[Oldbutyet]

Hi All

I wrote these lyrics a good few years back but only recoded them yesterday so maybe some of you will give the song a listen and let me know what you think, the song is just acoustic and vocals so good or bad dont hold back i can take it  thanks.

https://soundcloud.com/user-955135668/the-white-man-come


The White Man Come


Across their land they come

Their people they run

The slaughter has begun

Yeah the white man come

Men die fighting

Children die crying

Women die streaming

Yeah the white man come

------------------
Chorus
------------------

Bodies lie dying

The preacher stands crying

Salvation is your answer

Yeah the white man come

Minds fill with greed

Humans cries why me

Echoing sounds of slaughter

Yeah the white man come

-------------------
Chorus
--------------------

Across our World right now

Men Women Children they die

The slaughter goes on

But now, all colours come

Yes now, all colours come

-----------------
Chorus
-----------------

© copyright house all rights reserved

[JOdejo]

Hi,
I am going to be maybe a little rude, I'm sorry! But I'll tell you the things I would do differently, but it's your song so don't take it too serious or something:
First, I like the guitar, it's simple though nice strumming. Maybe the voice is a little too loud.
2 - it sounds like you use the same chord on the couplet's first and the third line. I could be wrong, but if you do; I would use an other chord on the third line. In my opinion, it gets a little bit the same because it repeats itself four times.
3 - when I first heard the chorus, I felt like you were running oit of breath. When it repeated I realised you weren't. But honestly, I don't really like the chorus. I do like the melodies, but I would sing longer "ooh's" and maybe one sentence. Maybe "the white man come"? Although then you use it pretty much. Just an idea. But maybe you did the short "ooh's" because of the song's setting?
4 - when the bridge came, I could hear that because of the melodies changing and stuff, but the lyrics seemed to me like a kinda "plot twist", which I like; but why dont you sing a little louder? You could create suspense by singing the song 'to' the bridge, like that's the peak you've been building up to from the beginning of the song.
5 - the end is a little abrupt, but that kinda fits the song. The shot at the end does good.
I may sound critcal right now but don't get me wrong: I like the idea of your song, the lyrics and melodies and guitar, just a few things!
Love,
JOdejo

[Oldbutyet]

Hi,
I am going to be maybe a little rude, I'm sorry! But I'll tell you the things I would do differently, but it's your song so don't take it too serious or something:
First, I like the guitar, it's simple though nice strumming. Maybe the voice is a little too loud.
2 - it sounds like you use the same chord on the couplet's first and the third line. I could be wrong, but if you do; I would use an other chord on the third line. In my opinion, it gets a little bit the same because it repeats itself four times.
3 - when I first heard the chorus, I felt like you were running oit of breath. When it repeated I realised you weren't. But honestly, I don't really like the chorus. I do like the melodies, but I would sing longer "ooh's" and maybe one sentence. Maybe "the white man come"? Although then you use it pretty much. Just an idea. But maybe you did the short "ooh's" because of the song's setting?
4 - when the bridge came, I could hear that because of the melodies changing and stuff, but the lyrics seemed to me like a kinda "plot twist", which I like; but why dont you sing a little louder? You could create suspense by singing the song 'to' the bridge, like that's the peak you've been building up to from the beginning of the song.
5 - the end is a little abrupt, but that kinda fits the song. The shot at the end does good.
I may sound critcal right now but don't get me wrong: I like the idea of your song, the lyrics and melodies and guitar, just a few things!
Love,
JOdejo

Hi JOdejo thanks for your thoughts on this and you're not been rude and i really do appreciate your honesty because that's what i want to hear.

These lyrics i wrote about thirty years back and like other lyrics i have every now and then they keep shouting "hey, when you going to record me"  or  "don't you walk away from me"  im not a guitar player all i know is the basic chords and i always record on one track guitar and vocals together, one help the other if you know what i mean and you're right about the first and third line same chord, i feel the song is still missing something maybe i need to give it a in your face attitude, i like what you're saying.

