[tomcrocus]

Hi,
    this is supposed to be a bit of a mellow on.

                       I'D LOVE TO BE

I'd love to be a rock n roll star
in my next life,that's what i wanna be
i'd love to be the heavyweight champ of the world
in my next life,that's what i wanna be

i'd love to be a leader i would be a don
in a life that has more meaning in a world that's not a con
this could be my mantra this could be my song
picture this in the next life where we're all getting on

i'd love to be a rock n roll star
in my next life,that's what i wanna be
i'd love to be the heavyweight champ of the world
in my next life,that's what i wanna be

i could be saint Cecelia i could be Che Guevera
the revolution in my head i could say hallelujah
i'd love to be a beatnik i'd love to write an ode
maybe i'm a dreamer while i'm walking this road

this life all i'm saying is what a life it seems
all i'm saying i'd love to be but only in my dreams
this life all i'm saying is what a life it seems
everybody wants to be and everybody dreams
maybe in the next life,i'll wait and see
maybe in the next life i'll just be me

yeah i'd love to be a rock n roll star
in my next life,that's what i wanna be
yeah i'd love to be the heavyweight champ of the world
in my next life,that's what i wanna be.

[CaliaMoko]

Pre-Script (as opposed to a postscript, as it was written after I finished this novel review): I got a little carried away. I guess I must like this one!   Anyway, it's possible I've completely misunderstood your intentions and meanings, so if you don't like anything I've criticized, please don't take it personally. Just disregard it.

***

I like this...I hear a kind of boogie woogie treatment in my mind, but that could be due to my bias--one of my biases, that is.

Looks like the first four lines above are the chorus, right? So it looks like:
CHORUS
VERSE 1
CHORUS
VERSE 2
BRIDGE
CHORUS

Assuming that's correct, let's look at the first verse

i'd love to be a leader i would be a don
in a life that has more meaning in a world that's not a con
this could be my mantra this could be my song
picture this in the next life where we're all getting on

The second half of the second line feels weak to me. What do you think about trying something like: In a life that has more meaning; in a world where I'm strong ? Or something else positive rather than what something is not?

Looking at the 4th line of the same verse: I'm not sure what it means. In my vocabulary, "getting on" could mean we're "getting along" (not fighting but amiable), or it could mean we're getting older, as in "getting on in years". The first meaning doesn't seem to add anything to the song or even fit into it, from my perspective. The second one maybe could fit, but I don't understand why we would be focusing on the getting older part of the next life (I'm understanding the "next life" to be in the imagination, as in not going to happen).

My question, then, for that 4th line; are you specifically trying to say something to further the theme of your lyric, or were you stretching for something that rhymed? Other rhyming words are begone, throng, long, wrong, along. Using "wrong", you might say, "Picture this in the next life; ev'rything's right and nothing's wrong", which will fit in the same rhythm pattern if you combine weak beats in "ev'rything's".

A look at Verse 2

i could be saint Cecelia i could be Che Guevera
the revolution in my head i could say hallelujah
i'd love to be a beatnik i'd love to write an ode
maybe i'm a dreamer while i'm walking this road

"I could be Saint Cecelia"! Yes! Patron saint of musicians. Perfect for us. "I could be che Guevera". Hmm. Smart guy and good looking, but a little extreme for my taste. Are you saying you could be a really wonderful person on the one hand, or--on the other--so terrible you end up being executed? It doesn't matter in terms of the song, I'm just curious.

Again, the second and fourth lines feel weak to me, while the first and 3rd work. In my mind. I pretty much don't get the second line at all. That might be just me, of course, but I can't give you any ideas for anything better (if there is anything better), because I don't know what it's trying to say. The 4th line--"Maybe I'm a dreamer" is good. For the second half, which is the weak part, in my opinion, you might say something like, "looking for a pot of gold". Other rhyming words that sound like they could contribute to a strong phrase are bold, old, hold, erode, load.

And now the bridge

this life all i'm saying is what a life it seems
all i'm saying i'd love to be but only in my dreams
this life all i'm saying is what a life it seems
everybody wants to be and everybody dreams
maybe in the next life,i'll wait and see
maybe in the next life i'll just be me

I wonder if it's better not to repeat "all I'm saying" so many times? If so, you might say "I'd love to be somebody else, but only in my dreams" for line 2. Or something like that, or something else...  And line four could also be, "Everybody has ideas and everybody dreams".

For the last two lines, I don't know what to say. They indicate you're assuming there actually is a next life. If that's how you're presenting the song, they wrap up the ideas nicely.

Vicki

[tomcrocus]

Great feedback Vicki,
                             this was just something i wrote this afternoon
while i was watching the football/soccer.Getting on!,it just means "getting along,
getting along nicely." saint Cecelia and Che Guevera!,well it's just one extreme
to the other.I didn't put too much thought into it,we're oceans apart Vicki,literally,
and sometimes things maybe get mixed up in translation,
                                                                               top feedback,
                                                                                                   Tom.

[PaulAds]

Ha! Another winner from the mighty pen of tomcrocus

I love the way your stuff rolls out, Tom...it's wise and weary but chipper and quirky too

I personally wouldn't mess with it too much...it's genial and genius just as it is

[Nicolajane87]

hi tom,

good set of lyrics, I wouldn't change much about it, cant give you much advice as I'm only a beginner but you got some great feedback from caliamoko.

Nicola

[Paulski]

Whoa Tom! You're making the rest of us look bad man.
This is stellar. Best line for me was:

maybe in the next life i'll just be me

I loved that line - this guy is seeing self-worth amongst all his dreams to be someone else.

But seriously, stop making us all look so bad

Paul

[hardtwistmusic]

 Only one suggestion. 

I'd love to be a leader i want to be a don
in a life that has more meaning in a world that's not a con
this could be my mantra this could be my song
picture this in the next life where we're all getting on

It just seemed to "not flow" there and had too much repetition. 

Of course, the flow might just be that I don't yet "hear" your pattern. 

And the repetition is just a subjective thing. 

WONDERFUL DEPTH to this lyric.  Subtle in places, and then stunningly obvious in others.  Very nice.

[tomcrocus]

Thanks everyone for the generous feedback,
i really appreciate it,
                             cheers,Tom.

[diademgrove]

Hi Tom,

not got much to add to what's been said before, although there's a difference between Che the poster image  and Che the man. The line does go with the "revolution in my head" very well.

My only suggestion is "I would be the don". Why be one of many when you could be the one. I think it fits better with the vibe of the words.

I think you should look at an outro. I'd take the last two lines of the bridge (?) "maybe in the next life etc" and just repeat them. You'd then end the song on maybe I'll just be me, which is the perfect way to end it.

If you didn't want to flag the punch line you could just repeat the "wait and see" line.

Great set of lyrics as usual.

Keith

[tomcrocus]

You're absolutely spot on Keith about "the one",i just didn't see it,
you're also right about the outro,i may have posted in haste.
I was watching the footie and wrote a little something and thought
i'd stick it on the forum.
Yeah Che the man,slightly dodgy to say the least,
                                                                    thanks Keith,
                                                                                       Tom.