[CaliaMoko]

18 March 2016 - Update
The feedback I've gotten has already inspired me to make a few changes as well as generate a possible melody and rhythm for this song. As I started putting the melody together with the words, more changes happened naturally.

I have met my goal to set this song in a major key. I sort of "cheated"? to do so. I looked to an old favorite by Gordon Lightfoot, started playing the opening chords on my guitar and humming kind of random notes. It eventually resolved into what might be the final melody. I hope to get a "rough draft" recording done tomorrow to put up and maybe then move the song to the WIP forum. But first here's a chance for reactions to the revised words. I'm still not totally pleased with the first line of the bridge. It pretty much says what I want to say--something about losing sight of my guiding light--but it seems weak....

UPDATE 19 March 2016: I've made an edit in the bridge below. I think this might work for me now. I know it isn't perfect but, then, neither am I. I have posted a first draft on SoundCloud, so you can hear what I've done with it, and when my waiting time has lapsed, I'll post a better one (assuming I get a better one made by then) in WIP. I'm not looking for WIP feedback now; I'm only posting the draft in case you're curious.

https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/see-the-light-1st-draft

The current version is:

VERSE 1
I sense the sun; I feel the warm; A deep emotion being born
The undertow pulls at me; tries to draw me down before I see

CHORUS 1
   See the light; see the light.
   I need the light.

VERSE 2
I feel the rain upon my face; it trickles down and leaves a trace,
Bringing balance to my life; a little joy; a little sacrifice.

CHORUS 2
   Let's see the light; see the light.
   I need the light.
   Let's see the light; see the light.
   I need the light.

BRIDGE
Sometimes darkness hides my way; the black of night obscures the day.
Sometimes shadows hide my way; attempt to lead my path astray
Then someone shines a light for me, and once again I can see....
Then someone shines a light for me, and in the beacon's glow I see....

CHORUS 3
   ...the light, see the light.
   I need the light.

REPEAT VERSE 1 ONCE AND CHORUS 1 TWICE



17 March 2016
Here's a lyric I've worked on from time to time and haven't been able to finish. I've made notes in verse 3 where I'm hoping to get some inspiration.

I'm also wondering if it's too short. It seems short to me, but I'm not sure how to expand the theme to fix that. I can tell the "chorus" isn't really enough to be a real chorus. Could it be a pre-chorus? Then I'd have to come up with more to make a chorus to follow....

So, some suggestions pertaining to those details, plus anything you notice about the words or the song as a whole, are welcome.

I have not set it to music so far, so nothing needs to match any established rhythm or melody at this point.

SEE THE LIGHT

Verse 1
I sense the sun; I feel the warm
A deep emotion being born
Undercurrents pull at me
Draw me away before I see

Chorus 1/Hook
See the light
See the light
    I need the light

Verse 2
I feel the rain; it wets my face
It dribbles down and leaves a trace
Bringing balance to my life
A little joy; a little strife.

Chorus 2
Let's see the light
See the light
    I need the light

Verse 3
Sometimes darkness hides my path/joy/way     Here's where I think I need help.
I start to think the darkness rules                    I think you can see what I'm
Then someone shines a light for me                 trying to say, but I'm having
And once again I learn to see                          trouble finding something that
                                                                 works. The last two lines are
Chorus 3                                                     okay, but the first two lines...
To see the light
See the light
    I need the light

[CMUK]

Hi, it has potential, I could hear a definite rhythm and tune as I read it. Chorus need more work as you've spotted. I'd change the 3rd line of each verse to have more words with faster phrasing then fall back to the initial pattern for the final line of each verse.