The chorus, i suppose the best way to explain the moment when i thought "yeah i think i might have something here"  is running but not just to hide fighting back against the power of the white man and their no good religious belief (apologize to religious believers but im not one of them)  

The bridge, i don't have a bridge on this song although you have me thinking now, i really like what you're saying  (seemed to me like a kinda "plot twist")  and (You could create suspense by singing the song 'to' the bridge)  im looking at the lyrics now and they're saying   "why didn't you think of that"

The shotgun sound at the end kind of felt right although im not to sure who fire it, i wrote these lyrics with the thoughts of the american indian in mind and i left out a verse because the song felt to boringly long and i wanted to get to the last verse and bring in a modern day reality to it.

Thanks again JOdejo you have really giving me food for thought on this song and as my old indian friend would say "today is a good day"

Peace and love to you and all.

[hardtwistmusic]

I love the subject matter.  I like the lyric, but feel it could convey a little more frustration and fear.  Now I'll go and listen and see if that doesn't take care of those two criticisms.  Sometimes the music makes it all go away. 

[hardtwistmusic]

I've listened to the music, and (as I hoped) the music removes my objections to the lyric.  I LOVE the music.  It's so simple and direct that I hope you don't add much (if anything) to it.  If I were to cover it, (and I would like to) I would want the music just like it is.  

Here are some suggestions for the lyric:  Use any you like, and discard the rest. 

Once more I LOVE the concept and the performance more than delivers on the promise of the concept. 

The White Man Come


Across their land they come

Toward our lands Their people they run

The slaughter has begun

Yeah the white man come


Men die fighting

Children die crying

Women die streaming screaming.  

Yeah the white man come

------------------
Chorus
------------------

Bodies lie dying

Their preachers stands crying keep trying.  

Their Salvation won't save us.

Yeah the white man come


Gold Lust and Minds fill with greed

Why us?   Humans cries Why me?

They bring smallpox and slaughter genocide.

Yeah the white man come

-------------------
Chorus
--------------------

Across our World tonight right now

Men Women Children they die  We've surrendered every right.  

The slaughter The conquest goes on

But now, all colours come

Yes now, all colours come  All colours welcome but one.

-----------------
Chorus
-----------------

© copyright house all rights reserved
[/quote]

[Cove]

Hey Pat!!...Good to hear from you..I keep losing you!
I really like the song..It has a great feel and message and your delivery is great.
one suggestion one the bridge..instead of sayin oooh the white man come every time..how about using a native American language one time maybe at the end.

for example in the Comanche language
Rosa = white
tenapu=man
kia=come

nah ney nah ney ney rosa tenapu kia

just a thought

[hardtwistmusic]

Hey Pat!!...Good to hear from you..I keep losing you!
I really like the song..It has a great feel and message and your delivery is great.
one suggestion one the bridge..instead of sayin oooh the white man come every time..how about using a native American language one time maybe at the end.

for example in the Comanche language
Rosa = white
tenapu=man
kia=come

nah ney nah ney ney rosa tenapu kia

just a thought

Do you know Comanche Language?   That would be soooooo cool.  Are you an authority on "things Comanche?"  That would be cooler still. 

Easily the most interesting of the North American Tribes.  Called the "Spartans of the Plains," by some and called "The finest light cavalry in the world" by no less an authority than William Tecumseh Sherman. 

Fascinating people.

[Oldbutyet]

I've listened to the music, and (as I hoped) the music removes my objections to the lyric.  I LOVE the music.  It's so simple and direct that I hope you don't add much (if anything) to it.  If I were to cover it, (and I would like to) I would want the music just like it is.  

Here are some suggestions for the lyric:  Use any you like, and discard the rest. 

Once more I LOVE the concept and the performance more than delivers on the promise of the concept. 

The White Man Come


Across their land they come

Toward our lands Their people they run

The slaughter has begun

Yeah the white man come


Men die fighting

Children die crying

Women die streaming screaming.  

