[PopTodd]

I do have music for this one and the flow of the lyric fits just fine. So, if you have any issues with the way that it reads... how it flows in that way... don't worry about it.
Just mostly looking to see if you are getting something out of the lyric. If it makes much sense, of if there is maybe a better word here or there, or a better rhyme than what I have.
Style is... folk, basically. A 2/4 folk tune.
Thanks so much!

EDIT:
A thought... do you think this would work better as a singular "I" as opposed to "we"? I'm starting to think that, maybe so.

"If You Knew"

1.
We put on our outside smiles
As we step out the front door
And we’ll acknowledge it’s been harder
But we won’t say a whole lot more

If you felt the things we’re feeling
If you saw the things we saw
You would let me throw my cards out
Then let me draw, draw, draw, draw, draw


2.
We march gaily through the morning
And steadfast through the day
And we’ll answer all your questions
But we won’t have much to say

If you felt the things we’re feeling
They’re things you’d never want to know
But please don’t read too much in to it
Just let it go, go, go, go, go

(bridge?)


3.
These things we carry on our shoulders
They fit underneath our shirt
They say it makes us stronger
But they don’t say how much it hurts

If you felt the things we’re feeling
You might never want to feel
If you lived the lives we’re living
It’d make you reel, reel, reel, reel, reel

If you felt the things we’re feeling
They’re things you’d never want to know
But please don’t read too much in to it
Just let it go, go, go, go, go
Let it go…



©2016 Todd Leiter-Weintraub

[CaliaMoko]

I think you're right about using "I" instead of "we". It would give it a stronger feel, in my opinion, more personal.

One line: "They say it makes us stronger"...have you thought about making it future tense? As in "They say it'll make us stronger." Or "They say it'll make me stronger" if going with "I" vs "we". Just an idea, and I'm not sure it's better, but when I read through it, for some reason that's what I wanted it to say.

In summary, I get a clear impression of a person (I do prefer singular rather than the "we") with in pain, with walls up in an attempt to limit further pain.

[PopTodd]

A great observation about using the future tense. Because this person is NOT feeling strong, at the moment.
Thanks for the thoughtful input, Calia!

[Paulski]

Hi Todd

Yeah - definitely would work better me I/me. I kept wondering who "we" were.
Though if male and female voices sang in unison "we" might work.
The only other nit I have is a "hook abandonment" one.
I don't see the title anywhere in the song and there doesn't seem to be a lyrical hook.

It reads like a fun piece anyway though and if the melody is strong enough no lyrical hook is needed IMO.

Paul

[PopTodd]

Hey Paul,
Thanks for your—as always—thoughtful commentary.
And, actually, I did make a couple of tweaks since the original post:
• I did change it to "I/me"
• I added the title phrase to the lyric, at the end

So, great minds, and all that...
Thanks!

[Stan9007]

Hello! I think that the music for the song must be full of energy and have to make the heart beat faster. Good lyric! I think it will make a great effect with the tune.

[PopTodd]

Rewrite, with edits:

1.
I put on my outside smile
As I step out the front door
And I’ll admit that it’s been harder
But I won’t say a whole lot more

If you felt the things I’m feeling
If you saw the things I saw
You would let me throw my cards out
Then let me draw, draw, draw, draw, draw

2.
I march gaily through the morning
And continue through the day
And I’ll answer all your questions
But I won’t have too much to say

If you felt the things I’m feeling
They’re things you’d never want to know
But please don’t read too much in to it
Just let it go, go, go, go, go

3.
These things I carry on my shoulders
They fit underneath my shirt
They say it will make me stronger
But they don’t say how much it hurts

If you felt the things I’m feeling
You just might never want to feel
If you lived the life I’m living
It’d make you reel, reel, reel, reel, reel

If you knew the things I’m knowing
They’re things you’d never want to know
But please don’t read too much in to it
Just let it go, go, go, go, go
Let it go…

©2016 Todd Leiter-Weintraub

[CaliaMoko]

Yes, I do like it better that way! I hope you'll be posting the song so we can listen to it soon. ??

[tomcrocus]

Hi Todd,
            i liked this first time around but the re-write is much better,
it's got real depth and feeling to it,
                                                regards,Tom.

[diademgrove]

Hi Todd,

I think the I makes the song a little weaker. In the second version I was looking for an explanation as to why you felt that way. The "We" made it easier to connect, at least for me. The we could be punks, gays, the disabled, ethnic minorities etc. The song then becomes a celebration of stepping out and surviving.

Feel free to ignore me if you like the I better than the we.

Keith

[PopTodd]

Yes, I do like it better that way! I hope you'll be posting the song so we can listen to it soon. ??

Hey Calia,
I posted a link to a demo video that I made in this thread:
http://www.songwriterforum.co.uk/feedback-on-works-in-progress/'if-you-knew'/

Hope you check it out and let me know what you think.
Thanks again for your feedback.

[PopTodd]

Hi Todd,

I think the I makes the song a little weaker. In the second version I was looking for an explanation as to why you felt that way. The "We" made it easier to connect, at least for me. The we could be punks, gays, the disabled, ethnic minorities etc. The song then becomes a celebration of stepping out and surviving.

Feel free to ignore me if you like the I better than the we.

Keith

Thanks for your feedback, Keith.
I think that you are just reading the lyric a little bit differently than I do. Not that the way you read it is wrong. Just because I wrote it doesn't make my view of it correct. It's a song and we all get what we get out of it. And, if my rewrite made the message/story weaker for you, then I am in no position to argue.

This is why I like to hear from other folks.

[PopTodd]

One more tweak:

1.
I put on my outside smile
As I step out the front door
And I’ll admit that it’s been harder
But I won’t say a whole lot more

If you felt the things I’m feeling
If you saw the things I saw
You would let me throw my cards out
Then let me draw, draw, draw, draw, draw

2.
I work at smiling through the morning
And continue through the day
And I’ll answer all your questions
But I won’t have too much to say

If you felt the things I’m feeling
They’re things you’d never want to know
But please don’t read too much in to it
Just let it go, go, go, go, go

3.
These things I carry on my shoulders
They fit underneath my shirt
They say it will make me stronger
But they don’t say how much it hurts

If you felt the things I’m feeling
You just might never want to feel
If you lived the life I’m living
It’d make you reel, reel, reel, reel, reel

If you knew the things I’m knowing
They’re things you’d never want to know
But please don’t read too much in to it
Just let it go, go, go, go, go
Let it go…

©2016 Todd Leiter-Weintraub

[PaulAds]

i think this is fantastic.

though curiously enough...i think i preferred it ever so slightly with the "we" version

that may have just been because i was struck by it so much on the first read through

or perhaps because if the bond between the two people was so strong that the "i" could actually be a "we" in the reality of the song...then they'd be so "together", they'd have nothing to fear

the only bit i didn't love was marching gaily through the morning...and you've sorted that now

either way...i loved it

[hardtwistmusic]

FWIW (and I have NO IDEA what it IS worth) count me in the "we version" column too. 

I've read this several times and have just waited to see the changes before commenting. 

I love the lyric.  Soooooo wonderfully cynical without being whiny.  THAT is so hard to accomplish.