[CaliaMoko]

I have several projects going at the same time...this one is a lyric for an existing [public domain] melody (although I'll probably change it some) to be used for a Relay For Life event with a theme of "purple".

Here's what I have at this point:

The evening sky in purple shades
Declares the close of day
The purples darken into grays
And the moon comes on display

The stars begin to twinkle as
The sky grows darker yet
While walkers wander round the tracks
A human interest money raising? trek.

I am interested in feedback on all aspects and parts of the lyric. I am happier with the first verse than the second verse, which needs serious work. The song needs to mention the color purple at least once and I think the first line is okay. And maybe the second line.

The biggest drawback to the first verse is how both rhymes are so close to the same (shades/grays and day/display). I did try "purple hues" for the first line, to prevent that problem, but didn't come up with a rhyme for "hues".

The second verse, I know, is not good. I'm trying to give the impression of the night passing by as people walk around the track to support the American Cancer Society's Relay For Life event.

I need to stick with the rhythm pattern of
da DA da DA da Da da DA
da DA da DA da DA

And, as you can see, the first "da" in a line could be "da da"

Anyone have any good ideas for me?

Vicki

[Skub]

The evening sky in purple shades
Declares the close of day
The purple darkens into black
And the moon begins display

The sun has dimmed,the stars grow bright
The universal laws
But those who walk,keep walking
They do it for the cause

Any help?

[Skub]

Money pledged and hopes are raised
Our efforts joined as one
We share a common goal and we
Will sleep when we are done

Giving freely of our time
We strive to help the others
Those who suffer,those in pain
Our sisters and our brothers

[CaliaMoko]

Skub...both of those have several promising ideas. Thanks! I'm pasting them into my lyric note to work on. What I especially like is that there's enough material now that I should be able to lengthen it. It was pretty short.

Thanks again! Back to work.... 
Vicki

[hardtwistmusic]

Just a suggestion:   Listen to the song "Woman Woman - (Have you Got Cheating On Your Mind)" by Gary Puckett and the Union Gap.

Without infringing on his song, you can use the basic flow of that song on the first two lines of your verse, and then vary the second two lines.  I immediately thought of that song when I saw your flow scheme, and it worked very well. 

Hope that helps. 

[CaliaMoko]

Verlon! Awesome idea. I had my melody already, but I didn't like the rhythm of it. Incorporating the feel of the Gary Puckett song improves it immensely. I can't wait to get a rough demo put together so I can show you how it's turning out. I don't think anyone would be able to recognize much of anything about the original song (Honest Colin) or the Gary Puckett song, but I seriously needed both to get what I will have when I'm done.

It's going a little slower than I'd like due to distractions like planting the garden, putting in a culvert so the farmers can get to their field, and making sure my mother gets fed. But it's coming along. Excuse me now, I have to take some tools down to the culvert project.

Vicki

[Paulski]

Hi Vicki

I, for one, don't like the word "purple" in a lyric. It sounds like a baby spitting up (or worse) .
Now, I realise you have no choice in the matter but maybe one of these so-called synonyms might work better (if you can bend the rules a bit?)

Burgundy, amethystine, damson, grape, heliotrope, hyacinth, lavender, lilac, livid, magenta, mauve, mulberry, orchid, pansy, plum, raisin, solferino, violet

BTW - doesn't "lavender" have a lovely assonance?

No help? Sorry
Paul

[CaliaMoko]

Paulski, I agree with you 100%. I think I probably have to use the word at least once, but maybe I could get by with synonyms for other instances. If it had been up to me, I would never have chosen "purple" as a theme for anything. I know that's the color they've always used to represent this event, but in the past they've always had themes like "more birthdays" and "hope" and others in the same vein.

Still, I had my chance to be in charge of the whole thing and I said no thank you very much, so I have to put up with whatever the in charge people come up with. (How's that for a couple of dangling participles? Or whatever that's called....)

Vicki

[CaliaMoko]

Okay, I'm getting closer. Combining my words with the suggestions, stirring them carefully and baking for 20 minutes gives me the following (still rather corny and has room for considerable improvement yet). What do you think? I've made a quick demo so you can hear my proposed melody.

It's inspired by a song so old it wasn't dated. The name of it is "Honest Colin" and you can get the music free from the Johns Hopkins music library (http://levysheetmusic.mse.jhu.edu/). You might be able to tell my music started out as that song if you played them both, but I'm not sure. The notes and chord progression have changed so much, it's pretty much a different song.

The demo is on my sound cloud account: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/purple-shades

Here are the edited and expanded words:

PURPLE SHADES

The evening sky in purple shades
Declares the close of day
The colors darken into grays
As the moon goes on display

The sun has set, the stars grow bright
And twinkle without pause
On all the walkers through the night
Committed to the cause
On all the walkers through the night
Committed to the cause

The luminaries light the path
And guide us to our goal
With inspiration round the track
We take a midnight stroll

We pledge to help with time and strength
We walk in league as one
We'll stay awake for this event
And sleep when we are done
We'll stay awake for this event
And sleep when we are done

[Opal fruit]

Hi Vicki,

The title is Purple Shades and you wanted Purple hues in the first line.

The body of the song seems to move onto walking which strays from the colour imo.