Yeah the white man come

------------------
Chorus
------------------

Bodies lie dying

Their preachers stands crying keep trying.  

Their Salvation won't save us.

Yeah the white man come


Gold Lust and Minds fill with greed

Why us?   Humans cries Why me?

They bring smallpox and slaughter genocide.

Yeah the white man come

-------------------
Chorus
--------------------

Across our World tonight right now

Men Women Children they die  We've surrendered every right.  

The slaughter The conquest goes on

But now, all colours come

Yes now, all colours come  All colours welcome but one.

-----------------
Chorus
-----------------

© copyright house all rights reserved

[/quote]

Thanks Verlon, yeah if you want to record this go ahead and use what you have or change whatever you want to change, looking forward to it.

(the music removes my objections to the lyric) 

I think i understand what you mean, one of the problems i always had with these lyrics was the line The White Man Come and how that would be seen in the song, i like to think i see it from both sides the same with the line All Colours Come but that probably doesn't come across that way, but for me and the way i want to sing it the song wouldn't work without that line but as i said if you want to record this go ahead change whatever you want to change, hope you do looking forward to it.

Thanks again Verlon.

[Oldbutyet]

Hey Pat!!...Good to hear from you..I keep losing you!
I really like the song..It has a great feel and message and your delivery is great.
one suggestion one the bridge..instead of sayin oooh the white man come every time..how about using a native American language one time maybe at the end.

for example in the Comanche language
Rosa = white
tenapu=man
kia=come

nah ney nah ney ney rosa tenapu kia

just a thought

Hi Toney

No more losing me im back on the recording trail, had other thing on my mind for the past few months but will definitely be in touch very soon, stay with me friend.

I like the idea the native American language always had thoughts of that in some way that indicates their present in the song, i think that would make the song.

Glad you like it Toney and talk soon.

[pompeyjazz]

Hi Pat. I liked it. Sounded pretty Dylanesque to me. I don't quite know if the huh huh works or not for me. Only other suggestion would be to drop the vocs volume a little to bring the guitar more into play. Good song

John

[PaulAds]

I like it.

Love the sentiments behind it and thought the lyrics carry the song along really well.

I love the fact that songs like this are being put out there...although I often think the people who need to hear this kind of thing probably never will...

Nice work, my friend

Ps

 Wasn't it William "uncle billy" Sherman - with his penchant for total war - who said "the only good Indians I ever saw were dead"?

[hardtwistmusic]

 Wasn't it William "uncle billy" Sherman - with his penchant for total war - who said "the only good Indians I ever saw were dead"?

That was (in fact) William Tecumseh Sherman who (presumably first) said that.  It's what makes history so fascinating that one man could say "The only good Indian I ever saw was dead" and then call the Comanches the "finest light cavalry in the world." 

[Cove]

 Wasn't it William "uncle billy" Sherman - with his penchant for total war - who said "the only good Indians I ever saw were dead"?

That was (in fact) William Tecumseh Sherman who (presumably first) said that.  It's what makes history so fascinating that one man could say "The only good Indian I ever saw was dead" and then call the Comanches the "finest light cavalry in the world." 

I used to know a little bit of the Comanche language but, have forgotten most of what I knew...Many years ago I was in the Air Force with a Native Comanche and picked up a little on the language from him..He went by the name of Two Dogs.

[PaulAds]

Thanks, Verlon...I wasn't sure if it was him or Phil Sheridan.

I love those old Hollywood movies where they try to construct a historical narrative to justify, gloss over or misrepresent some of the worlds most uncomfortable truths.

Great song...great topic too 

[Movin Flavour]

Hi Pat,

I like the message of the song, your raw voice captures the energy of the message.

The guitars complement your voice well.

Maybe the guitars are a bit repetitive and maybe you can change them a little in either the chorus or verse.

Overall I liked the song.

Sandeep