[Paulski]

Hi guys - a quick write - prob lots of opportunities for improvement - let me know please!

The Thirteenth Floor
Copyright 2016 Tennyson Road Music

Elevator beeps
Flashes a light
I'm gettin' the creeps
This isn't right!
That button I pressed
Has been ignored
Been taken instead
To the thirteenth floor

Thirteenth floor
What sort of horror
Do ya have in store?
Thirteenth floor

Led a life of crime
Even killed a cop
Never did my time
Never did get caught
Maybe he's come 'round
To settle the score?
Now I'm thrown upon
This thirteenth floor

Thirteenth floor
What sort of horror
Do ya have in store?
Thirteenth floor

{br}
Smell of death
Invades my nose
A mist from hell
Permeates my clothes
Two bloody eyes
Blink through the dark
But these shiny doors
Won't pry apart
They won't pry apart...

{solo}

Can't see a thing
I light a match
Its short-lived flame
Lights up a badge
Then bony hands
Pair up my wrists
To the sickening sound
Of handcuff clicks

Thirteenth floor
What sort of horror
Do ya have in store?
Thirteenth floor

Don't be concerned
About my state
I know I earned
My gruesome fate
But save your life
Repent before
Your lift arrives
On the thirteenth floor

Thirteenth floor
Repent before
Your lift arrives....{slow to stop - bing!}
On the thirteenth floor!

[CaliaMoko]

I might call this a novelty song. And/or I can see it being the theme song for a campy horror TV show, you know, every week someone deserving soul arrives on the 13th floor and we learn all about what a bad boy/girl s/he's been to end up there.

I don't like the line "Now I'm thrown upon" (this thirteenth floor). Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's because you threw the lyric together fast and didn't come up with anything better. Yet. What about something like "Now he's trapped me on" (the thirteenth floor).

That's all that jumped out at me. I think it's cute and I hear a heavy beat (maybe a heartbeat?) and/or an ominous bass line.

[Wolfini]

The first verse really drew me in, great images with clear language.

The "horror" in the chorus seemed a bit too obvious.

The "moral lesson" was not what I was expecting. I think if you cut the last verse the message would stay the same without being so "teacherish".

Bye Wolfi

[Krisp]

I thought the pace of this was nicely in keeping with the context. That and the initial description drew me in quite well.

I just wonder if you could have mixed up the rhyme pattern later on (maybe in the bridge) to try and create some additional tension- the ABAB sounds quite 'stable' to me. Obviously quite a subjective point...and I can see the rhyming gets looser in some places which I guess does a similar thing.

Also I agree with the point of 'Horror' sounding a bit too obvious.

Overall though I thought it was pretty good!

[diademgrove]

Hi Paulski

I thought this was brilliant. Have you got any music for it?

Keith

[hardtwistmusic]

I read this weeks ago, and just now got around to coming back and taking another look.  I had kind of hoped that you would have this in WIP by now, and let me off the hook for figuring out what I think of the lyrics without music. 

I think this is one of those lyrics that is going to be very dependent upon a good relationship with the music.  I'm still going to wait for the WIP version before I am able to give any worthwhile feedback.

[olivergearing]

Bloody “Hell” (see what I did there) – this is effing awesome.

I really hope at the end you’re going to sing “slow to stop – bing” – if you do that I will be very impressed.

You have a really strong relationship between melody and lyrics. It literally jumps out of the page at me, and I can really imagine how you’re going to do this.

Just one lyrical nit:

Dead man smell
 

Might be worth looking at this one. There’s probably a million ways you could describe a corpse smell in 3 words, I just felt that these three were a bit weak… You could leave the fact that it’s a corpse smell entirely – e.g. “awful smell” – or something like that… It becomes glaringly obvious in about 4 seconds that you’re talking about the cop you killed, so this might give you another option….?

Other than that, can’t wait to hear this one in WIP!

Cheers matey

[PopTodd]

I might call this a novelty song.

I 100% agree. Curious as to which direction you might take it.
Maybe make it a psych song... crib the sound of the 13th Floor Elevators and make it a tribute, of sorts. After all, Roky was obsessed with horrifying stuff.

[tomcrocus]

This is damned good for a quick write Paul,
it's got a great flow throughout,it could be the fable
of the thirteenth floor.
I really enjoyed it,
                          Tom.

[kaalbas]

Great lyrics. Got a really nice flow. Love the story.

[Vintage54]

    Hello again Paulski,
           Like this a whole lot better than the last one of yours i commented on. I didn't read this i sang it, and the tune i had in my head is not my own, but one i can't pin down at present. Call it what you will, novelty song, whatever, but it still hits the spot. Yea, it needs work here and there, but even in the best written songs, there's always room for improvement. I like it.

                                   Vintage54

[Sing4me88]

I like this one. Very clever concept with a catchy and intriguing title. You've tied in all the eerie superstition etc perfectly with ghostly imagery throughout. I loved the line 'smell of deat' - its very effective and one I've never come across in a song yet as it's normally 'smell of fear' etc. Clever turn of phraseby all accounts. The chorus is really simple but it is really effective and catchy and flows nicely as a'read' - will be abelter when added to music nodoubt.h

[Paulski]

Sorry for the late responses everyone!

@CaliaMoko - thanks Vicki - I'll think about that line. I was planning to add this to my hallowe'en collection which right now consists of one song about Zombies..

@Wolfini - cheers for commenting. Got preachy at the end? OK - will look into that

@Krisp - thanks for the kind comments. Think I'll leave horror in even though you're the second to give it a thumbs down. It sings so nicely and has a twisted rhyme with "store".

@diademgrove - thanks Keith - no music yet - maybe someone will give it a go?

@hardtwistmusic - hey Verlon - going to wait until I butcher it with music? haha OK - might be a while

@olivergearing - thx for the words of encouragement Oliver. I changed that line to "Smell of death" - hope that's better. We don't often smell dead men but death - maybe

@PopTodd - ha - you might be onto sth - phsyco thx for commenting

@tomcrocus - thanks Tom!

@kaalbas thank you kind sir/ma'am !

@Vintage54 thanks vintage - nice to see you pop up. Now I can't be accused of stealing a melody if I haven't written it yet, can I? BTW - still owe you some music - you must be getting p*ssed at the wait...

@Sing4me88 thank you for the nice comments. A belter eh? Well that's the hope...

[PaulAds]

Great concept, Paul...

I loved the snappiness of it...to me, it has the vital ingredient needed for a song and I hope to hear it one day soon

[SonderRevelations]

Not going to lie, for some reason I was completely oblivious to the implications of the "Thirteenth Floor" when I opened this. Quickly remembered the superstition and it actually made me that much more intrigued to read through it.

I think the lyrics flow very smoothly together and I especially like the usage of certain words that you coupled together to keep the "spooky" feel fluid, specifically the slant rhymes you incorporated.
I agree with Wolfini about the last verse, personally it kind of seems to draw away from the feeling of the rest of the song for me, BUT perhaps you have an idea of what you want to do with this that works extremely well!

Great job for a quick write! I can't wait to hear this put to music, deep resonating bass lines and maybe implementing a few tri-tones at key points to snap listeners back in, ("Devil's hook?")

- Matthew