Here's a couple of changes I'd make...
SEE THE LIGHT

Verse 1
I sense the sun; I feel the warm
A deep emotion being born
Undercurrents pull at me, draw me away before I see (sped up rhythm of words)
(then add another line in here)

Chorus 1/Hook
See the light
See the light
    I need the light
(This needs a lot more work, try saying why you need it)

Verse 2
I feel the rain; it wets my face (I'd change 'it wets' to 'upon')
It dribbles down and leaves a trace (I'd find a better word than dribbles or change it altogether... 'summer's kiss has been replaced' or something)
Bringing balance to my life, A little joy; a little strife. (Could change strife for sacrifice, up to you.)
(then add another line in here)

Chorus 2
Let's see the light
See the light
    I need the light

Verse 3
Sometimes darkness hides the way     
Creeping in, around the corners of the day                 
Then someone shines a light for me, once again I learn to see                         
(then add another line in here)
                                                               
Chorus 3                                                   
To see the light
See the light
    I need the light

Hope this helps, feel free to ignore everything I've written.
Cheers,
Chris.

[CaliaMoko]

Thanks, Chris! You have some really good ideas. I've made note of them all and will see what works for me when I start editing on this. I'm pretty sure, for instance, I'll make use of "upon" instead of "it wets". And you're right; "dribbles" isn't good. I could use "trickles", though. I'm also looking at your suggestion for other possibilities.

"Sacrifice" is definitely better, I think, than "strife". I'm going to look at that some more.

It's always helpful to get input from another brain. Even when I don't use it, I find it jogs my mind to go in new directions and come up with new solutions. One of the wonderful aspects of forums like these!

Thanks again, Chris!
Vicki

[CMUK]

Good, glad you found it helpful.

Good luck with it.

[Paulski]

Hi Vicki

What a great chorus - I would leave that as is - simple, concise and hooky.
Couple of suggs you can ignore at will:

I didn't like "dribbles" for some reason. I would prefer sth like "trickles" so to keep the assonance with "little".

To me, verse 3 is not a verse - it's a bridge. You start to talk about "dark" so there's a great opportunity to go sideways musically for a moment or two, then back to your stellar chorus.

good luck finishing this!
Paul

[hardtwistmusic]

  Only a few suggestions:  


SEE THE LIGHT

Verse 1
I sense the sun; I feel the warm
A deep emotion being born
Undercurrents pull at me
Draw me away down before I see

Chorus 1/Hook
See the light
See the light
    I need the light

Verse 2
I feel the rain; it wets my face
It dribbles down and Like tears and sweat, it leaves a trace
Bringing balance to my life
A little joy; a little strife.

Chorus 2
Let's see the light
See the light
    I need the light

Verse 3
Sometimes darkness shadows hide my path.    
I start to think fear the darkness rules                    
Then someone shines a light for me  
And once again I learn to see                          

I see the light
See the light
    I need the light

As far as the chorus is concerned.... it will be the vocal that determines if it is "hooky" or not, and "long enough" or not.  It can be sung (and played) so many ways that I wouldn't dream of suggesting that you add anything to it.  I strongly suspect that you have already planned an extremely hooky vocal around this.  I'm guessing that you built the song around this chorus. 

[CaliaMoko]

Paulski
A bridge! I didn't think of that.... Thanks, Paul!  And, yes, I do like trickles much better.

HardTwistMusic
"Draw me down"...oh yes, good. Thanks! And "shadows"...great minds think alike! I like it!

I want to let the other ideas percolate--or maybe steep?--for awhile, and see what comes out. I like "I fear the darkness rules", but I want lines 1 & 2 to rhyme.

You give me too much credit, Verlon    I have no melody at all yet. I need to listen to some beats to get some good ideas for that part. I'd like this to be in a major key, but my brain seems to be hardwired for minor, so I have to decide on a chord progression before I can even start thinking about melody, in order to force myself to stay in a major key. How's that for a nice, long, run-on sentence??? 

I think I'm going to go with the bridge idea instead of the third verse, so maybe I could indulge my minor side for that bridge, since it's the negative or depressed spot in the song.

Many good ideas. Thanks! These forums are so awesome!

