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Why don't you love Me

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ShinyThang

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« on: April 09, 2016, 11:29:20 AM »
I don't think I've ever posted in this section before but, I'm starting to bore myself with this one! I kind-a like it. It's fun to play. I reckon it would work well in a three-piece blues band (idealy one with a brass section). But it needs a lift (to the dump probably). I'm suffering.

This is a dead ruff recording arranged with scissors and Sellotape but I know a couple of 'ol boys who might be interested in recording it properly-ish for me when I'm happy with it. I like the lyric but the vocal melody is boring boring boring and there's something very out of tune about 'future' in the line 'I'm not thinkin' 'bout the future' (other out-of-tune examples are available) but I've tried alternatives and they all sound even worse. Perhaps I've got the wrong chord under it (Am7)? I'm trying to sing an 'A' ... should work shouldn't it?  but it sounds so flat. 

https://soundcloud.com/geoffjamesevans/why-dont-you-love-me

Lyric:

Why don't you love me like you used to
Why don't you comfort  me tonight
I can see just what you're thinkin'
It's alright 

You can leave me in the mornin'
You can stay all summer long
Let our friends do all the talkin'
And get it wrong

I'm not thinkin' 'bout the future
I'm not livin' in the past
I'm just right here in this moment
Knowing it won't last
 
I'll take love where it finds me
Where it found me once before
And I'll put my blues behind me
And think of them no more

I'm not saying that I'm loneley
I'm not saying I need a friend
I'm just askin' you to love me
Once again
They're, there, their  ...  They're all different!

www.soundcloud.com/geoffjamesevans


ShinyThang

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« Reply #2 on: April 09, 2016, 12:51:17 PM »
Thanks for the heads-up - try it now (it was marked private 'cos I'm stupid!)
They're, there, their  ...  They're all different!

www.soundcloud.com/geoffjamesevans

MartynRich

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« Reply #3 on: April 09, 2016, 01:04:30 PM »
The start reminds me of Gary Moore-style blues without the shredding...

I don't think there is much wrong with this that a bit more oomph and grittier vocal style couldn't sort out. You may be bored with it because of the production, which makes it sound a little softer than it needs to in this style. As for the chord sequences, especially in the transition chords between vocal lines, try some Major 7ths instead of minors - that can give a nice change to the feel. The bass solo at the end also felt a little unecessary.

Try it again with a more rolling bass line (4 on the floor etc), and give the vocals a bit more thump...I think it has the potential to sound really good.

CaliaMoko

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« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2016, 01:49:59 AM »
No, don't take it to the dump. Maybe you just need some space from the song. Unless you've already tried taking a break from it? "Future" didn't sound flat to me, by the way.

I think it's close to what I think you want. It just needs a little more intensity, if that makes sense. Work the lyrics a little more. I don't know how to explain what I mean, unfortunately. It's a good song and just needs a little more messing with it.

That's my opinion, anyway. I hope it comes together in a satisfying way for you.

Vicki

Marrianna

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« Reply #5 on: May 04, 2016, 06:40:03 PM »
Hi,

I agree with the points that MartynRich has made.

and

I like the song because it is clear and sung well.

I had a couple of thoughts , which were, that you could try try quickening the tempo slightly and then, when you actually feel happy with it yourself, sing it again sounding as though you have more belief in what you are singing.
 It would be good to hear what you do with it because I don't think it should 'go to the dump'  :)

Good Luck
Marrianna
« Last Edit: May 04, 2016, 07:14:56 PM by Marrianna »

PaulAds

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« Reply #6 on: May 04, 2016, 09:29:11 PM »
There's something about this that I really like...

The only thing I'd suggest is to get more on top of the vocal...so you're more in control of it...rather than being slightly behind it as it is now... Does that make any sense?

Nice song, anyway :)
heart of stone, feet of clay, knob of butter

adamfarr

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« Reply #7 on: May 05, 2016, 11:30:20 AM »
All sounds good to me. I don't hear what you hear in "future".

What I would do is select the part that is the key to the song and change the melody just slightly. So let's say the last verse is the culmination (which is should probably be). So I would take the melody up instead of down on "lone" (of lonely) (sung with feeling) and "once again" (descending from once). This brings out those words and would catch the ear. I think it wants to go that way. If it works I might do the same on "future" verse.

So near - time for a final push...

delb0y

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« Reply #8 on: May 05, 2016, 09:28:50 PM »
Sounds good to me! I think (but am not sure) that there might be a couple of pitchy moments - but I don't think the melody or chords need changing, probably just a couple of vocal takes.

