I'm A Liar

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KaelJay

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« on: May 02, 2016, 07:03:07 AM »
Hi guys ;D! I've been really busy lately with other things, so I couldn't write much lyrics than I used to.

During my writing, I wrote lyrics that reflected my childhood personalities/self and things that happened when I was a kid. This one is about me when I was young. I was a huge liar and faker as a little kid. I got good at it too. But then one day, I had to realize something about it. I'd appreciate a review/critique/comment on this. Hope you like it! ;)

I'm A Liar

Verse 1:
I know what honour is
I just don't seem to know how to use it
The truth gives one true bliss
If only I had that kind of merit

I don't know how it feels
To live with integrity and no doubts
I don't know if it's real
It's a conspiracy yet to be found

Chorus:
And I'm A Liar
Shoot straight lies like I'm a gun
I call out fire
Even if there isn't one

And I'm a liar
There's no sheep going astray
I'm like an actor
I just pretend; my life is fake

I'm a liar
There's no fire

Verse 2:
I've stolen jewelry
And exchanged it in a little pawn shop
Really needed money
So I hide the secret in my chest box

That's where I put my sins
Of all the skipping and ditching school time
I've quaffed bottles of gin
I drank them when I was skipping school time

(Repeat Chorus)

Bridge:
The truth is alive
And surely it's something I can attain
Yes, for me no more lies
If I just believe I truly can change.

(Repeat Chorus)

« Last Edit: May 06, 2016, 02:25:11 AM by KaelJay »

Opal fruit

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« Reply #1 on: May 02, 2016, 10:36:23 AM »
Hi,

For some reason, I thought this was going to have a fun element.  The fact it didn't made it quite sad, since its something that was a part of your childhood.

It needs more, in my opinion.  Like what lies you told and why maybe.

I'll be honest, I didn't understand how you put your words together either.  But a good start with this would be to give it more detail.

Hope more constructive comments from the experienced.

Opal





CaliaMoko

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« Reply #2 on: May 02, 2016, 03:24:51 PM »
Hi KaelJay,

This is an interesting song topic, and I have some ideas for you, but I'm not sure of your intention. Can I assume the story you're telling with your lyric goes something like this:

I was a liar as a child.
I was good at it.
Then one day I came to realize I should change.
I'm not sure I can change.
I really want to change.

And then leave it without a true resolution as to whether you accomplished the change or not.

Is that an accurate interpretation of what you want your lyric to say?

KaelJay

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« Reply #3 on: May 03, 2016, 04:57:38 AM »
Hi,

For some reason, I thought this was going to have a fun element.  The fact it didn't made it quite sad, since its something that was a part of your childhood.

It needs more, in my opinion.  Like what lies you told and why maybe.

I'll be honest, I didn't understand how you put your words together either.  But a good start with this would be to give it more detail.

Hope more constructive comments from the experienced.

Opal


Hi Opal!

Thank you for the helpful comments, I appreciate it.

I'd like to know which parts you didn't understand. To me, I thought that suggestion/comment seems to be helpful.

The title suggests I'd would be a fun song, but it is a very dismal theme/idea.

Thanks for the comment! :D

Mikael

diademgrove

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« Reply #4 on: May 04, 2016, 10:42:07 PM »
Hi KaelJay,

I think the chorus has potential but the verses don't do it for me, sorry. For me the chorus is a challenge, I'm a liar, so what? The verses seem to say I'd rather not be one. A better song would be to use the verses to highlight some of your lies. For example, I said I'd love you then I left you at the church, etc.

I'm not sure if you have any music to go with the words but I couldn't hear a snappy chorus. I would have tried something a bit more rhythmic:

I'm A Liar
Shooting lies like
bullets from
a machine gun
I call out fire
call out fire
Even when there isn't one

I'm a liar
I'm a liar
I'm on fire
I'm on fire
I'm a liar


Your lyrics have a lot of potential.

Feel free to ignore my suggestions if you disagree.

Keith

KaelJay

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« Reply #5 on: May 05, 2016, 06:17:44 AM »
Hi KaelJay,

This is an interesting song topic, and I have some ideas for you, but I'm not sure of your intention. Can I assume the story you're telling with your lyric goes something like this:

I was a liar as a child.
I was good at it.
Then one day I came to realize I should change.
I'm not sure I can change.
I really want to change.

And then leave it without a true resolution as to whether you accomplished the change or not.

Is that an accurate interpretation of what you want your lyric to say?

Hi Vicki!

Yes, that was the idea of the story. But I now wondered why you question it. t seems there must be some problem in it. Would love to hear more!

