[igg]

I wrote this a few monthas ago and I've just about finished the music for this one and I wanted to get your impressions of the lyrics.....


A New Heart of Steel
by Igg

VERSE 1
Hammer and tongs, he beats out the rhythm
Sparks fill the air as he strikes the hot steel
over and over, folding the metal
forging himself ...........a new heart of steel
Beating and shaping.. his new heart of steel

VERSE 2
The sigh of the bellows, the coals glowing brighter
Burning through colors from red hot to white
The river of sweat that pours from his body
Steams as it touches......his new heart of steel
It steams and it hisses......this new heart of steel

CHORUS:
One blow for anger
A blow for the pain
And each blow to show
That he won't love again

VERSE 3
Two hours past midnight, the anvil's still ringing
His pain and his fury keep pushing him on
Once he loved deeply, a heart freely given
But now he quenches.... this new heart of steel
Cooling and hardening..... his new heart of steel

BRIDGE/INSTRUMENTAL:
Pale yellow moonlight outlines his body
The stars in the heavens... lean in to cry
They watch as he beats out his wild lonely rhythm
His grunts and his curses..... filling the sky

CHORUS:
One blow for anger
A blow for the pain
And each blow to show
That he won't love again


VERSE 4
The dawn finally quiet, the forge filled with ashes
He sits with his back to the stone as it cools
His eyes stare out empty, not seeing the sunrise
He holds in his hands ..... his new heart of steel
Sobbing he sits .... with a heart that can't feel

[CaliaMoko]

Such vivid images. And such a creative new way to imagine the old "lost love" story. I especially like the last line which--to me, at least--points out the impossibility of having a heart that can't feel: "Sobbing, he sits..."

This is likely just me, but the only line that doesn't entirely work for me is one in the chorus: "And each blow to show". It doesn't feel to me like it has the same strength of the rest of the piece. The part that feels weak to me is "to show". I think something that gives the feeling of the blows "driving home" the fact, or "pounding" the idea in some way would be stronger. This is likely a personal preference or bias type of thing, so take it with a grain of salt.

Vicki

[diademgrove]

Hi Igg,

I like your words, a great way to say I've been hurt in love but never again. I know you say you've finished the music and I was wondering how you've arranged the verses. I've just looked at the opening lines and you have a different syllable count for each one, which will mean some lines of the melody will have more notes than others. Most songs tend to have the same number of notes, generally to help you remember the song.

You may want to work out the number of syllables that work best as a melody and tweak the words of each verse to fit.

I found the chorus a little flabby. I'd go with

One blow for anger
One blow for pain
And each blow to show
I won't love again

I've changed the He to I. I think it makes the song so much stronger if its sung in the first person.

Feel free to ignore me if you disagree.

Great images, as Vicki says. Looking forward to hearing the finished song.

Keith

[hardtwistmusic]

I've got no nits on this one.  Marvelous concept and the lyric delivers fully on the concept.  Loved it.

[Paulski]

Hey igg

I remember this one winning on the other site.
Just wanted to say this is superb - such great imagery, and connects really well emotionally with the reader. Gotta be metal though...

Outstanding write
Paul

[tomcrocus]

Nothing much to say Igg other than respect,this is superb,
                                                                                Tom.

[olivergearing]

Big love from me also. Although my hope that this was about Superman (Man of steel, gedditt?) was not fulfilled.

There's something very satisfying with the idea of beating the s*** out of some metal when you've her dumped also.

I'm being flippant. This work is incredibly powerful, and I can't find much to suggest. The whole song has a beginning middle and end, and once the listener has reached the end you can see the character development. Great stuff mate

[Vintage54]

   Hi igg,
      My my, the quality of your work on here is up there with the best. The rhythm and flow on this, is one sweet river. I can't find fault, and i would not dare to try. Just brilliant, from the first word to the last.

                                     Vintage54

[igg]

Hi Everyone...

Thanks for all the kind comments...

Vicki - The song is in 6/8 time and the music of the chorus underscores the blows of steel being beaten...It is quite distinct from the melody of the verses and the middle 8.  I hope to post it next week...

Keith- thanks for taking the time to comment....I usually pay more attention to matching lengths but the 6/8 time really takes over, and everything seems to get tied up by the rhymes of the last two lines of each verse....I felt if I went first person, I would lose the compassion of the listener....and I couldn't create the conundrum at the last line..

HTM -  Much thanks and much gratitude for your generous comments!

Paulski -But, metal guys might feel the end is to wimpy....emotional weakness and all that..LOL.   I'm not much of a metal guy but I'm willing to be surprised ....Thanks for the kind words!!

Tom  - Mucho Gracias, my friend!

Oliver - Indeed, pounding the steel... to vent... and thinking that you can protect yourself against life and love....both satisfying and futile!

Vintage- I'm glad to see you among the living!  Thanks for the appreciation...This one started with the images of steel and sparks...and the relentless pounding....leading to the question....What could he be making and why?

igg

[Sing4me88]

Nice lyric. Flows really well and some great images 'river of sweat' 'eyes stare out empty'. Creative wordsmithery there fo'sure. Interesting end to each verse as a 'read' - will the delay be added into the melody? Could be a nice wee hook or way to build/release tension perhaps. Really liked the chorus and the story it told but so simplistically yet so naturally. That 'one blow' is a good narrative hook and the story is really well encapsulated in the few short lines, especially in contrast to the emotive and image rich verses.

[TheYeeck]

Very vivid... I just liked it really much. For the message, or well, just the lyrics by themselves I would see them as a Heavy Metal (Kinda Iron Maiden) song. Nice work! I doesn't have pretty much else to say. So, keep rockin'

[igg]

Hi,

Thanks guys...

Sing4Me88 -  Thanks for the detailed and kind review,,,,The chorus really does stand in contrast to the verse...both rhythmically  and in immediacy... Still trying to finish a recording I like!!!

Yeeck - Thanks for the kind words....

igg