To me this is a little too nice - this style can go the Gary Moore shredding way where the guitar becomes the star, or the Robert Cray laid-back blues where the vocals are more the main thing (although Robert can pick a string very well). Here it falls a little between the cracks. I'd get your good old boys to give it a go. As a song it's fine, just needs a smoking performance.
West Country Country Boy

pompeyjazz

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« Reply #9 on: May 05, 2016, 10:29:44 PM »
Shinythang. Loved this man. Thought there was great scope for doo wop vocals. Love to have a crack at that if you're into it ? Pm me if you're interested. Cheers John.

ShinyThang

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« Reply #10 on: May 22, 2016, 07:29:59 AM »
Thank you everyone for your comments. I had almost given up but you have helped me to keep going with this one. Seems most of you think it's the vocal that needs improvement so that's what I'll be concentrating on. 

MartynRich:
Yeah, I listened to Gary a lot. Always liked his more sensitive playing as opposed to when he let rip. Bass solo has gone now (not on SC). I'm interested in the m7 suggestion. Been trying to learn about cord comping to get to know what would work but the science escapes me. I guess I'll just thrash around till something works. Maybe I should get drunk and sing the vocal the morning after. voice used to sound better for that but, I don't get drunk these days. I don't know what '4 on the floor' means but it sounds good so I'll be looking that up. This was my first attempt at doing the bass on a real bass and I was finding root notes roughly in time was hard enough!

CaliaMoko:
I think you're right. This is a simple song that will work if delivered with real feeling though I still feel it needs that mid eight to break up the repetitive structure. I think back to how my mates and I used to write as a band and work out songs like this in a rehearsal room at full belt.

Marrianna:
I kind-a like the throttled-back feel of this song actually. To me it's like cruising in a fast car... everyone knows you could open it up but keeping a lid on is cool too. Thank you for the comment about the clarity of the singing. I always think 'what's the point of a lyric if no one can make it out?' I agree about the sincerity of the singing though. I feel I've become better than I was at that but still lack conviction. I live in a quiet hamlet out in the country. I doubt anyone can hear me anywhere in the house but I still seek out the most 'insulated' room and even then sing like everyone's listening in. Confidence is needed and a to-hell-with-em attitude! ... as long as that's alright with them of course!

PaulAds:
Thanks. Glad you like it. It seems that, for most people here it's all about the vocal delivery I do need to practice on that instrument.

adamfarr:
I like your suggestion for lifting the vocal melody on a key verse. The last verse is a sort of summary saying 'let's do it and not make a fuss about it'. I need to try out some variations and see what comes out.

delbOy:
I think there are many 'jazz' notes in the vocal. No, not intentional just wrong! Everyone seems to have focused on the vocal and I think that is because it IS what needs improving here. This has helped me to properly realise that. I love Gary Moore but couldn't possibly emulate him. What I want with this one is a nice, tight backing with an interesting but unspectacular guitar all supporting the vox (the weakest of all my weak points). But I'm going to try to pull it off.

pompy:
PM sent. I've been incommunicado (just down the road from cognito). Glad you liked it. Show me what you got! no one's ever covered one of my songs before.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2016, 10:02:39 AM by ShinyThang »
They're, there, their  ...  They're all different!

www.soundcloud.com/geoffjamesevans

MartynRich

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« Reply #11 on: May 22, 2016, 12:27:30 PM »
I'm interested in the m7 suggestion. Been trying to learn about cord comping to get to know what would work but the science escapes me.

7th chords add great colour to songs, especially the blues where they are pretty standard. I have never bothered with the science of it either, I just play around until I find something that sounds good. For example, play a simple 12 bar sequence in A minor, which if you believe the science would involve D minor and E minor. Try replacing the E minor with E Major7th and when you go back to the last A minor, make it an A minor7th. It adds a whole new dimension to the sequence and makes real subtle changes to the whole dynamic of the song. I think this one in particular would benefit from some changes like that. Also, you don't have to do it every time, just throw them in there when you feel like it.

Neil C

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« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2016, 10:45:33 PM »
Neat song, nothing wrong wrong with it in terms of melody and chords. Enjoyed it. I think you need to just work out whether you're going mellow jazzy or more burning rock as has been said Gary Moore style, which the drums hint at.
Anyway look forward to hearing where you take it.
 :)
Neil 
songwriter of no repute..

lubeck

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« Reply #13 on: July 07, 2016, 11:54:28 PM »
I've liked it, especially the guitar sound. Reminds me of some 70's american bands. I think the song is mostly there, but if you want to change some things, then, go for it. As long as you think you take the good choice, then it's all good. ;)