Mikael

KaelJay

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« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2016, 06:22:59 AM »
Hi KaelJay,

I think the chorus has potential but the verses don't do it for me, sorry. For me the chorus is a challenge, I'm a liar, so what? The verses seem to say I'd rather not be one. A better song would be to use the verses to highlight some of your lies. For example, I said I'd love you then I left you at the church, etc.

I'm not sure if you have any music to go with the words but I couldn't hear a snappy chorus. I would have tried something a bit more rhythmic:

I'm A Liar
Shooting lies like
bullets from
a machine gun
I call out fire
call out fire
Even when there isn't one

I'm a liar
I'm a liar
I'm on fire
I'm on fire
I'm a liar


Your lyrics have a lot of potential.

Feel free to ignore my suggestions if you disagree.

Keith


Hello Keith!

The example of the lies theme/idea may be a rust for me, but I think it would be cool too. I'm not quite sure of your version of your chorus. I think you're thinking of it as a somewhat 'jumpy' or 'fast', if those are right words to describe it. I think of it as a more ballad-theme on it. But very interesting thought.

Mikael

KaelJay

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« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2016, 06:32:48 AM »
And just a reminder that I edited and added some parts of it

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2016, 05:15:59 PM »
Hi Mikael,

Oh dear, now I need to remember what I was thinking when I wrote that. I've been under the influence of pain meds, but my brain is clear now. I'll just start from scratch and see what happens. :D  I haven't read through the rest of the comments, so if I repeat anything, bear with me.

Verse 1:
I know what honour is
I just don't seem to know how to use it
The truth give gives one true bliss
If only I had that kind of merit


The line "The truth gives one true bliss" feels awkward or forced to me. I wonder if there is a better way to get the point across? Or maybe it's just me. That's always a good possibility!

I don't know how it feels
To live with integrity and no doubts
I don't know if it's real
It's a conspiracy yet to be found


I like the first two lines of that quite a bit. It shows he thinks it might be possible to live with integrity but he never has and I even feel like he's saying he thinks the whole idea of integrity might just be a conspiracy.

That being said, I have trouble with the "conspiracy" line. I think it's a little awkward or abrupt after the preceding line. Maybe something like "Or if it's a conspiracy I've yet to find out" would work? That's too many syllables, but maybe it'll give you other ideas. Maybe a synonym for conspiracy, like plot, scheme, ploy, trick, ruse, racket....?

Chorus:
And I'm A Liar
Shoot straight lies like I'm a gun
I call out fire
Even if there isn't one

And I'm a liar
There's no sheep going stray astray
I'm like an actor
I can pose and be some fake

I'm a liar
There's no fire


I'm looking at lines 7-8 of the chorus. The line, "I can pose and be some fake" sounds very awkward to me. Unfortunately, I'm having trouble thinking of
much for alternatives. One possibility comes to mind: " I just pretend; my life is fake."

Verse 2:
I've stolen jewelry
And exchanged it in a little pawn shop
Really needed money
So I hide the secret in my chest box

That's where I put my sins
Of all the skipping and ditching school time
I've drank bottles of gin
I drank them when I was skipping school time


To avoid using the word "drank" twice so close together, you could try something like "I've quaffed bottles of gin", although that sounds a little pretentious.... Just an idea.

Bridge:
The truth will be out there
I'll grab and hold onto it 'til the end
The truth will be somewhere
If I just believe I can really truly mend


I like how this verse reveals the singer's belief that it IS possible to have integrity and he can change if he just believes in himself. I would be interested in seeing this part make it sound like the truth is here right now rather than it "will be" out there sometime in the future. Maybe something like:

The truth is alive
And surely it's something I can attain
Yes, for me no more lies
If I just believe I truly can change.

Anyway, that's just some ideas I had when I read through the lyric. Do with them whatever you like. Or nothing. Whatever. ;) I like the idea of a song about a chronically dishonest person who decides he can change and trying to make a commitment to do that, so I am looking forward to the finished product.

Vicki

KaelJay

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« Reply #9 on: May 06, 2016, 02:21:03 AM »
Hi Mikael,

Oh dear, now I need to remember what I was thinking when I wrote that. I've been under the influence of pain meds, but my brain is clear now. I'll just start from scratch and see what happens. :D  I haven't read through the rest of the comments, so if I repeat anything, bear with me.

Verse 1:
I know what honour is
I just don't seem to know how to use it
The truth give gives one true bliss
If only I had that kind of merit


The line "The truth gives one true bliss" feels awkward or forced to me. I wonder if there is a better way to get the point across? Or maybe it's just me. That's always a good possibility!

