(Shake, Shake)
And there are only useless thoughts inside my useless head,
I can’t shake this feeling that I’m dead,
(Shake, Shake)
And I hope that someday I’ll be born again,
(Shake, shake)
I hope that someday I’ll be born again,
(Shake, shake)
I hope that someday I’ll be born again.
(Shake, shake)
(Shake, shake)
(Shake, shake)

(I've edited this since first posting it, sorry)

[Helena4]

I apologise to anyone who's been reading this and coming up with critique and then I changed it like 6 times. Sorry.

[Miguelrye89]

I actually enjoyed this one, though in my head I read it as a rock/danceable piece. I will definitely read again, but as of now I enjoyed it!

[Helena4]

I actually enjoyed this one, though in my head I read it as a rock/danceable piece. I will definitely read again, but as of now I enjoyed it!

Yeah I think thats the vibe. Thanks, dude.

[Paulski]

Hi Helena

I like the tension between those two words in the hook "Dance desperately".
Reminds me of the song "Dancing with Myself". There's sth pathetic about that scenario so you immediately empathise with the singer.
I wasn't keen on the "Shake" stanzas. Guess I'm thinking singing "shake" sort of fell out of fashion since the 50's and for me you wouldn't be singing "shake" if you were indeed dancing desperately . But maybe you'll bring the word back into favour

I enjoyed the read
cheers
Paul

[Helena4]

Hi Helena

I like the tension between those two words in the hook "Dance desperately".
Reminds me of the song "Dancing with Myself". There's sth pathetic about that scenario so you immediately empathise with the singer.
I wasn't keen on the "Shake" stanzas. Guess I'm thinking singing "shake" sort of fell out of fashion since the 50's and for me you wouldn't be singing "shake" if you were indeed dancing desperately . But maybe you'll bring the word back into favour

I enjoyed the read
cheers
Paul

True about those shake bits. I have no idea what I'm doing with those bits. I was just running with this line I came up with a few months ago "I can't shake this feeling that I'm dead/And there are only useless thoughts inside my useless head/I can't shake this feeling that I'm dead/And I hope that someday I'll be born again x3" I think that bit needs to become more something you could dance desperately to, as you said.

[Paulski]

Hi Helena

I like the tension between those two words in the hook "Dance desperately".
Reminds me of the song "Dancing with Myself". There's sth pathetic about that scenario so you immediately empathise with the singer.
I wasn't keen on the "Shake" stanzas. Guess I'm thinking singing "shake" sort of fell out of fashion since the 50's and for me you wouldn't be singing "shake" if you were indeed dancing desperately . But maybe you'll bring the word back into favour

I enjoyed the read
cheers
Paul

True about those shake bits. I have no idea what I'm doing with those bits. I was just running with this line I came up with a few months ago "I can't shake this feeling that I'm dead/And there are only useless thoughts inside my useless head/I can't shake this feeling that I'm dead/And I hope that someday I'll be born again x3" I think that bit needs to become more something you could dance desperately to, as you said.

I like the hookiness of the shake section - maybe it could be another song? This one already has some good hooks