If the first two verses concentrated on colours, then the rest would fall into place but there's not much said about colour after the first verse.

This isn't brilliant but just a thought:

The evening sky in purple hues
Declares the close of day
The purples darken into blues
And the moon comes on display

The stars begin to twinkle as
The sky grows darker yet
To indigo from violet
When the sun began to set

I know its only the first two verses - but it seemed to make sense of your title.

Hope it helps a little.

Opal

[CaliaMoko]

Opal, thanks so much! You are correct; I was barely focused on the color theme at all. As mentioned earlier, I don't really like using "purple", so I suppose my brain was short changing it. Your suggestion is a very nice way to stay focused on the color theme for the first two verses. Then I can move to the purpose of the event, which is the walking around the track during the night.

As I have a mild case of OCD, I'll probably try to make your idea match my rhyme scheme, but I am training myself to be more flexible, so it's possible I'll just use it as is, if you don't mind. I don't think the song suffers at all if it loses the second verse I have at present.

Thanks a bunch!

[CaliaMoko]

Okay, I've been messing with the words, taking the suggestions in mind and juggling things around. It's still far from "good", but it'll probably do if I don't come up with anything better. If anyone has further ideas, feel free to let me know. Here's the words as they stand today:

The evening sky in purple hues
Declares the close of day
The purples darken into blues
The moon goes on display

To indigo from violet
The sky grows darker still
The stars begin to twinkle and
The frogs begin to trill
The stars begin to twinkle and
The frogs begin to trill

The luminaries (or flickering candles?) light the path
And guide us to our goal
With inspiration round the track
We take a midnight stroll

We pledge to help with time and strength
We walk in league as one
We'll stay awake for this event
And sleep when we are done
We'll stay awake for this event
And sleep when we are done


Thanks to Opal fruit, Paulski, hardtwistmusic, and Skub for your input. Whether you can tell or not, every comment gave me ideas that ended up in the lyric one way or another.

Vicki

[Sing4me88]

It's an interesting lyric fo'sure. I'm intrigued by the purple hues/shades for the sky. Purple isn't a colour you'd normally associate with the sky but I guess it feeds into the charity colour symbolism but even if this wasn't necessary I think it's a very clever concept changing the sky colour to purple. It intrigued me straight off. I could visually see a purple sky fading into blue - its a nice original twist on blue sky changing to grey. I'm kinda split on the moon on display line - on one level it's a nice natural close to the verse and adds to the night imagery on another I find it a little uninspiring and slightly out of sync with a really rich and vivid three preceding lines. It still works though so probably no need to change what isn't broken - I'm just being needlessly picky I guess because I loved the image rich lines before it!

The lyric reads quite well and I think there's some very effective use of repetition in the 'frogs will trill', 'sleep when this is done' lines.

[CaliaMoko]

Thanks, Sing4Me! You caught me on that 4th line of the 1st verse. This whole song, actually, has had a lot of weak lines and I'm not sure I can get them all strengthened up in time for Relay, but I think I've made some improvements, including an update to that pesky 4th line of the 1st verse, which I did after being inspired by your comment, and the addition of a third verse.

By the way, I don't like the name Purple Shades. That phrase doesn't even occur in the song. Anyone have any better ideas?

Here's the latest incarnation of the song:

Verse 1
The evening sky in purple hues
Declares the close of day
The colors darken into blues
The moon comes out to play

To indigo from violet
The sky grows darker till
The stars begin to twinkle and
The frogs begin to trill
The stars begin to twinkle and
The frogs begin to trill

Verse 2
We walk and wander 'round the track
And read the mem'ries there
And as we finish every lap
We say a little prayer

In honor of, in mem'ry of
The little candles gleam
Bright tokens of undying love
From every Relay team
Bright tokens of undying love
From every Relay team

Verse 3
The flick'ring candles light the way
We let our mem'ries flow
Although we start with hearts of clay
We feel a lightness grow

We pledge to help with time and strength
We walk in league as one
We'll stay awake for this event
And sleep when we are done
We'll stay awake for this event
And sleep when we are done


I know it's not recommended to need an explanation for lyrics but, since this song is specifically for Relay For Life, where the people will know what I'm talking about...here's an explanation for those of you not familiar with the American Cancer Society's Relay For Life event.

The event is designed to last for 12 hours, from evening until morning (because cancer never sleeps, so the walkers stay up all night in support of cancer victims). There's a track laid out for walking with small white paper bags lining both sides of the path. Each bag has a lit candle inside and is decorated on the outside in memory of a cancer victim who has died or in honor of a cancer patient who is still living, whether or not s/he still has cancer.

During the year before the event, people organize teams of up to about 15 people each. Then each team does fund-raising throughout the year for the American Cancer Society. These relay events take place all over the place.

The program organizer for our event this year asked for this song during a portion of the event called the Survivors' Walk. They have a little ceremony which ends with the song. The song is played over and over until everyone has walked all the way around the track, starting with the cancer survivors in attendance. I won't actually be attending Relay this year as I have a family reunion, and my family thinks I should go with them to that. So I will provide recordings of this song and the other one to be played in my absence.

[Sing4me88]

'Moon comes out to play' - much better. Communicates the same mesage but in a more original and unforeseen way. Clever clogs!