I don't know how it feels
To live with integrity and no doubts
I don't know if it's real
It's a conspiracy yet to be found


I like the first two lines of that quite a bit. It shows he thinks it might be possible to live with integrity but he never has and I even feel like he's saying he thinks the whole idea of integrity might just be a conspiracy.

That being said, I have trouble with the "conspiracy" line. I think it's a little awkward or abrupt after the preceding line. Maybe something like "Or if it's a conspiracy I've yet to find out" would work? That's too many syllables, but maybe it'll give you other ideas. Maybe a synonym for conspiracy, like plot, scheme, ploy, trick, ruse, racket....?

Chorus:
And I'm A Liar
Shoot straight lies like I'm a gun
I call out fire
Even if there isn't one

And I'm a liar
There's no sheep going stray astray
I'm like an actor
I can pose and be some fake

I'm a liar
There's no fire


I'm looking at lines 7-8 of the chorus. The line, "I can pose and be some fake" sounds very awkward to me. Unfortunately, I'm having trouble thinking of
much for alternatives. One possibility comes to mind: " I just pretend; my life is fake."

Verse 2:
I've stolen jewelry
And exchanged it in a little pawn shop
Really needed money
So I hide the secret in my chest box

That's where I put my sins
Of all the skipping and ditching school time
I've drank bottles of gin
I drank them when I was skipping school time


To avoid using the word "drank" twice so close together, you could try something like "I've quaffed bottles of gin", although that sounds a little pretentious.... Just an idea.

Bridge:
The truth will be out there
I'll grab and hold onto it 'til the end
The truth will be somewhere
If I just believe I can really truly mend


I like how this verse reveals the singer's belief that it IS possible to have integrity and he can change if he just believes in himself. I would be interested in seeing this part make it sound like the truth is here right now rather than it "will be" out there sometime in the future. Maybe something like:

The truth is alive
And surely it's something I can attain
Yes, for me no more lies
If I just believe I truly can change.

Anyway, that's just some ideas I had when I read through the lyric. Do with them whatever you like. Or nothing. Whatever. ;) I like the idea of a song about a chronically dishonest person who decides he can change and trying to make a commitment to do that, so I am looking forward to the finished product.

Vicki

Hi Vicki!

I totally agree with many things you've said. Lots of flaws that could be fixed.

Verse 1:
I'm with you with the line; 'the truth gives one true bliss'. It's meaning is that 'if you are honest, you live free - no secrets'. I'm not sure if awkward is the right word, but it is forced. I can't think much of a substitute for it.

The last line of Verse 1, 'it's a conspiracy yet to be found' is not much of a issue. It's about 'finding the meaning of truth'. My only problem is that it doesn't feel 'powerful' (if that's the right word) to connect or move to the Chorus.

Chorus:
I like your suggestion of changing 'I can pose and be some fake' to 'I just pretend; my life is fake'. It's not awkward, but forced.

Verse 2:
I guess I could change one of the 'drank' into quaffed', but it's no big issue. Good thinking though.

Bridge:
Your suggestion is perfect! A great alternative to mine. Gosh, you're so good on writing and thinking good stuff.

Thank you so much for commenting and helping me polish and suit my lyrics into perfection. Maybe we could work on some lyrics? How 'bout that? Thanks again!

Mikael

KaelJay

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« Reply #10 on: May 06, 2016, 02:26:55 AM »
Another reminder that I made more changes in the lyrics. Special thanks to Vicki (CaliaMoko) who gave lots of good ideas ;D

Paulski

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« Reply #11 on: May 06, 2016, 07:35:49 PM »
I thought this has a great hook and would make a nice angry pop song (if that's a genre).
For me the liar/fire rhyme was over-cooked way back when the Doors did "Light my Fire" but maybe the young'uns won't remember it and won't think it cliché.

The only sugg I have is to be the gun, not be like the gun:

Quote
Shooting lies, I'm a gun

Paul

KaelJay

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« Reply #12 on: May 07, 2016, 10:26:16 PM »
I thought this has a great hook and would make a nice angry pop song (if that's a genre).
For me the liar/fire rhyme was over-cooked way back when the Doors did "Light my Fire" but maybe the young'uns won't remember it and won't think it cliché.

The only sugg I have is to be the gun, not be like the gun:

Quote
Shooting lies, I'm a gun

Paul
th

Hi Paul!

I may have to disagree with your suggestion of the be/like a gun comment. The character does not want to be a liar, but he just is. So like a gun would make more sense.

Mikael