[thathairybloke]

Hi Folks.

In the past, I've done a few parodies and covers. Some of the parodies have done quite well; had many thousands of hits on Youtube and been featured in various publications. So far so good... But parodies aren't the same as creating something totally original, and that is what I want to do.

Why write this song? It started life in my head as "something in the style of Placebo" and then a melody popped into my head. The lyrics are somewhat to do with the times we live in, and the encroachments to our way of life - not necessarily caused by the obvious bogeymen, but by our own leaders.

This is my first ever song. First original lyrics, first melody, first everything. I can sing but have very little in the way of music theory. Hopefully this isn't /too/ glaringly obvious(!)

Genuinely looking for critique really! Fully aware it's a "work in progress" and pretty much everything about it needs re-working..

Song on Soundcloud : https://soundcloud.com/that-hairy-bloke/resist-v3-still-draft

Lyrics :

Terror from across the sea
Terror flying into me
One more 'ism to terrify
Terror falling from the sky

Press and government conspire
Public fear and distrust higher
Desert; planes their bombs are falling
Civilian loss appalling

// Take care, resist
Don't give away that which they'd take by force
Take care, read up
This isn't lost, nor has it run its course //

Foreign policy's a no-win
All sides place on it their own spin
Crimes of action, crimes of none
While arms firms profit from the guns

Civil liberties were hard-fought
Privacy, freedom of speech; thought
When these things we have are lost
Everyone will bear the cost.

// Take care, resist
Don't give away that which they'd take by force
Take care, read up
This isn't lost, nor has it run its course //

// Don't give away that which they'd take by force //

Anyway.. Any feedback very welcome.

[Neil C]

Hi THB,
Liked it, lyrics worked and the main verse melody which you preface musically at the beginning works well. My main comment was that its appears to then lose momentum before the chorus and needs a bit more power to underpin the Take care, resist. So I'd put a guitar under that. Can you alter the drums? 
Good luck with it and dont forget to read the rules and review others, its a great way to learn.
 
Neil 

[hardtwistmusic]

It's an excellent lyric.  After I've seen some reviews from you on the posts of others, I'll go listen to the music. 

This site can be a wonderful resource for you if you respectfully use it and contribute to it. 

It will be of no value to you if you do not. 

I'm not preaching, but I simply quit reviewing the work of those who just leave "drive by" posts and don't participate quite some time ago. 

[thathairybloke]

It's an excellent lyric.  After I've seen some reviews from you on the posts of others, I'll go listen to the music.

That's totally fair. As it happens, I just did that on a chap's folk song. I didn't manage to really criticise it as it was so good... But I did give him feedback!

[PTCruiser1801]

ThatHairyBloke,

Fantastic lyrics for this song. Very relevant and current in my opinion. Some unusual phrasing...again only my opinion...but I think it works! Definitely a positive for me!

Paul

[CaliaMoko]

Very interesting. The timing and rhythms are unusual, as is the phrasing of the words. It all tends to keep the whole thing kind of off balance, which is actually, I think, suitable to the subject matter. I like the lyrics a lot.

For me, the best improvement would be in the development of the music as a whole. It sort of carries on at the same pace, emphasis, dynamics, etc, the whole way through. I'd like to see the feel and the message build up to a high point. I don't know how to do that--production is not my area. In a way your first verse seems to be the high point or climax of the song. I wonder if it would work to re-arrange the verses?

Hopefully, someone else will have better feedback for those kinds of things. My strengths lie in the mechanics of structure, like grammar, for instance.

Vicki

[hardtwistmusic]

The "production" isn't great.  My advice is "Don't worry about that" at this point.  THAT can always be improved as you add equipment and expertise. 

The key thing is that the song is good.  And it is.  You can fix production in the future.  But if the song isn't good, THAT can't really be fixed. 

You've got the important part down.  Work your way toward production expertise and don't stop writing and playing.  It all comes together over time.  You are clearly heading the right direction. 

[MartynRich]

As a first attempt this is really good. Interesting production ideas as well, which can only improve with time. Lyrically strong and a nice distinct sounding vocal style.

Two points I would make to help make it a little stronger - the first is maybe move up a key on the chorus to add some variety - just try a simple 4th change for example, it'll really help the chorus stand out. Secondly, you've got a verse, chorus, verse, chorus structure and then it ends. You could try adding an instrumental break and come back to the chorus just to stretch it out a bit.

To be honest, if thats your first song you've got real talent. Keep up the great work.

[thathairybloke]

Thanks so much everyone for all the feedback. I've started trying to improve it; starting with a slightly more variable drum line and re-recording the vocals from scratch. At present I feel like it's definitely got a long way to go, and nothing I do seems to help! But once I've got something I think is better, I'll upload a new version.

Thanks again-
THB

[thathairybloke]

Sorry it has been so long, and thanks to everyone, again, who took the time to give feedback.

I think I've made quite a lot of changes, in line with suggestions...

So here is a new version

https://soundcloud.com/that-hairy-bloke/resist-with-changes

I'm not really touting for feedback, although if you want to make suggestions feel free. I mainly wanted to let everyone know that the feedback that was given was very helpful and to say thanks and show it had influenced the song!

Best!
THB

[AlzieBear]

Hey man

It can be tough to tackle big issues such as the topic of your song so congratulations on being brave enough to confront this!

All in all I think you do a good job of not sounding preachy but still addressing the issue.

One way I often think is good to discuss the problems is to use the 'we' form, as in John Mayer's song 'Waiting on the World to Change'

keep up the good work and best of luck

allan

[Radio]

Liked the song, but I'd alter the second vocal as for me it seems dis-jointed from the main vocal melody.

Good voice and well suited to the arrangement. 

[TimCurtis]

Reminds me of Big Audio Dynamite....  

Listened to both versions - a great example of the difference between demo and finished/produced versions.  Glad you pepped the drums up a bit and added some instrumental variation.  The whole thing sounds somehow brighter and livelier.  It's a really good song- you should post it on the main "finished songs" forum...

[Steng]

I like it Hairy. The first version reminded me of early Depeche Mode. Deffo improved on the second version with the drums on the chorus, that's a winner.  My only minor criticism is that some of the backing vocals in the second part seem slightly 'out', timing wise...just a split second here and there. As a  first attempt it's great.

Steng

[exfairy]

You know, initially I wasn't on board, but I'm really liking the ideas you have there. I think this song would really benefit from a really good studio production. You could maybe leave the bass part (not quite sure what it is) out for the first bit then bring it in later and at the end have more of an upbeat drum section. Also I know it's WiP but you could maybe watch tuning in the vocals, especially the short runs in the top voice. And put more of the effect on the lower voice and less to no effect on the top voice? It might be a nice contrast.
But this is still really good and has great potential!