Vicki

[GTB]

Hi, I haven't read all the comments but what leapt out to me was the 1st line of the bridge - would 'holding back the light of day' fit in there?
This kind of song is difficult to balance and make it familiar but not predictable. I think you've done a good job achieving that.
GTB

[hardtwistmusic]

YOU WROTE:  "You give me too much credit, Verlon    I have no melody at all yet. I need to listen to some beats to get some good ideas for that part. I'd like this to be in a major key, but my brain seems to be hardwired for minor, so I have to decide on a chord progression before I can even start thinking about melody, in order to force myself to stay in a major key. How's that for a nice, long, run-on sentence???"  

In that case, let me submit for your consideration (as Rod Serling used to say) that you should draw those "See the light" lyrics out over several measures.  Instead of fitting one syllable to one beat, draw out each syllable over several beats with variety in notes on each beat.  If you want, I'll find some songs that illustrate that (since I can see I've not done a good job of communicating it this way.)  



YOU WROTE:  

Many good ideas. Thanks! These forums are so awesome!

AMEN.  'o)

PS...  A thought that leapt into my mind as I was closing this post. 

Verse 3
Sometimes shadows hide my path.   
I fear the dark's cold wrath                   
Then someone shines a light for me 
And once again I  see                         

[CaliaMoko]

I have posted an update to the words in the original post, and I have a preliminary melody in place. Today I'll be working on getting a first draft posted on SoundCloud and maybe I'll move the song into the WIP forum. In a really short time I've already gotten a lot of help and inspiration here in "Lyrics".

GTB
I do like "holding back the light of day". I'm considering how I might make that work. One of my problems is having so many iterations of the word "light". I know it's fine to repeat it in the chorus as the hook, but I'm thinking I might need to limit its use somewhat in the verses. I'll be looking at that today, as I attempt to get a first draft up on SoundCloud.

HardTwistMusic
Thanks for the additional hints. I don't know, at this point, what I'll end up with eventually, but even when I don't use the hints, they always trigger little sparks that help me come up with the final product, so they're never wasted or thrown away!

Thanks again for all the input! It makes such a big difference to me!

Vicki

[Krisp]

Hi Vicki,

Just wanted to give my observations...hope it's not too late.

1. It feels like there are one too many syllables in the line: "tries to draw me down before I see". I noticed you changed this from the first version, so maybe it was intentional? Otherwise did you consider swapping 'Draw me down' for 'drown/ground/fell me'?

2. I actually preferred the phrase 'a little joy; a little sacrifice' when it was balanced (ie when you were using 'strife'). If you like the word sacrifice in particular, how about: 'a little joy, some sacrifice'?

3. Regarding the first line of the bridge, when you mentioned a 'guiding light' the first thing that came to my mind was a lighthouse. Something like:

'When the lighthouse is out of sight
The ship goes wayward in the night'

The wording could be better but you get the idea. The metaphor might be too cliche for your liking.

I agree with what some others said about the chorus being dependant on the music that's used...but feels like there's potential! Best of luck getting it finished.

Kris

[CaliaMoko]

Kris--nope, not too late. Next week I'll be moving this into WIP, but not yet.

1. I now have music written for this, which I have posted on soundcloud, if you are interested in hearing how the syllables in the "tries to draw me down" line fit into the melody line. Here's the link: https://soundcloud.com/caliamoko/see-the-light-1st-draft. And I also added it to the original post above.

2. I liked "little joy, some sacrifice", so I'm using that...thank you so much!

3. The lighthouse "guiding light" comment gave me the "beacon" idea for the bridge, so thank you for that, too.

HardTwistMusic
I read through your comments again and I like the idea of drawing out the syllables in the chorus, so I tried to do that. I didn't manage it.... I did manage little breaks between the phrases, though.

[hardtwistmusic]

What you did with the chorus was perfect musically.  Worked with the music for the verses and was seamless. 

And, I'm reminded of so many of my own songs where the ideas from this forum soooooooooo thoroughly shaped and improved the lyric.   I think fully half of songwriting is learning when to listen and when to stick to your guns.  You have impressive listening skills in that regard.  This song is evidence of that.