[Serotonin]

Not much of a singer sorry. Anyway I put this on a different forum and got mostly negative feedback so don't expect much. Just want to know what's wrong with it. It's actually longer but the recorded version cut out a couple of instrumental bits

https://soundcloud.com/serotonin-17/charcoal-statues

Lyrics:
Turn away to the bridge and count to ten
Close your eyes you'll never reach the end
You cannot escape your fate again
Once a memory with life and then

Blame the creatures that inside you grew
Retribution has no place for you
If you're lucky it's all over soon
If you struggle you are made into

CHORUS
Charcoal statues of apocalypse
Blue fire at your fingertips
Charcoal statues across the bridge
Faceless shadows dissolve in the wind

Eyes are open the world is gone
Somewhere between ten and one x2

Misery from above you drink it in
Plagues are manifest upon your skin
Bitter cursing of the fathers' sin
Bleeding close and from within

[Skub]

It's a gloomy one innit?  

I think the basic idea of the song would work if the listener had a break/middle eight,or even make the chorus stand out more by changing the guitar/tone/variation? One thing that does grate,is the drum loop. The lack of fills or any sort of variation and sympathetic playing that a drummer would employ are absent. With some songs that kind of robotic feel will work,but it just makes this one flat and lacking dynamics.

Looking back on what I've just typed reads very negative,but I don't wish to discourage you Serotonin,but rather offer possible solutions to make the best of your song.

I hope some of this helps.  

[Serotonin]

It's a gloomy one innit?  

Well it is about Hiroshima so XD

I think the basic idea of the song would work if the listener had a break/middle eight,or even make the chorus stand out more by changing the guitar/tone/variation? One thing that does grate,is the drum loop. The lack of fills or any sort of variation and sympathetic playing that a drummer would employ are absent. With some songs that kind of robotic feel will work,but it just makes this one flat and lacking dynamics.

Well, when I perform it there is a longer instrumental in the introduction (mainly based on that high note right at the beginning) and there is a gap where the instrumental repeats.

The drum loop was just a preset I think to get the timings down, I think in a more finished version I would want an orchestral bass drum with a much more distant and echoey sound if that makes sense.

Looking back on what I've just typed reads very negative,but I don't wish to discourage you Serotonin,but rather offer possible solutions to make the best of your song.

Honestly I much prefer the honesty, don't think you need to find some good if it's a bad song. To me, this is very boring and clunky, I'm fairly sure I'm going to scrap it altogether as people don't tend to like it. I just wanted to put it up as an example of what not to do.

[Movin Flavour]

There's not much wrong with the song.

The song conveys a message and does it well... Great guitars.

Like you say the only thing missing is strong  vocals, if you struggle this can be rectified somewhere in production. I think the production could add some echoes to the vocals which might improve it.

A lot of promise 👍👍👍👍

Sandeep

[MartynRich]

I agree with Sandeep. This is not a bad song by any means but it´s lacking more variation in the performance and vocal...the chorus is quite unusual as well and could become quite hooky with a bit of fine tuning. I think any negativity you got on the other forum came down to performance. They are obviously useless at recognising good songwriting, so feel free to stick around here 

You´ve got a unique sounding voice, but you drift out of tune on occasion (as we all mostly do) so you´ll need to practice that, especially in an exposed song like this. I also agree with some of Skubs comments, especially about the drum track. Give it some variation. Try some pauses here and there in the arrangement, some backing vocals, or maybe add some extra layers - it won´t take a lot and you´ll find people will hear a much more interesting track. Don´t dump it.

[IronKnee]

Hey there serotonin,
I think the guitar is great. The intro playing is an ear magnet.......nice rhythm, and nice playing. You just need to change it up a bit.
The melody and lyric is a bit obscure, however. The melody is underdeveloped, and the lyric....well, I like "charcoal statues" but would like the supporting lyric to better define, in a poignant manner, what the charcoal statues represent.
As I said, the guitar is very cool........
                                                             -Tom

[Wolfcub]

I like a darker song and you got right with this, awesome song really like that guitar.

[diademgrove]

I think the verses are really well done. My problem is with the chorus. Apart from the line Blue fire at your fingertips, which I think is really strong lyrically and musically, the rest seems to have too many syllables and you seem to be racing to getting everything in. This for me goes against the rhythm and sentiments of the song.

Just my suggestion but I'd try

Statues of the apocalypse
Blue fire at your fingertips
Statues walk across the bridge
then dissolve into the wind

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Keith

[richardyot]

I like this - it reminds of early 90s US indie stuff like Beat Happening/Daniel Johnson/Shimmy Disc. I like the vocal, it's full of character, and gives the track a left-field slant.

The chorus melody could be improved though, the way that the words "charcoal statues" is delivered isn't that appealing, but the "fire at your fingertips" line is great, so just a small tweak to the first half of that line might really help to improve things.

But in terms of vibe and feel for me it's really great.

[Serotonin]

Thank you for the feedback everyone, I shall take it into account and maybe produce a full length recording with a few changes, see what people think of a more complete product

[Neil C]

Good title, nice sounding acoustic and like the chords.
Verse works with that repeating drum pattern, pehaps bring that down in the mix. I'm ok with your vocal and like the lyrics i can hear.

Less keen on the chorus on first hearing, theres something about the timing and notes which kind of jar with the mellow vibe, although you get used to it on second play. It sound more like like what you do with a powerful rock band behind it.

You're also need to take care of some timing of picking against the drum which never lie unfortunately..
Anyway dont bother with the other widest..
Hope this helps.
 
Neil