[Paulski]

Looking for any advice on improving this country lyric

She Never Asks

 - vs
 It's eight o'clock, the kids are all in bed
 She gets his dinner wrapped and in the fridge
 The dishes done, at last puts up her feet
 Tries to find something mindless on TV

 She's hears the engine shut down in the drive
 And the car keys jingle as he comes inside
 She has questions - where he's been? who he saw?
 But she never hears him answer them because..

 - ch
 She never asks what keeps him late
 She never asks him to explain
 The hint of perfume on his vest
 The scent of bourbon on his breath
 It's all the talk out on the street
 Everyone else knows he's a cheat
 But she'll be the last
 'Cause she never asks

 - vs
 He says he stopped to eat some take-out at his desk
 But his eyes betray him, saying something else
 She knows they can't live forever in this lie
 But she won't make accusations he'll deny

 She never asks what keeps him late
 She never asks him to explain
 The hint of perfume on his chest
 The scent of bourbon on his breath
 It's common knowledge in their town
 Everyone knows he fools around
 But she lets it pass
 And she never asks

 - M8
 Well she finally gets the courage up to leave
 Her little sister puts them up in Tennessee
 She soon finds a new love her kids adore
 And vows she'll never let dark secrets hid
 Like they did before...

 She never asked what kept him late
 She never asked him to explain
 The hint of perfume on his chest
 The scent of bourbon on his breath
 And now she wonders how he is
 And if he's come to have regrets
 But best to leave him in the past
 And never ask

 - tag
 He's now behind her in the past
 So she never asks.

[Neil C]

Paul,
Good solid write, storytelling suits idiom. interesting non rhyming scheme, its quite hard to write and I like the pass/asks rhyme in the pay-off line.
If i was being critical you don't quite get under the skin of the characters as to why but I'm not sure that mattes to much, when you get your larynx around them I'm sure it will sound fab.
 
Neil
 

[CaliaMoko]

I like the way you used your rhyme scheme to emphasize the unstable theme of this song. I know there's a word for that kind of almost-not rhyming, but I can never remember what it is. When I use it, it's usually because I'm having trouble coming up with better rhymes, but I've noticed you use it deliberately in songs where it underscores the type of story you're telling. I like it!

I have a nit or two, if you're interested....

Nit 1
This line:
She has questions - where he's been? and who he saw?

I don't think you need the word "and". In fact, I think it limits the idea. If you say, "where he's been? who he saw?" it feels more to me like there could be more that isn't stated. The "and" makes it feel like those two items are the whole list. To me, anyway. And I'm reading the whole thing for rhythm and, for me, the rhythm is still good without the "and".

Nit 2
This line:
She soon finds a new love that her kids adore

In my opinion, the word "that" is unnecessary. I think "She soon finds a new love her kids adore" is neater and tighter.

Nit 3
This line:
And vows to never let dark secrets hide

I can't explain this one very well, except to say the phrase "to never" always grates on my nerves (sorry, that's kind of extreme...). But I think "And vows she'll never let dark secrets hide" suits the idea better regardless of my shredded nerves. For one thing, you're referring back to the "she" at the beginning of the previous line, and we have the kids in between, so it's slightly (not too bad yet, but a little) far to refer.

Of course, all three of these nits are based on my personal opinions and preferences.

I particularly like how the wronged woman in this story took charge of her own fate and did something about it. I'm sure this will be great, like your work always is. Even though I'm no fan of country music. I like good music, regardless of genre.

Vicki

[Paulski]

Thanks for the feedback guys

@Neil

Cheers Neil - yeah nothing too deep here - hope ppl fill in their own details.

@CaliaMoko

Thanks Vicki. I agree with all three nits - has to be a record for me. I'm making those changes as I speak. Not really trying anything special rhyme-scheme wise - Just trying to avoid perfect rhymes. Glad it works though. Thanks again for the useful suggs.

[CaliaMoko]

It's a privilege to be of service.

BTW, I hope those wildfires are nowhere near you....

[hardtwistmusic]

I read this earlier, and something nagged at me about it.  

Finally figured it out.  I'm not sure why, but there is a "social conditioning" in me (could be an American/U.S. thing) that says the protagonist in a story should make things happen instead of just letting them happen.  

Things work out for  your protagonist more more as a matter of luck than anything else.  She's fortunate to have a place out of town to leave him.  Fortunate to (seemingly with ease) find a new guy who adores her kids.  She's fortunate enough to have options without actually confronting her problem.  

The one ACTION she performed was to leave him, which didn't really seem that difficult or wrenching for her.

The only problems she confronted were HIS problems.  His fault.  His weaknesses and vices.  And her manner of confronting them was to walk away/run away.  

Not really a confrontation at all.  More an avoidance.  I'm not saying that she made a bad choice to leave.  Suffering in silence, then leaving without ever expressing her feelings just seems passive aggressive and a little weak.    

Just didn't seem as admirable as confronting HIM for his behavior and giving the relationship a chance,   AND THEN GIVING UP only after trying everything reasonable.  

I guess what I'm feeling is that she'd be far easier to identify with if she overcame something impossibly difficult and became "impossible to not admire."  

It just seemed too easy for her for me to identify with her situation.  

Of course, this is a critique of your protagonist, not your song.... but your protagonist kind of IS the song.  Our identification with her is the whole point of the song.  If we don't admire her, what's the point?  

Even the last chorus is more of an avoidance (of her own feelings) than a meaningful confrontation (of those same feelings.)  She "wonders how he is" (She's a good decent person who is still concerned for him as a human being  -- but does nothing to express or satisfy her very natural curiosity about his well being.  "Better not to ask" the lyric says.  Everything in my mind is saying "Why is that better?"  

The most interesting thing about her is that she DOES still care about him in a very normal and positive way.  WHY is it "better" to leave her concern unexpressed?  It IS "easier" to leave that concern unexpressed.  But "easier" is seldom "better."  (BTW... that final chorus is a real opportunity for her to "come clean" and openly admit that she might have handled this more effectively should you decide the song should go that way.)  

The protagonist acknowledges (in a subtle way) that the "easy way out" isn't "better."  She "vows she'll never let dark secrets hide like they did before...)  She has learned that "suffering in silence" doesn't work.  She won't make that same mistake again.  

I would suggest seeing if others find that to be so by specifically raising that question.  If it's just me, then no problem with the lyric.  If it's a lot of people, then it might be a good idea to react to it and add some more context.  

I hope the excessive length of this, and my negative reaction to it doesn't seem oppressive. The critique is longer (by far) than the song.   I just think your protagonist could be fleshed out to make a far more interesting lyric if she "took the bull by the horns" somewhere in the lyric.    

[Vintage54]

    Hi Paulski,
      Not a whole lot wrong with this that i can see. But if it was my song, i would do a little cutting. For instance the first two verses i would approach something like this.

                   It's eight o clock, the kids are in bed
                   His dinner is wrapped in the fridge
                   The dishes are done, she puts up her feet
                   And watches some mindless tv

                   She hears the engine in the drive
                   The jingle of keys, as he steps inside
                   She has a question, where have you been?
                   But there is no answer because

           And so on if you get my drift. The chorus is fine as it is, i wouldn't do any cutting there.
           It's a solid write, as ever, and that's my advice for what it's worth.

                                 Vintage54

[Paulski]

Hi Verlon

Thanks for taking the time to writing down your thoughts.
Very interesting how different ppl interpret a lyric
In my (tiny brain, this is a song about denial more than anything else. I don't particularly want people to like the woman in the story, just to relate to why she might behave like this. Everyone goes through a denial phase for traumatic events IMO. She knows he's cheating on her but "she lets it pass" and many of us do the same for things we haven't yet accepted as fact.

As far as whether she should have tried to make it work, I don't think people would necessarily expect that of her and it's a risk he was willing to take by his transgressions - so I don't think he's going to garner much sympathy for getting dumped. And by thinking about him after she's moved on, she shows (to me) that she is (still) a caring person.

Would be interesting to hear a female perspective on the plot - as with most country songs, it is written with a female audience in mind

Thanks again Verlon - you've given me pause for thought as usual.
Paul

[CaliaMoko]

As far as a female perspective on the plot...mine may not be representative. I can't imagine waiting around passively for the problem to go away. If I were in that situation, I would probably know if his behavior was a result of his basic character, or if it was because there was something broken in the relationship that needed addressing. And would try to take appropriate action. I hope, anyway.

For the purposes of this lyric, I assumed the problem was his faulty character, that it was something she assumed (a lot of assuming going on here, of course) would go away after they were married, and she avoided confrontation because she knew there was no point in trying to fix the problem, and when she finally took control of her own life, she left.

No person is 100% bad, so he had at least one good quality that attracted her in the first place and it's because of this she occasionally wonders how he's doing. But she never checks in with him because it would just stir up problems she doesn't need. Maybe he would beg her to come back and promise never to do it again. But of course, his character being what it is, he would not be able to keep his promise. And she might worry she would have a weak moment.

That's the back story my brain invents when I read this lyric, and it, therefore, works for me.

[hardtwistmusic]

In my (tiny brain, this is a song about denial more than anything else. I don't particularly want people to like the woman in the story, just to relate to why she might behave like this. Everyone goes through a denial phase for traumatic events IMO. She knows he's cheating on her but "she lets it pass" and many of us do the same for things we haven't yet accepted as fact.

Would be interesting to hear a female perspective on the plot - as with most country songs, it is written with a female audience in mind

I kind of got that you weren't holding her up as admirable.... but not clearly.  The moment in your lyric when my identification with your protagonist got me into distress was when she was not going to make the same mistake this time (i.e. not hide her feelings.) 

That distressed me because I didn't believe her.  It seemed to me that she WAS going to make the same mistake again (and again.)  I was rooting for her to have gained something concrete that would be a tool to NOT keep passively accepting things that distressed her.   

Your protagonist is infinitely interesting because there are so many real versions of her.  Passive acceptance is sooooooo self damaging that I wanted your protagonist to overcome it. 

Vicki's perspective is interesting and revealing.  It was different than I thought it would be. 

I appreciate that you take this in the spirit it was intended.  I just find this subject fascinating, and thus, I find your take (and Vicki's take) on it really interesting.   

[Paulski]

Thanks Vicki and Verlon - some good discussion and great to hear different perspectives.

Cheers to Vintage as well for the visit and useful tips. Your version messes with my melody, but that's not a bad thing - maybe a better melody will emerge